Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Confused
15
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 10:09am
I have been having an EMA for the last year. I am deeply in love with this man. We connect on so many levels and truly enjoy spending time with one another. He wants to marry me, but of course I am already married, with 2 kids. I care very much for my husband but, it's just not there. I don't feel one bit of happiness or passion with my husband. He's a good person, a great father, an excellent provider. He treats me with respect and kindness. So I am wracked with guilt over my EMA. The bottom line is, I don't want to be married to my husband anymore. I want to be friends, I just don't want him as my spouse. So my dilema is this, end my marriage of 14 years for true happiness, or give up the love of my life to maintain my family?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2004
In reply to: pie1120
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 10:14am
hey pie.

Tough decision. You can leave and have your true happiness or stay and be miserable. I think alot of us, welll at least im in that spot. The advice ive gotten in here has been to either try and work it out or just to leave. It really isnt fair to anyone to stay if we are that unhappy. Now that said its also one of the hardest decisions to make whether to stay or go. heres a few questions for you. How does your OM feel about things? does he know how you feel and what your considering? if he were to say he wanted to end it would you still want the divorce? Just playing devils advocate. these are the questions i ask myself daily. anyways hope i helped a little bit

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
In reply to: pie1120
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 10:20am
Yes, the my OM knows how I feel. We've talked at great length about it. Naturally he wants me to leave my husband. However, he asked me just the other day if he weren't in the picture would I still want out of my marriage. My answer was that I would probably eventually end it but not as soon. The other thing I keep going back to is, If I stay, I will never be truly happy regardless of the OM.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2004
In reply to: pie1120
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 10:24am
well then it sounds like you know what you need to do. I also know i just dont have the courage to leave my son at this time. But if its clear to you that you need to leave then i say go for it. I mean i know its not that easy but dont we all deserve to be happy? Lifes to short to spend it miserable..Wow thanks for making me type this cause its putting things into perspective for me. Well i wish you best of luck Pie and hope u get that chance to be happy =)

BIG-
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
In reply to: pie1120
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 10:34am
Thanks for your support. I honestly feel confident that if I end my marriage it will not be hostile or bitter. I know my husband will be heartbroken, and that pains me. I'm more paralyzed by the effect it will have on my kids and the backlash from family, etc. I can see the shockwave now! However, if I stay, I will never be more than an empty shell, and eventually become bitter. It's just that the guilt is overwhelming me. How do I get past that????

As for your son (and my children) a friend once told me that children are born with what they need to get through life. We do our best as parents to support them and nurture them but they will still follow their own path regardless of what we do. Another thing this wise friend said to me is if you could wish anything for your children, what would it be? Happiness right? Ok, that being said, why should we deprive ourselves? In doing so, we teach our children not to follow their happiness but rather to settle for the opposite.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
In reply to: pie1120
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 1:29pm
Hi Pie -

I feel like I could have written this post myself. I too am in an A with a MM whom I adore and *think* I love. I say think - because I'm not sure in the year or so that I've known him, I have gotten to know him as a person totally. Sometimes I just wonder, is it the fun, the S**, the excitement - the fact that i don't have to pick up his dirty underwear, I only get one side of him.

I too am very unhappy in my marriage - it's just not there anymore, and as hard as I try to get it back, it just doesn't come back. So, I struggle every day with do I stay for my kids (which, some days, I'm just a down right miserable B(*#(#*) or do I chance it and leave, and try to find more happiness inside myself..which inturns makes me a better Mom? or are they better off with a Mom and Dad in thier life 100% of the time? BTW - MM has no thoughts/plans that I know of to leave her for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
In reply to: pie1120
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 2:45pm
Wow back,

yes, we do have a lot in common, except one thing, my A is single. He is miserable without me and has been asking me to end my marriage. It's not that I don't want to be with him, I do. I know he is the loml. I know we are meant to be together. It's just the comfort zone thing is holding me back. I am at a serious crossroads. Does your H know anything about your situation? Does he know you are unhappy? I too find myself not being the best Mom I could be for the same reasons. I think about it all the time. Could I change my attitude, accept my situation and go on? Or should I take steps to move forward without going through counseling? My H is a good man, he deserves to be happy. I wish nothing more for him than to find someone who would truly give him that. I am so on the fence and it's killing me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
In reply to: pie1120
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 2:48pm
I, too, have the same problem. I have 3 children and he has 2. My husband is also a great man and father, very respectful. Great family too. But I also feel my soul mate is this OG. He also is all the above and more. He is in the process of divorce and wants to be with me and my 3 kids. I know I would be sooo happy with him and his kids. I wish I could help you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
In reply to: pie1120
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 2:53pm
What are you going to do? I wish I could help you as well. I am so close to making a decision to end my marriage, I am just...scared.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
In reply to: pie1120
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 3:03pm
My H knows nothing about my A (that I know of) he knows how terribly unhappy I am and very sadly tries hard to make me happy. He sounds alot like your H - he's a good, honest, decent man. There's just no excitement to him, to us. I want him to be happy - we've been to counseling, we've tried. I just afraid that we've fallen out of love, or should I say, I've fallen out of love with him. Which, is why I find myself in this A. I wouldn't leave H for MM - I would leave for myself. But, I struggle with the kids.

I guess, you (we) need to figure out what's most important? Us or them?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
In reply to: pie1120
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 3:08pm
Ducks,

I cannot tell you how relieved I am to hear that there is someone in the same situation I am. I have felt so alone these last couple of months. I am seeing a therapist and she says that it's really quite simple. By staying - I hurt and am not who I know I am, who I really want to be. This causes those around me to suffer in silence. If I leave, I will be happy and they will hurt (my H & kids) but eventually that will subside. So, what I really want is to end my marriage and move forward, rebuild my life. I just can't seem to summon the will power. Please stay in touch. Thank you!!!

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