Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-1998
Confused
3
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 1:34pm
Hi. I'm new here. Lurked for a few weeks. I'm a DW. Started dating MM four months ago after being casual acquaintences for many years. He's been married for 26 yrs, and claims that the marriage is "dead" and he wants out but stayed for his son (now 23). Claims he wants to sell his house and get a D. This is my first A.( not that I want a second!) I am 44, and want companionship, not necessarily marriage, and we get along great. He is 53 and wants to leave, but I want to stay out of it. My gut feeling is that he may be confortable complaining about a bad marriage, but 15+ yrs. is a long time to complain! Besides, I don't really know what goes on in his home. I guess I need advice on how I should approach this: Enjoy each day, and forget about the future (he says he wants to "grow old with me"). Or put a time limit on the R. After all, if he wants to leave, then he'd just do it sooner or later, right? Maybe I need to sit down with myself and figure out what I really want? Am I fooling myself?I have actually told him that I would not stay in this R for more than 3 yrs. if he does not make a move to get out of his M. But not because I want him all to myself. I just don't want to start getting impatient with him; I like for people to say what the mean and do it. Maybe I'm trying to figure out if he is all talk, or what. Does this all make sense? I hope so. BTW, I have my own home, so it's not like I need to move in with him. But it does feel one-sided that he does not have a place for us to be together. Should I insist that he do something to make a place for us if he wants us to continue?

I guess I just don't understand how some people can stay in a a "bad" marriage. I've been divorced for a long time, and yes with two children it was damn hard for a long time, but I don't regret the choice I made. I couldn't imagine staying in my M the way it was.

Thanks,

Elaine

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: elaine93
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 1:59pm

hi elaine and welcome to the board honey.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-1998
In reply to: elaine93
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 2:29pm
I am not comfortable with the idea of not being the primary "one" in a R. That does bother me. I'm not used to sharing someone. I'm trying to be openminded, I guess. This man treats me a lot better materially than some single guys I've dated, but that's probably common in this type of relationship. It's hard to walk away from the "little" things he does, like buying groceries, putting gas in my car, giving me spending money, etc. I don't want him to pay my mortgage and bills, but his $ does help me not have to spend my own (I have two children and lots of expenses as you can imagine!).

I think I'm confused with the marriage aspect. Intellectually I realize not all relationships need to lead to marriage, but...well...

Most days I can relax and enjoy it. It's just those days that I don't see him, and I know he's home, and I am trying not to be obsessed with his life, but I do wonder sometimes what is *really* going on!. I won't be able to deal with this much longer if I continue thinking about it. But I think deep down that I can just enjoy it as long as I don't think about it.

Thanks for giving me something to go on in the way of reasons to make a decision to stay or go.



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: elaine93
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 2:45pm

elaine -- it sounds like MM is already very involved in your life, up to his chin!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board