confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
confused
4
Fri, 12-19-2003 - 6:48pm
hi, all! i'm new to this site so bear with me as i'm trying to use the common lingo.

i'm having an EMA with a formerly MM but who has now separated from his W. i, too, am M. yes, we've fallen in-love with each other and find comfort in our so called relationship. he's left his W because he's unhappy but also because of me. again, i'm also unhappy, probably never should've gotten married (10 years), but i did anyways, have two great children and also want out of my marriage for the same reason as TOM. i've told my H that i want a divorce and we're waiting until after the holidays to take the next steps. i really love TOM and feelings are completely mutual. we see each other regularly, especially now that he's out on his own now and it's great! i just have this guilt because of my kids and what it will do to them. my H doesn't know about TOM, although H has been suspicious but never confirmed. H knows and thinks that my reason for D is for pure unhappiness and to be quite honest that is true. it just so happens that TOM is involved. am i crazy for wanting to leave my H in order to be with TOM? can anyone out there relate to my situation? any thoughts on this would be great! i hope to hear from you all soon...take care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: madshe3
Sat, 12-20-2003 - 2:29am
Hi there, I can sort of relate to your situation. When my EMA started I was not unhappy with my M. But now , a year later I can't help but admit that the sex part is sooooo much better with MM than with H. MM will not leave his W. He is way to pussywhipped. I have a great life with H except for the sex and don't want to mess up my kids. I guess it comes down to how important good sex is to me. I think If I ever leave H it will not be for MM but for my own happiness. I don't know but maybe my sex drive will diminish with time and this Phase will go away. If only........
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
In reply to: madshe3
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 12:09pm
greetings, hugmetom! thanks for sharing your situation. sex with OM is great too - it's wonderful!!! like you said, if you left it would not be for your MM it would be for your happiness...well, that's why i want to leave because i am "unhappy," it just so happen that i have a OM which makes the process faster, but regardless, i'm still unhappy and i will continue to be if i stay with H. guess we never know...take care!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: madshe3
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 12:32pm
When my A first started, I thought I was unhappy in my M. Why else would I seek romance elsewhere? It only made sense that things must be wrong. So I pulled away from H, which only created more problems in our M because I was being so cold toward him. We fought a lot and when we were alone, it was as if we existed in two separate worlds. Then things went bad with MM temporarily and I had no choice but to cool down my feelings for him. Once the dust settled, I realized that nothing was wrong with my M that I hadn't created, and that brings me to my point.

I have no doubt that many of us are unhappy in our marriages, but I also have little doubt that MOST people are unhappy in their marriages. If you define "happy" as every little thing being perfect -- the sex, the companionship, EVERYTHING -- than how many married people really are happy? The only difference between us and the non-cheating population is that we have an alternative. We have someone giving us the attention and love our Hs gave us back in the beginning. Personally, I'm beginning to think it's all an illusion. I'm beginning to think maybe most of us really have nothing at all wrong with our marriages, but in order to justify falling in love with someone else, we push ourselves away from our spouses and you know what? They react. They either push us away as well or they get angry with us and pick fights or they sink into depression or whatever. I think if you fall for a SINGLE man, it's all that much more complicated because then you have the option of leaving your H to be with him. A MM isn't as readily available, so you don't have the pressure. I don't know... I just think you need to take your time and make SURE you want to leave your marriage before you take that step. Be aware that most people who leave their marriages during an affair later regret it. I think the statistic is something like 80%???

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: madshe3
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 4:39pm

Lilah... I'm going to have to say... spot on! I thought my marriage was doomed... and I did just as you wrote... become involved with MM, pushed DH away so the fighting and arguing become worse... I was ready to walk! I was doing it for myself... MM wouldn't be there for me... but then I realised that I had not yet allowed DH the chance to try.

Sweet
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