Confused about signals?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2009
Confused about signals?
13
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 12:15am

So, there's a guy at my office I have liked for years, he's 40 and I'm 30. He works in a different office location than me. We are both married. I hadn't seen him for a while and at our office party, I know he was looking at me a lot. One of my guy friends noticed him checking me out a lot during the night. We've known each other for years. During the night, he came up to me and mentioned how i looked in my dress and then kissed my neck and shoulders once. We were both drinking and i think i just smiled and that was it. i was a bit surprised. He kept checking to see how i was getting home but these guys i'm friends with said they would make sure i got home ok.


since then it has been pretty much business as usual, except he never asks about my husband any more and he always used to and he never mentions his wife. now he's talking about

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 3:10pm

I would say he's probably interested. Putting out "feelers". The fact that you have stopped talking about your H is one clue he has that you might be interested. He's going to tread carefully, because it's kind of a sticky thing to approach a married woman. What if she gets insulted and calls his W? He has to make sure you feel the same way.

Now, is this something you want, or are unsure of? Because most of us here would advise you against taking that path, even though it's one we've all been on. If you're interested in advice on "do or don't", let us know. :)

Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.

Proud to be a



You've got a lot of choices. I
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 4:48pm

I would say the signals are pretty clear. He "wants to get into trouble with you." Yep...pretty clear there. He is testing the waters for sure. Now you need to decide if you want to get into trouble too (but that is probably a whole other post.)

~Shadowz
~Shadowz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 5:44pm

Hi Saunders,

He's testing the waters to see if you want to have an affair with him.

'In trouble' is a good way to put it... affairs ARE a whole lot of trouble, no matter how you look at them! Especially with someone you work with!

Please think about it very carefully - it's easy to think 'oh, it's just sex'... right... it's amazing how quickly emotions get the best of you, especially for us women. The extreme highs and lows of an affair are difficult to deal with at best. They tend to take over your life.

Good luck with your reflections :-)

trixie

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2009
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 10:43pm

thanks for the replies. i do find the whole thing confusing. like i said, in the last few years, he used to always mention his wife to me and call her by name. now, he doesn't mention her at all, except once and called her 'his wife', which is really formal for how long we have known each other. however, his picture on

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
Tue, 04-14-2009 - 2:07am

Hi sweetie it's normal for you to feel confused about the whole thing. My dad had an A too, I know about the scars a whole family bears from that. Apparently I didn't learn from it since I have had several A's in my adult life (I'm in therapy now to understand why I am a serial A-er, as it were...)

Having a crush on someone who is married to someone else is usually pretty harmless and not wrong, as long as you don't act on it... maybe you can try to examine what your motives would be for wanting to have an affair. This guy has left the door wide open and the red carpet rolled out for you... it's completely up to you if you want to walk through! The attention is flattering, isn't it? That's usually how things start down the slippery slope.

hugs,

trixie

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2009
Tue, 04-14-2009 - 10:59pm

Thanks Trixie1313 for your comments. You made me feel a bit sane again:) I think you are right. I think I need to take a step back and examine why I am thinking and feeling these things. He's not coming back to our office until June, so there is some time for self reflection.


I'm still confused though. He got on his work web cam with me today (he's done this with other employees, so not a big deal), but there was no reason for him too. I found myself flirting with him and not even realizing I was doing it (I've always been a bit slow in that area). He was laughing and carrying on with me. But then tonight, he sent me a work related email and it was so formal, not even like our casual back and forth work emails. It just confuses me, so then I'm like, am I making this up in my head and he really isn't interested, but I told you guys the other things he has said and done over the past few months?? We have a phone meeting tomorrow.


I'm realizing some things now that I think it out. I've always been relatively in shape, but I had a baby over a year and a half ago, and since then it has been my dedicated mission to get in top shape. I've worked really hard to get here, but I'm in the best shape of my life and for the first time in my whole life am feeling a bit self confident. That was when he started noticing me in January. Maybe a lot of it is that I just want to be noticed and wanted. It's just that I've had feelings for him for so many years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
Wed, 04-15-2009 - 8:45pm

Hi saunders, I'm a mom, too :) and no, we're not horrible people... just humans that end up in difficult situations, sometimes :)

Congrats on getting yourself in such great shape, I envy you!! :) maybe you need to examine why you're looking for outside validation, especially from this man. And yes, I know how much fun flirting is, I am the world's biggest flirt; the problem is that one tends to end up in situations where men can interpret it as you being open to something more. I craved external validation from men for various reasons, that's why I ended up in so many A's - the positive attention from them got me, every time. It made it much easier not to address my crappy marriage.

The biggest red flag I read in your initial post is that this man wants to 'get into trouble' with you. I think that speaks volumes about him - he's in it for a little illicit action, that's all; definitely sounds like a player and now that you're sporting a hottie body, he's all over that. Do you really want to get involved with a player...? Just food for thought. He may be more 'trouble' than he's worth, girlie :)

hugs,

trix

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2009
Wed, 04-15-2009 - 11:10pm

Hi Trix,


I can't thank you enough for your posts. They are really helpful. I know, you are right, I need to really examine why I need this external validation all of a sudden. It's like for the first time in my life I actually feel a bit self confident and I don't know what to do with that. I need to try to think this out more instead of just beating myself up for feeling the way I feel.


Today, he got on video conference with me again for our meeting. It was one sided, so he can't see me. He didn't say much today, but did say why didn't I get a camera so we could have the conversation that way. I told him there was no chance that was happening and he went on a few times about how he would like to see me (on the camera), but that was about it. I found myself flirting again without

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2009
Sat, 04-18-2009 - 5:58pm

Hi,


So, I'm more confused than ever now. After our last kind of flirty conversation the other day, I haven't heard from him again at work since. He emailed me last night about a legitimate work thing and it was a very formal email. I don't report to him but I do complete work for his team, so I emailed back

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2009
Sat, 04-18-2009 - 9:09pm

Hi Saunders- this has been a great thread and I think Trixie has given really good advice. Now, here is where my dumb male mind comes in. I am picturing myself as the guy (obviously) and I come up to you at a party and I finally get enough b***s to kiss you and I get no response I would feel rejected. To add to that, I get (or feel) rejected again when my offer for a ride home gets turned down. Bad night. I try to save face- and our flirty relationship- by acting business-like, but still flirty because I have hope that maybe you'll consider me later.

Now, I don't know if this man wants a one nighter or something more serious, but I do know he desires you. He's flirting with you and kissed you. He desires you. If that's all you really need out of this, then I think you got it. If you want more, just continue on as you are and he will come onto you again.

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