confused about what to do??
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| Wed, 05-26-2004 - 8:58am |
When he was M I knew there was no way he would ever fall in love with someone else. Now he is D living 1000 miles away and I am still M. He says he will wait and that he loves me-- but he is also trying to get on with his life and be happy. When we talk he is less "romantic"- I do not know if this is normal or if things are changing?? Grant it we have known each other for 20+ years and we have weathered many storms together...but ...
He says he wants to get together and that if I was there he would be so happy...so the other day I tell him that I can meet him in July at a conference that is a few hours (5) from him. He said he thinks that would work but needs to check his work schedule. That was 1 1/2 days ago and I have not heard from him. I know I could call him and he would be thrilled to hear my voice-- but I am getting mad that he is not putting in as much effort.
I recently had a birthday and a few days before he teased me about how old I was going to be. He calls me on my birthday and I was running to a meeting and told him I would call later that night. I got home and there was no card or present from him. He has sent a card/present the last 3 years- even last year when we were going through a NC time. I was so hurt. I called and he asked about my day...which of course I did not want to talk about. I asked him if he sent a card or anything-- he said he thought calling was better. I just felt so empty. I did not feel special at all.
I just do not know what to do?? any advice would be helpful???

That way you can make a decision together about how the relationship is going to move forward, b/c I really think you are dealing with an entirely new relationship now. I also think this discussion should include both our your expectations on whether its ok for him to date outside your relationship.
I am involved with a single man and lived in basic torment until we finally defined the "rules" of our relationship. Things are 100% better now after we had our tough talk. My outcome was extremely favorable in that he agreed not to date and wait for me. But until you know for sure, you will always be wondering what he is doing, while he is so far away...
Good luck.
First xMM knows that I love him and he has my heart and soul. What I had originally told him was that I wanted to wait until my D was older- probably 5-6 years. I know that sounds crazy, but I feel selfish if I leave before she is ready to understand why I am leaving- (she is 5 yo now). He had said that was OK and that he would wait. We talked a little about goin gout and I told him he should go out and do things and have fun. I only needed to know if he was "dating a particular person" rather than just going out with lots of people as friends. That was about 1 month ago.
Well last week I asked him what his plans were for the weekend which is a normal question for us. He said he was going to a black tie silent auction. My heart just about sank. So needless to say we had a discussion about dating. I am OK with him dating other women, but not having sex with them. He asked if I thought he should be celibate (sp?) for 6 years and I said yes. Right now he would not have sex with anyone but me, but he is not sure about the future if the future entails 6 years.
I thought the discussion was good and although I am still anxious we kind of understand the other. It is so hard not to have this discussion in person. A few month ago he asked if I would go to Alaska with him and I told him I would in the future but could not do it this summer. I initially told him the summer was a difficult time for me to get away. But the other day (after this dating discussion) I suggested getting together in July. I thought he would be so excited- instead he said he needed to check his schedule but it looked like that may work...not a ringing endorsement in my mind. This came on the heels of his calling but not doing anything else for my b-day.
I just feel like for the past year I have been the one who has had to do all the giving. First 3 months of NC so he could work on his marriage. Then we start communicating again but it is somewhat strained...to suddenly (at least from my perspective) his W wants a D and helping him through that...to the D being finalized in less than 5 months...and now he is single again.
He was so romantic at times and would talk about what we would do together and how much he missed me. We haven't seen each other in 2 years and I am not sure what is going on. I asked him the other night if he wanted to get together and he said of course- how could I ever question that. If I was there everything would be alright. He tells me he loves me and misses me- but the attentiveness is not there.
I am sure there are at least a few women interested in him-- I just did not think all this would happen so fast. So I want to get together so we can reconnect physically again and figure out how we both can survive-- if that makes sense. We have been through so much over the years and our friendship has always managed to help us through any difficult time. I am just so confused on what to do and am hurting so much??? I definitely need advice
I think that with him being single now and having the distance between you, its an impossible wish for him to date without it ever developing into a physical relationship. Isn't that what dating is about? Companionship both emotionally and sometimes more importantly-physically. If that weren't the case, we would all surround ourselves with "just friends".
Even though, I wanted the same "rule" with my single man, I realized I was being unfair. I realized that just because my life was in limbo, I shouldn't deprive him of the things he needed as a single man-a complete relationship with someone who can give him 100% of what he deserved. I felt that he was missing out of true companionship and we live 20 minutes apart and see each other 3+ times a week. So I decided that it was not an option for me to 1)prevent him from dating or 2)see anyone else but me. That has led me to the decision to end my marriage and be together full time. He has so much to give to someone, as I am sure your xMM does to, and I want that someone to be me.
I am sure you are worth the wait, and I think your reasons are valid. But 5-6 years is an eternity to live alone. It almost seems like the truly realistic options are to either let him go entirely, commit to him full time, or be just friends.
We married ladies want the world, we want our marriage and our OM. I came to realize for me that this could only last for a while because I am not one that could stay in our EMA and have him be with other women in a physical way. Some people can do that, I'm not one of them. Sounds like you might not be one of them either.
Geez, I doubt I helped you at all, but I hope I did in some way. I know how you feel and sometimes maybe that is enough?
I know I am just rambling-- trying to explain why I am in the position I am in. XMM is my best friend and someone who I respect and love. I am confused right now with the way he is behaving-- it just feels like there is more distance there. He use to write these incredible emails and say the most amazing things. He tells me he loves me and misses me- but the steaminess is missing. I could put up with his dating at least for awhile if he would make me feel special when we talk or when we hopefully get together.
Our past is so entwined with each other that we could never be just friends. I feel like he was made for me...he touches a place in my soul that no one else has ever been. Yet recently he just is not the same. I need to feel important and although I know he loves me-- I do not feel special right now if that makes sense...
I have to give MM credit for encouraging me to go out and enjoy myself.
A couple of weeks ago, I was at loose ends one evening, in the city near where he lives. He gave me the name of a singles club, (upscale-very nice), and directions. Then he said, "I hate to give you this, but it's a nice place and lots of people there you'd probably like. But if you do anything, please use protection."
Now, I did manage to get upset over that, and I explained to him that I wasn't looking for a one-night stand. He apologized...but he does encourage me to go out.
And he's not nearly as unaffected as he'd like to think he is, either. When I mentioned the possibility that I may go to a convention in July, he encouraged me to go. In the next breath, he told me to make sure that I had a wonderful time...and that I sewed up all openings before I left home...ROFLMAOoooo
::blushing:: Sometimes I shock myself with the things I'll share on this board.
Anyway, the point is that he does want me to be happy. At least until it looks like I might get really "involved". Sometimes, just seeing the conflict tells me how much he really cares.
Cazrida
We were trying to find a time to get together as we live 1000 miles apart. We thought we had found a time, but it turns out his XW may be out of town for a tennis thing and she wants him to take their D. Needless to say - this would come first. How do you deal with these kinds of things?
I was feeling frustrated. I tried to talk to him about being together and finally asked if he was afraid that if we got together he would not be able to make love. He would not answer and changed the subject. I told him it was OK...he said it was not OK with him. I don't know what to do. I love him for him - the sex is a small part of it for me. What should I do???