confused about where I stand
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| Thu, 10-01-2009 - 11:05pm |
hi
I'm pretty new here. Posted maybe once before.
My post is about my confusion over some mixed signals and how to get him to open up to me in such a tricky arrangement.
My A is with a MM. I'm also married. I honestly sometimes can't believe it's happening, but it is. We met online 5 months ago and have grown very close. We totally hit it off in many respects and didn't actually meet face to face until several months later so our bond was really strong already. When we did finally meet in person, it was a very strong connection.
He lives in an adjacent city so we can't see each other too often. But when we do, it's more than incredible - it's like a romance novel or movie. The sex is the best I have ever had.
We have both admitted to falling in love, but we both have been reserved about talking about it because we are both trying to keep it from being too strong for us to handle. He told me he feels love for me but that he has to draw a line in order to not be overwhelmed and be able to function as a husband and father at home.
Meanwhile, I am on the lines of being obsessed with him. I think about him all the time. He is like a drug. However I have been pretty good at chilling and not showing it so much. When I talk to him about how good it is, I try to focus on the sex part instead of the matters of the heart.
We chat, email and text a lot. I have really noticed how his emails are really safe - they either talk about light stuff, work or sex. Nothing about how he feels about me in his heart like before.
The thing that is so frustrating to me is his intensity toward the whole thing has waned. Maybe that is normal but he was much more inclined to write to me at night or several times a day and now, not as much. I am afraid to say anything. I don't want to pressure him and scare him away. I really want to just say to him "I love you, OK? Is that so bad? I don't expect you to leave your wife for me but just be REAL about it with me and say how you FEEL." but he is so safe with his messages. He never goes over the edge or spills. And it's almost as if he was more interested in being romantic with me early on when he didn't have me quite yet. Now, it seems he wants to just put it on simmer and reserve me for when he has time or when he's feeling horny. I don't know. I have taken baby steps out on the limb a few times (including tonight) and feel like I'm kinda out there by myself after he stepped back off the limb.
I've thought about not being so available for awhile...but then isn't that playing games? And I could lose him doing that.
I know this is not a normal relationship. With affairs the rules, are different. I know I can't expect it all from him. But I want some consistency and to know where I stand with him.
What do I do now?

Your AP is realizing that the A is endangering his relationship with his wife and jeapordizing his marriage.
in a very similar situation as you.. married man here.. first thing i want to point out that.. the next time you get a chance to have an uninterrupted lengthy discussion, bring this topic up with him.