confused alittle

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
confused alittle
3
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 7:26pm
I have a question, that is not meant to start a problem, just want someones perspective. I dont think of myself as a bad woman, a whore or a homewrecker. If anything, when we had an A , I did everything to keep it between us because I knew what kind of drama it would bring both of us, and because I knew what type of person STBX was and didnt want the kids to end up in the middle (even though she put them there anyway). When he told her that it was over and he was leaving, it wasn't about me. She had got caught doing some dirty things and he opened his eyes to what his life was really like. I was just there for him. He and I have always remained best friends, even when he was devoted into trying to make his family work. So, my question is, why are the W or STBX directing all the hostility towards us. Making it seem like it's completely impossible that something wonderful came from a messy marriage or the demise of a relationship. I never hurt anyone intentionally. I never played on a phone, went by anyones house. I dont brag about how great it is to finally have him. Nor that I told her when we were teenagers that "it would always be me". He and I have loved each other all our lives and I am not going to apologize for that. Can't we be happy? Is it that hard for them to just understand that maybe it just wasn't meant to be and that everyone is better off the way they are. I know there is pain, I don't doubt that at all, but just because they thought everything was perfect, doesn't mean he/she did. I am a firm believer that you dont stay in any negative relationship just because of the "kids". What are you teaching them if you do, and I dont believe in using children to hold onto a man either. I believe in happiness for children and letting them see what real love is like and how healthy relationships can be.

Why are we always blamed? I am inlove with my boyfriend. I am lucky to have him and he feels the same as me. He tells me everyday how much he loves me and everything he has done is the right thing. His main concern is making sure the children arent mentally torn apart by her. i dont know if anyone can understand where I am coming from , it just baffles me that people dont see or comprehend the obvious.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
In reply to: tnj2728
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 10:23pm
The only reason that makes sense to me is that it is easier to blame us as the other woman than to accept responsibility for their own role in the demise of their marriages. We are easy scapegoats. But that is just my opinion....

 Seeburg    

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
In reply to: tnj2728
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 8:48am
Seeburg took the words outta my mouth! IMHO when a spouse blames the OM/OW and lays no blame on their spouse it is a sure sign that they are trying to make them as a couple the victim. A spouse who intends to stay with their mate will often lay the blame on the OM/OW in order to get past the disappointment they have in their own spouse. By blaming the OM/OW they can sit across the dinner table from their spouse and not dispise them for the pain they have caused. My guess is your MM has initiated the divorce proceedings, not his STBXW...

Seeburg also made a valid point that if they acknowledged that marital demise played a role then they would have to accept some of the blame themselves which no one wants to lay blame on themselves, it's human nature...

It may also be an ego thing...

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: tnj2728
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 9:00am
I think others answered perfectly in saying that it is easier for the ex-spouse to blame the other person than to look at herself and what she may have done wrong. Deep down I'm sure the ex knows it's not entirely you, but the bitterness and resentment will always be there and there's nothing you can do about that. However, I did want to add that I've known couples who have met while married to others and ended up together and time does ease all of this. Initially your friends, family, co-workers, community, etc. may look at you as a homewrecker and look at your relationship as tainted because of the A, but as you build your new life together you'll make new friends and your family will eventually come around. Yes, there will always be those who harbor bitterness toward you and yes, there are people who will probably never forget 100% about the A, but the best thing you can do is try to put them out of your mind. Your true friends will stand by you and the rest... Well, you don't need them. Just know that in your heart you are doing what is right and be HAPPY with the life you have now. Try to enjoy it and enjoy your time with your sweetie and ignore what other people think. I know it's easier said than done, but in time it will get easier I promise.