Confused and anxious over waiting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2009
Confused and anxious over waiting.
15
Sat, 08-22-2009 - 8:06am
After reading dozens of posts going back to 2007 I have not seen one that quite covers my situation so I feel the need to put myself out here and ask for help to get some perspective. Btw you guys give some great advice and i just wanted to add that before blurting out my miseries.
IDK whether this would be better in EAS but as you all have dealt with waiting on MMs to seperate or D, i think you have a better knowledge of what i am asking....
I was in a EA with a MM for a year and he was apart from his family for work for the whole time. He was married for 18 years previous to that in a government job and was moved around the country for stints of up to 2 years at a time without the family (her choice mostly) so this last time after retiring from the govt he got a private sector job (that she directed him to) and they stayed in the home town and he moved 2000 miles away by himself. We met 5 months after he moved and became close friends sharing every part of our lives, secrets and future hopes etc. He became so close to me that he was thinking of D his wife and actually filed for sep. She is a good mother to their children but as the usual thing goes, she thinks of him as nothing more than a walking bank account. No emotional support or thoughts of his feelings as long as the bills were paid. I assume the emotional support is the role i filled. After going home to visit family (we had discussed him getting his marriage back before i had any romantic feeling for him) and told her that if they were to have any future, she would move to be with him or he would D her. She was shocked (the cynic in me assumes that her finances are being threatened so she must acquise to his request) and after a month of arguing she relents and agrees. She has to leave their son and his parents at home (son in college and parents live with them in their family home) He wanted to sell the home and move everything but she would not give in. He was so P.O'd and insulted that he had to threaten D to get her to be a family again but let it go.
Fast forward a few more months and he is getting more tense they will be joining him. He is uncertain that they will like the new place and the reason that she wants to keep the home is so she can go back if she feels like it and in addition to be forced by threats of D unless she moved. He has told me that he is comfortable with her but does not love her like a wife. They no longer have s*x regularly (we had not announced the *L* word when the last time was January and he had been back 4 times so i know he was telling the truth)but she is a good mother and he is staying for the kids.
OK now i know a lot of what he said comes under the excuses post and the MM handbook post but as we werent romatically involved at that time i cant seem to class the talk as cheesy come ons but more honest ramblings of a lonely man to a friend. It wasnt until a few weeks before they were due to arrive that i began to realize that the feelings i had were more than friends as did he admit he was feeling the same but he never said he would leave her. His words were that if she went back home and left him then it was over, and he is dead serious. I KNOW she is going to hate it!! For one she is going from year round hot state to -30 degree winters. there are NO shopping malls within 40 miles of the new place (she is a spender) and they know no one and have no hobbies. All that in addition to the son being left at home she is very anxious about that.
We didnt end anything but rather put it on hold until he could contact me as we have never gone more than 3 days without communication (he has contacted me a couple times when its safe) but i am in 2 minds. Firstly i want to know if i go NC, would that make him miss me more and compounded with the daily grind make him more inclined to need me? or do i continue to contact him the once or so a week to continue our relationship and let him know that i am still here for him? I love him and dont want to think that i have lost my best friend. How do you choose to wait or get on with life and find that they have left their W and you have already moved on? I am S and have opportunities to go out and meet people, but with him in my heart, there is no room for anyone new. How do you know when its time to move on. Its only been a little over a month so what is an appropriate time span to see if their marriage fails or works? I am so confused but i dont want to be sitting here like some women 3-4 years down the track in the same position. Can you please give me a little reality dose and words of wisdom to help?
Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2006
Sun, 08-23-2009 - 6:04pm
Okay well here is
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
Sun, 08-23-2009 - 7:20pm
..

Edited 8/23/2009 8:34 pm ET by cat.smacks


Edited 8/23/2009 10:46 pm ET by cat.smacks
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2006
Sun, 08-23-2009 - 10:10pm

well just as long as the lost individual found her way to the correct board; is all that really matters to me, anyways.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2009
Sun, 08-23-2009 - 10:35pm
Thats so sad but beautiful. Its a shame that to be truely happy we sometimes hurt a lot of other people. My thoughts on that is do we live for ourselves or for others? Not to be selfish of course and leave havoc in our wake to get what we want, but is true happiness selfish when we only have the one life to live?
Cherry, how did his children react when you were found out and how is your/his relationship with them now? How long did the mess take to play out with the D on both sides?
Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2006
Sun, 08-23-2009 - 11:48pm

Well, there was a point and time (two months after their divorce had been filed, but not yet finalized)when his W called him out of the blue and told him that she had changed her mind; and she no longer wanted a divorce, and then told him that he could come back home.

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