Confused and Completely Consumed
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Confused and Completely Consumed
|Tue, 03-06-2012 - 12:19pm|
I'll just preface my story with, I'm looking for advice, criticism, truth and an unbiased opinion.... I am currently M and have 3 children. My career has gone back on track after taking time off for having my kids. I am the sole bread winner for the family, type "a" personality, always doing something, on the go and a never ending thinker. I work closely with one coworker, and a MM. He is only a few years older than I am, 1 child already with 1 on the way (due very soon). We have always had a good "friendship" since day 1 when we started working side by side. We see each other everyday at work. Here's how it all unfolded: We remained platonic for about 6 months. Our job requires social gatherings from time to time,such as dinners, drinks, etc. In early January of this year we had one gathering that lent an opportunity to what is going on now. As the gathering winded down, and people started going back home, we found ourselves the only two left at the bar. We decided to take a cab home (we live approximately 10 minutes from each other). Before arriving at his residence, he asked the driver to pull over for a few minutes - we stood outside and smoked a cigarette. He then flicked it and walked up to me and kissed me! I told him it was bad, he agreed but we both continued to kiss. We were so enthralled and one thing led to another, no intercourse but it was hot and heavy. We went our separate ways. The following day we immediately discussed what happened. Obviously we both felt an attraction to each other. He confessed that he has been for awhile and visa versa. We laid down "ground rules", we put an end date on the situation, we said no feelings are to get involved and if that were to happen one would immediately end it, and it was to be only physical. We laid out how we were going to communicate without being caught by each others SO. Fast forward to present day, we have continued this A intensely. Every 2 weeks we make sure we have 3 hours of alone time, we eat lunch almost everyday together, we text each other everyday and night, we've gotten to the point where we have made arrangements to "coincidently" run into each other in public settings. We are each others addiction, each others drug, yet we've been able to maintain the reality of it all (somewhat). We are "intimate" everyday (minus the weekends) in someway shape or form. We have entertained the idea of what life would be like together but know it can't happen. AP gets scared because of these realistic feelings and attraction. And I am the same way. It all sounds so sweet the things that have been said but the odds are stacked against us. He threw in the L-word the other night, but I completely dismissed it because he had a few drinks. But got a bit angry when i didnt reciprocate. I just know alcohol intensifies ones true emotions. Oddly enough as well, AP gets jealous when I am friendly with other male colleagues. I don't get it?? Honestly I've been unsatisfied with my F aka H, and have brought this up to his attention for the past year. And there has been minimal effort by him to rectify things or make things better. Obviously this A happened for reasons, one of which my current relationship is in and others I suppose (which I'm still rattled and trying to figure out). My AP relationship with W, from what I've been told is a little rocky and has questioned their compatibility but won't bring anything to fruition because of W's pregnancy. AP has admitted to me that he loves his W but not "in love". But I'm not trying to steal him away or be a home wrecker, it was and never will be my intention. My problem is, these "feelings" have grown so strong and consuming that I've told my AP he is my prince charming but I didn't get to him first. Which is true, I may be a bit blinded by what's going on, but my attraction and affection for him is for his personality, his passion for life, his brains, his aspirations, his attractiveness, the list goes on. The things he says to me is like a page of my wishful storybook romance. Ive been getting so upset lately I actually quietly cried myself to sleep last night. Do I remind myself of the "ground rules" we implemented? Do i end it? Do i ride this out until our end date? Is my story a typical EA? How will it play out?