Confused and Completely Consumed

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2012
Confused and Completely Consumed
36
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 12:19pm
I'll just preface my story with, I'm looking for advice, criticism, truth and an unbiased opinion.... I am currently M and have 3 children. My career has gone back on track after taking time off for having my kids. I am the sole bread winner for the family, type "a" personality, always doing something, on the go and a never ending thinker. I work closely with one coworker, and a MM. He is only a few years older than I am, 1 child already with 1 on the way (due very soon). We have always had a good "friendship" since day 1 when we started working side by side. We see each other everyday at work. Here's how it all unfolded: We remained platonic for about 6 months. Our job requires social gatherings from time to time,such as dinners, drinks, etc. In early January of this year we had one gathering that lent an opportunity to what is going on now. As the gathering winded down, and people started going back home, we found ourselves the only two left at the bar. We decided to take a cab home (we live approximately 10 minutes from each other). Before arriving at his residence, he asked the driver to pull over for a few minutes - we stood outside and smoked a cigarette. He then flicked it and walked up to me and kissed me! I told him it was bad, he agreed but we both continued to kiss. We were so enthralled and one thing led to another, no intercourse but it was hot and heavy. We went our separate ways. The following day we immediately discussed what happened. Obviously we both felt an attraction to each other. He confessed that he has been for awhile and visa versa. We laid down "ground rules", we put an end date on the situation, we said no feelings are to get involved and if that were to happen one would immediately end it, and it was to be only physical. We laid out how we were going to communicate without being caught by each others SO. Fast forward to present day, we have continued this A intensely. Every 2 weeks we make sure we have 3 hours of alone time, we eat lunch almost everyday together, we text each other everyday and night, we've gotten to the point where we have made arrangements to "coincidently" run into each other in public settings. We are each others addiction, each others drug, yet we've been able to maintain the reality of it all (somewhat). We are "intimate" everyday (minus the weekends) in someway shape or form. We have entertained the idea of what life would be like together but know it can't happen. AP gets scared because of these realistic feelings and attraction. And I am the same way. It all sounds so sweet the things that have been said but the odds are stacked against us. He threw in the L-word the other night, but I completely dismissed it because he had a few drinks. But got a bit angry when i didnt reciprocate. I just know alcohol intensifies ones true emotions. Oddly enough as well, AP gets jealous when I am friendly with other male colleagues. I don't get it?? Honestly I've been unsatisfied with my F aka H, and have brought this up to his attention for the past year. And there has been minimal effort by him to rectify things or make things better. Obviously this A happened for reasons, one of which my current relationship is in and others I suppose (which I'm still rattled and trying to figure out). My AP relationship with W, from what I've been told is a little rocky and has questioned their compatibility but won't bring anything to fruition because of W's pregnancy. AP has admitted to me that he loves his W but not "in love". But I'm not trying to steal him away or be a home wrecker, it was and never will be my intention. My problem is, these "feelings" have grown so strong and consuming that I've told my AP he is my prince charming but I didn't get to him first. Which is true, I may be a bit blinded by what's going on, but my attraction and affection for him is for his personality, his passion for life, his brains, his aspirations, his attractiveness, the list goes on. The things he says to me is like a page of my wishful storybook romance. Ive been getting so upset lately I actually quietly cried myself to sleep last night. Do I remind myself of the "ground rules" we implemented? Do i end it? Do i ride this out until our end date? Is my story a typical EA? How will it play out?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 12:33pm
Hi, It seems like you & your AP both broke your "ground rules" & are caught up in this affair. You have opened up Pandora's box, cross the line and it's hard to get back but not impossible. You have to dig deep and see if you want to end this. Do you & AP want a future together? If you ride it out please know feelings will get more involved and things will get more complicated. How will it play out....there is no telling but I dare say it never ends well. Someone always gets hurt. I wish you well. I know its no easy thing.

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2011
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 5:02pm
I think like most people who have been in affairs, you are caught up in the fantasy, the romanticism, the excitement of it all. Its intoxicating, thrilling, amazing, its like nothing you have expercienced before...right? If you continue to read here or other places you will see many who felt just as you feel now. You may believe you have a connection to this person unlike any you have ever had before....and it may or may not be true...but how do we know for sure?? I dont have much advice for you other than be careful, because once feelings and emotions are attached its hard to break free. I am a MM who was/is in an A that has past its 4 year mark. It has ended by her or me many times, and yet we fall back into it each time. Its an addiction for us........we need and want our fix. But is addiction ever really about love.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2012
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 6:06pm
Thank you for the response. I'm aware and cognizant of the fantasy, the so-called feelings I have toward my AP and same goes for him. We didn't start it with the intention of leaving our H or W. I just want to know if these ideas and feelings are a "natural" course for an A such as this? I've read the statistics and different scenarios on how A's end, I've become obsessed with the topic. And precisely, that is what it is for us, an addiction to each other. The texting, the phone calls, the lust, the IC, compelling what all this stuff does to a person....
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 6:14pm
I feel so sad reading about your story. I'm in an affair with a MM who said that he was in love with me eventhough he loves his wife. And I'm sure that I'm in love with his too. Just because it's an affair, people call these feelings "an addiction", but if you were single, it would have been called "love" right ?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2012
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 6:23pm
Sireanita: My AP admits to loving his W and his life, he knows that the unknown with me is extremely tempting and a life where he would provide for me is what he wants. He feels torn. I don't encourage these ideas, it's flattering to hear. And you're right! I think if we were both single it might be labeled as "love".
We took a walk the other day, it was a little windy, and he stopped and looked at me dead in the eyes, told me I was gorgeous. Things like that only happens in movies right?? The whole situation is unreal. I know many people before me and many people after me will say the same thing, these unchartered feelings are so fulfilling... And the prospect of a wonderful and happy life is so hard to turn away. How long have you been involved with your AP?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 6:41pm

I've been with him for the past 5 months. If you didn't read my story, in short, he was in a long-distance relationship with his wife, so we got to be together just like a normal couple minus him presenting me to his friends. I guess in the beginning, it was infatuation, but we spent so much time together that I think it had time to pass, yet it was still exiting everyday.

It was a really good relationship. I would even say that it was perfect, not perfect in the sense that there were no arguments, but in the sense that we got to know each other closely and there was nothing that bothered us in each other, we were compatible in everything, had many things in common, etc. And we both could imagine a future together. I'm 34, he's 41, we've had other long term relationships before, so we know how they unfold, so I don't really think it was a fantasy. But what can you do ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2010
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 8:04pm

I wanted to give you a heads up that you are ripe for a "D-day" --- discovery day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2012
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 8:15pm
Serena: thanks, I feel like a d-day is always on the horizon. We try to manage our expectations, but obviously some things did go out the window. Im not proud to say, but I've been to my AP's house while the rest of his family was not home. I didn't stay long but we both agreed it can never happen again. Ever. As for work, we don't use emails, phones or IM's. Strictly personal and we both have sole use of the accounts and billing paperwork.
I'm very afraid that our carelessness will catch up. But in a way, I want to quit while we are ahead (essentially). I know that as time goes on the fantasy and whatever comes along with that only gets stronger and more consuming.
And then it leads to my next question, do I end it now? Even before our propositioned "end date"??? So confused, do I keep going and reach that "end date" and quit cold turkey? Is it possible??
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2012
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 8:18pm
Just to add, I've lost a lot of self respect because I never thought I would ever be in a position like this? How could I have let this happen? And let it continue!? I'm better than this, or so I thought.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2010
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 8:44pm

It depends on why you're having an affair.

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