Leaving a M has never been easy ,be it a year or 20 year old,abusive or not.There are lots of emotions,finances ,kids etc involved.You are newly D, how about using the time on being single for a while and enjoying life instead of jumping into a new R immediately?
Is your AP much older than you? he is M for 27 years and you only 6? this too could be a factor to think about.
Well, I have been the "dumb girl who waited", so, I can't honestly say I think that of anyone. My former boyfriend was my AP first. We had a very intense affair which ended in discovery. He went back to his wife not less than four times then when he filed for divorce, he moved out. A year later we moved in together two years later he left me abruptly while I was at work one day and went back to his W. That was the last time.
I am only telling you all that because it has been a long while since I have been a regular poster here and I know you wouldn't remember me. Only YOU know if he is worth waiting for. Only YOU know in your gut if you "should" wait for him. Not every story ends like mine. It *can* work. It is a challenge though, and I believe that relationships that are born from such scandal have a tremendous amount of overcoming to do in order to survive.
You know, bottom line, you ARE in this relationship. I can't tell you to run away, WAY too late for that. I can tell you that once you do cross into a non affair relationship sometimes it feels like the same darn roller coaster all over again.
I know right now, you are so conflicted. Know exactly how that feels. Sounds totally trite, but time WILL naturally reconcile that.
Not really any advice here, just some "yeah, I know how you feel."
I suspect that leaving a 27 yr marriage is harder on him than he originally thought it would be -- even if his wife is a pain in his behind. After 27 yrs, they have a home and life together. It is hard to break those ties.
Do I think you're being "dumb"? No. I don't think you are. But, I will tell you that if I were you I wouldn't wait around too awfully long for him. He may never be able to take that final step into complete freedom. I can tell you love him and I suspect he loves you too. I just worry that YOU will end up with your feelings hurt and heart broken.
What benefit does he have to keep you hanging on? He has someone that loves him, understands him and puts themself 100% into him. THAT is his benefit.
I think if I were you, I would use this time to sit down and truly evaluate where you think your life will go with him. I think transitioning from "A" to real relationship is very difficult and will likely be a struggle considering everything the two have you have gone through.
A lot of your questioning can only be answered by you. I can tell you my story and give you advice that would be colored by my experience. That isn't going to make my experience YOUR experience. So, do you WANT to wait? Wanting to does not make you a dumb girl. It might end up hurting, but if you are going to live a life of "what if I had waited" then that might be considered equally bad, yes? Only you can make this decision. Sadly, I have a special knowledge of how hard this one is. So know a bit about those feelings in the pit of your stomach.
Wish I could have that crystal ball and look into it and give you your answer. It might help you to separate the words from the actions. He says you are his soul mate and the love of his life. Have you asked yourself what he did/does to demonstrate that?
Here's a short reply for now, will write more later.
Dolly,you are ONLY 32 !! Your AP is 18 years older.I doubt if it will work as a 'normal' R.Think twice.For him ,you are a jackpot but is he really so for you ?IMO, 18 years gap is huge, might be different for others though. He is out of the age when they want really have fun with kids and yours is only 4 year old.You may want another after few years but he may not.
I myself am 54,in A with a younger guy but purely for physical reasons.
You may need time to get over him but really,18 years gap is a lot ,IMHO.
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((( hugs )))
Leaving a M has never been easy ,be it a year or 20 year old,abusive or not.There are lots of emotions,finances ,kids etc involved.You are newly D, how about using the time on being single for a while and enjoying life instead of jumping into a new R immediately?
Is your AP much older than you? he is M for 27 years and you only 6? this too could be a factor to think about.
(( hugs ))
I'm trying to be understanding about how hard it would be to end a marriage that long.
Well, I have been the "dumb girl who waited", so, I can't honestly say I think that of anyone. My former boyfriend was my AP first. We had a very intense affair which ended in discovery. He went back to his wife not less than four times then when he filed for divorce, he moved out. A year later we moved in together two years later he left me abruptly while I was at work one day and went back to his W. That was the last time.
I am only telling you all that because it has been a long while since I have been a regular poster here and I know you wouldn't remember me. Only YOU know if he is worth waiting for. Only YOU know in your gut if you "should" wait for him. Not every story ends like mine. It *can* work. It is a challenge though, and I believe that relationships that are born from such scandal have a tremendous amount of overcoming to do in order to survive.
You know, bottom line, you ARE in this relationship. I can't tell you to run away, WAY too late for that. I can tell you that once you do cross into a non affair relationship sometimes it feels like the same darn roller coaster all over again.
I know right now, you are so conflicted. Know exactly how that feels. Sounds totally trite, but time WILL naturally reconcile that.
Not really any advice here, just some "yeah, I know how you feel."
I suspect that leaving a 27 yr marriage is harder on him than he originally thought it would be -- even if his wife is a pain in his behind. After 27 yrs, they have a home and life together. It is hard to break those ties.
Do I think you're being "dumb"? No. I don't think you are. But, I will tell you that if I were you I wouldn't wait around too awfully long for him. He may never be able to take that final step into complete freedom. I can tell you love him and I suspect he loves you too. I just worry that YOU will end up with your feelings hurt and heart broken.
What benefit does he have to keep you hanging on? He has someone that loves him, understands him and puts themself 100% into him. THAT is his benefit.
I think if I were you, I would use this time to sit down and truly evaluate where you think your life will go with him. I think transitioning from "A" to real relationship is very difficult and will likely be a struggle considering everything the two have you have gone through.
A lot of your questioning can only be answered by you. I can tell you my story and give you advice that would be colored by my experience. That isn't going to make my experience YOUR experience. So, do you WANT to wait? Wanting to does not make you a dumb girl. It might end up hurting, but if you are going to live a life of "what if I had waited" then that might be considered equally bad, yes? Only you can make this decision. Sadly, I have a special knowledge of how hard this one is. So know a bit about those feelings in the pit of your stomach.
Wish I could have that crystal ball and look into it and give you your answer. It might help you to separate the words from the actions. He says you are his soul mate and the love of his life. Have you asked yourself what he did/does to demonstrate that?
Jen,
I think only you can answer your question about if you are waiting too long.
Here's a short reply for now, will write more later.
Dolly,you are ONLY 32 !! Your AP is 18 years older.I doubt if it will work as a 'normal' R.Think twice.For him ,you are a jackpot but is he really so for you ?IMO, 18 years gap is huge, might be different for others though. He is out of the age when they want really have fun with kids and yours is only 4 year old.You may want another after few years but he may not.
I myself am 54,in A with a younger guy but purely for physical reasons.
You may need time to get over him but really,18 years gap is a lot ,IMHO.
(( hugs ))
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