Confused and Venting

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Confused and Venting
33
Sat, 07-12-2003 - 5:27pm
Ok, so here goes, H totally blew off my attempts last night at seduction, he was more absorbed in a stupid tv show. I don't know many guys who could ignore a woman with just a towel on and a bottle of lotion. I ended up going to bed very hurt and upset, all he did was roll over with his back to me, and promptly went to sleep. We haven't had any lovins for over a week, and I really thought he would definately be interested. It wasn't even just the sex part, it was that he totally ignored me. He made me feel like tv was more important, I even tried to get his attention, (as I running lotion over my chest), and he barely glanced at me. I mean I understand if he was too tired, but he could have acknowledged me at the least. Then to top it off my friend called me today at work to see how I was. It makes it so much harder to NOT think about my friend when H is being such a bonehead. And that isn't even all of it, H was a bonehead from the time I got home from work, he spent the whole day doing absolutlely nothing, after work I went for groceries, carried them all in to the house, with no assistance from him, (he didn't even offer), of course, the kitchen was a mess, (he couldn't wash the dishes?)so I had to wash them, after putting the groceries away, and then make supper and do more dishes, and he was acting like an a** the whole time. So I thought ok, I can forget about him not doing anything to help me, we can maybe enjoy a little time together tonight, (no kids home), and what happens? Absolutely nothing, nada, zilch. Not even a cuddle. Sheesh.

No wonder I am so interested in my friend, he makes me feel good about myself, and H makes me feel like chopped liver most of the time.

Oh yeah, it was real encouraging the other day, when my H says, "maybe this counseling thing won't work, and we'll end up splitting up after all." And he said this out of the blue, like he was thinking aloud. I sometimes feel like, he doesn't really want to try, like he doesn't really care whether I'm here or not, that he likes the convenience of having me here, to do all the things he doesn't want to do. If it wasn't for me, nothing would get done.

I just don't understand myself, I am miserable with my H, and miserable when we are apart. Am I a glutton for punishment? And the more miserable I become, the more attractive my friend is to me, and the closer I become to him, emotionally. I look at him as my best friend, something I never had with H, and probably never will.

Well, just had to let this out before I really blew, thanx everyone for listening to me rant.

itty

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-12-2003 - 6:29pm
Oh, Itty... you know what I'm going to say... I have SOOOOO been there! And I wish I had great words of wisdom for you on how to get through it. I don't. Remember what I said about two steps forward, ten gadzillion steps back? You WILL go forward again... but I swear to god it's so hard to supress that damn selfish caveman gene our H's seem to share. I could be buck-naked, doing the hula on a mirrored table and all H would say is... "aren't you cold?"

I have spent many nights up into the wee hours of dawn writing, writing, writing. My frustrations, anger, then my fantasies and how they play out because H is such a jerk. The writing helped. Cry a little less, get some sleep... feel better in the morning and more calmly able to approach him about what the hell the night before was about.

As you know, H and I have made progress. But one difference is that my H never doubted for second that we would find a solution to our problems. We still have our issues... oh yeah... but these days I probably get more pleasure than I should out of yanking his chain when he ticks me off... and part of that comes the confidence that we're going to discuss this rationally and find a solution, but for now I'm going to be immature and get my digs to let you know JUST HOW PISSED OFF I am... and I find that this approach actually has HIM worried more about making me happy later. Evil? Manipulative? Maybe, but for now, I can live with that.

Hang tight, Itty. At this point, remember, this is about YOU doing what YOU need to do in order to either stay in your M happily, or leave knowing that first, you tried like hell to make it work.

We're here for you... vent all you need...

-lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Sat, 07-12-2003 - 8:22pm
Itty,

Just a note to say I think you are super to even offer

sex after your afternoon. Pick up on Lilly though, she

discusses the problem the next day with H. Don't let it

slide in anger or bottle it up, get him to defend his

actions.

I know you were not being subtle as it was, but what

would have happened if you had become physical, something

he couldn't ignore, like a big kiss, or biting his ear,

or maybe a good tickle. What if you had turned the TV

off and demanded he pay some attention to you? I don't

know if this would be appropriate for you or not.

It seems clear to me he has an agenda. I hope you find

out what it is. I hope it is not to meerly hurt you.

I found a book "The Sex-Starved Marriage" to offer

good insight into the dynamics of sexual politics. You

might understand your emotional reactions better if you

read it, it helped me. It didn't fix anything, but it

helped me understand.

Just idle questions, I hope it helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-12-2003 - 8:27pm
hey Desert... tell me more about the book and how to find it!

-lily
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Sat, 07-12-2003 - 8:31pm
Thanx Lily, I needed that, actually had a good laugh over your post, I guess I am just down in the dumps and I need H's reasurance, but last night wasn't reasuuring at all. I just don't understand how any red blooded American male with enough testosterone to fill a cave, could blithely and obliviosly sit and watch tv with a pretty much nude woman sitting next to him dribbling lotion on my...well.. you know, you'd think that would have put lasviscious thoughts in his mind, wouldn't you? I bet if it had been my friend sitting there he would have responded with more than a grunt!! I took more than a few steps back last night, I feel like I slid down the side of mountain on my face. And yes!! I want to be petty and immature, and put my digs in, especially if his highness decides he wants some!! I am doubting if we are ever going to resolve anything, this goes wayyy beyond sexual, and I am so afraid that yes, maybe he is trying now, and wants to work things out, then when he gets comfortable again, everything is going to go back to the way it was before. And you know what? I won't do it again, been down that road before, and I have no desire to travel that way again. I am NOT going to sit here and be made to feel that I am nothing!! I am worth something!! And if he can't see it or appreciate me, then tough titties!! That's his problem, and he will end up losing the best thing that ever happened to him.

thanx again, Lily

Hugs,

itty

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-12-2003 - 8:37pm
Brother, can I relate to that. We have been home alone all week together and do you think he would make one move toward me? I have always been the initiator and am tired of him not being interested, unless I am and then I feel like he is obliging me. I have made my needs very clear, hit him over the head with it, insulted him, scolded, wheedled, cajoled, gotten angry, suggested working on it, but it is always me. He NEVER wants it. He just doesn't have it for me and I know how rotten it feels when you try to seduce him and it just isn't happening. I even told him I am wasted on him. He should be getting it, but doesn't seem to matter. He says he will try, but doesn't. This has been going on for years. What else can I do, but accept it for what it is and do whatever I need to do to make me happy?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-12-2003 - 8:42pm
And yes, we have tried Viagra. Didn't have a lot of interest in taking even, at first. I had to encourage him to take it. What else is there to do? I am done.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Sat, 07-12-2003 - 8:45pm
Thanx desert, it was pretty obvious that I wanted him,(read my response to Lily). I was more than just sitting there with the lotion, And I really would love to talk to him about it, but he is a real neanderthal, and whenever I try to discuss anything with him, he gets all bent out of shape, and starts yelling. It is just so much more than sexual, I need more of an emotional connection than he gives me. This is something we have discussed at counseling, but I am at the point now, that I don't feel comfortable discussng anything with him. So I bottle it up, until I pop. I know, I know, not the healthiest responses. I have read so many things about how to approach someone, how to talk to your spouse, etc, etc, and have tried saying things to him differently, but I still recieve the same response. So instead, I do like Lily does, I write, and write, I cry and cry, and for the most part, I pretend that everything is ok. And when he asks what's wrong, I say Nothing. I don't know how to get past this, and if we ever do, it will be a miracle. And in the meantime, I think about my friend. And wish that I can talk to him, and be with him, but I won't, because right now I know that isn't the answer, and I won't be able to deal with the guilt. I didn't handle it well after my last EMA, I broke down, bad, didn't work for 2 months, just tried to keep a hold of myself, so even though I think about it, and want him, I am too scared to pursue it.

I will check out that book though.

Thanx,

itty

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-12-2003 - 8:48pm
Tough titties? After all that lotion you put on 'em last night? LOL!

Actually, this had nothing to do with sex. I bet it had nothing to do with H finding you attractive, sexy or a turn on. It had everything to do with control. He is in control of the relationship. He won. What a man.

Here's what I'm learning (thanks to an insightful friend also named after a flower), that for me to regain some of that control, I can't let go of it in the first place. Meaning, if he is going to play the "glued to the TV" game, (in my house, it's the computer), then I'm going to go merrily on with my life WITHOUT him. And guess who will have more fun? Because once he realizes I am not sulking and hanging about waiting on him, but I am out making my own la-dee-dah fun, that tv/computer will be a lot less attractive.

We all have our times when we need space. When we want to zonk out and not be bothered by anyone or anything. And we don't always have the right words to express it, so sometimes playing out these patterns is the only way to get what we need, even when it's hurting another we love. Even though I tell my H to just say the words... I NEED SPACE TONIGHT... does he ever actually say them. Nope. Never. On-going battle for...oh... ten years. But now I'm trying to learn how to get around that by just giving him space. Period. And he can join me when he feels like it.

Ok, I haven't mastered this at all yet, so the delicate balancing act I foresee is how we can both equally get our space AND do things together (sexual or otherwise) without having to constantly be the one shifting the sands to get the right results. God, does that even make sense? I am a work very much in progress and will keep you posted. The above is a new insight for me, and I thought it might be applicable to your situation as well.

The main thing is, honey, you got it goin' on. Don't let last night dent your self-esteem into thinking you were not sexy and hot... you were and it probably took considerable restraint on H's part to ignore you... but he DID have another agenda, as I think Desert pointed out... and you DO have to figure out what the heck it was and how to work through it.

Good luck... whew!

And oil up them tough titties some more... H will come round them... you bet!

-lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Sat, 07-12-2003 - 9:09pm
LOL...a little sunburned maybe, but not tough...and thanx for the insight, if I could only let go of the lump in my throat...what his agenda is? I have no clue, maybe just control...and he just walked in a few minutes ago, and of course, a bonehead attitude, hiya baby, I'm home. He is such a neanderthal!! Hair and all. LOL. Mr Macho is now upstairs taking a shower, so I must go...and I will keep you posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Sat, 07-12-2003 - 9:12pm
Nope, My H doesn't need viagra, just needs to get me in the top 5 of his priorities, and I am sorry, but a 1980 lame horror flick should never be above his wife. And I really would prefer to be numero uno!! In fact I deserve to be first on his list!!

itty

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