Ok, so here goes, H totally blew off my attempts last night at seduction, he was more absorbed in a stupid tv show. I don't know many guys who could ignore a woman with just a towel on and a bottle of lotion. I ended up going to bed very hurt and upset, all he did was roll over with his back to me, and promptly went to sleep. We haven't had any lovins for over a week, and I really thought he would definately be interested. It wasn't even just the sex part, it was that he totally ignored me. He made me feel like tv was more important, I even tried to get his attention, (as I running lotion over my chest), and he barely glanced at me. I mean I understand if he was too tired, but he could have acknowledged me at the least. Then to top it off my friend called me today at work to see how I was. It makes it so much harder to NOT think about my friend when H is being such a bonehead. And that isn't even all of it, H was a bonehead from the time I got home from work, he spent the whole day doing absolutlely nothing, after work I went for groceries, carried them all in to the house, with no assistance from him, (he didn't even offer), of course, the kitchen was a mess, (he couldn't wash the dishes?)so I had to wash them, after putting the groceries away, and then make supper and do more dishes, and he was acting like an a** the whole time. So I thought ok, I can forget about him not doing anything to help me, we can maybe enjoy a little time together tonight, (no kids home), and what happens? Absolutely nothing, nada, zilch. Not even a cuddle. Sheesh.
No wonder I am so interested in my friend, he makes me feel good about myself, and H makes me feel like chopped liver most of the time.
Oh yeah, it was real encouraging the other day, when my H says, "maybe this counseling thing won't work, and we'll end up splitting up after all." And he said this out of the blue, like he was thinking aloud. I sometimes feel like, he doesn't really want to try, like he doesn't really care whether I'm here or not, that he likes the convenience of having me here, to do all the things he doesn't want to do. If it wasn't for me, nothing would get done.
I just don't understand myself, I am miserable with my H, and miserable when we are apart. Am I a glutton for punishment? And the more miserable I become, the more attractive my friend is to me, and the closer I become to him, emotionally. I look at him as my best friend, something I never had with H, and probably never will.
Well, just had to let this out before I really blew, thanx everyone for listening to me rant.
itty
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I have spent many nights up into the wee hours of dawn writing, writing, writing. My frustrations, anger, then my fantasies and how they play out because H is such a jerk. The writing helped. Cry a little less, get some sleep... feel better in the morning and more calmly able to approach him about what the hell the night before was about.
As you know, H and I have made progress. But one difference is that my H never doubted for second that we would find a solution to our problems. We still have our issues... oh yeah... but these days I probably get more pleasure than I should out of yanking his chain when he ticks me off... and part of that comes the confidence that we're going to discuss this rationally and find a solution, but for now I'm going to be immature and get my digs to let you know JUST HOW PISSED OFF I am... and I find that this approach actually has HIM worried more about making me happy later. Evil? Manipulative? Maybe, but for now, I can live with that.
Hang tight, Itty. At this point, remember, this is about YOU doing what YOU need to do in order to either stay in your M happily, or leave knowing that first, you tried like hell to make it work.
We're here for you... vent all you need...
-lily
Just a note to say I think you are super to even offer
sex after your afternoon. Pick up on Lilly though, she
discusses the problem the next day with H. Don't let it
slide in anger or bottle it up, get him to defend his
actions.
I know you were not being subtle as it was, but what
would have happened if you had become physical, something
he couldn't ignore, like a big kiss, or biting his ear,
or maybe a good tickle. What if you had turned the TV
off and demanded he pay some attention to you? I don't
know if this would be appropriate for you or not.
It seems clear to me he has an agenda. I hope you find
out what it is. I hope it is not to meerly hurt you.
I found a book "The Sex-Starved Marriage" to offer
good insight into the dynamics of sexual politics. You
might understand your emotional reactions better if you
read it, it helped me. It didn't fix anything, but it
helped me understand.
Just idle questions, I hope it helps.
-lily
thanx again, Lily
Hugs,
itty
I will check out that book though.
Thanx,
itty
Actually, this had nothing to do with sex. I bet it had nothing to do with H finding you attractive, sexy or a turn on. It had everything to do with control. He is in control of the relationship. He won. What a man.
Here's what I'm learning (thanks to an insightful friend also named after a flower), that for me to regain some of that control, I can't let go of it in the first place. Meaning, if he is going to play the "glued to the TV" game, (in my house, it's the computer), then I'm going to go merrily on with my life WITHOUT him. And guess who will have more fun? Because once he realizes I am not sulking and hanging about waiting on him, but I am out making my own la-dee-dah fun, that tv/computer will be a lot less attractive.
We all have our times when we need space. When we want to zonk out and not be bothered by anyone or anything. And we don't always have the right words to express it, so sometimes playing out these patterns is the only way to get what we need, even when it's hurting another we love. Even though I tell my H to just say the words... I NEED SPACE TONIGHT... does he ever actually say them. Nope. Never. On-going battle for...oh... ten years. But now I'm trying to learn how to get around that by just giving him space. Period. And he can join me when he feels like it.
Ok, I haven't mastered this at all yet, so the delicate balancing act I foresee is how we can both equally get our space AND do things together (sexual or otherwise) without having to constantly be the one shifting the sands to get the right results. God, does that even make sense? I am a work very much in progress and will keep you posted. The above is a new insight for me, and I thought it might be applicable to your situation as well.
The main thing is, honey, you got it goin' on. Don't let last night dent your self-esteem into thinking you were not sexy and hot... you were and it probably took considerable restraint on H's part to ignore you... but he DID have another agenda, as I think Desert pointed out... and you DO have to figure out what the heck it was and how to work through it.
Good luck... whew!
And oil up them tough titties some more... H will come round them... you bet!
-lily
itty
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