Confused between lover & husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2009
Confused between lover & husband
12
Mon, 06-22-2009 - 11:43am

I am a married 26-yr-old and I posted on these boards about a month ago when I first met the new guy with whom I am having an affair and was still unrealistically excited about him.


In my last post I talked about my husband's abusive tendencies (he insults me, is very closed-minded, and has hit me) and how the new guy's charm just had me floored and in love. Also, the new guy is very much in love with me and really wants me to divorce my husband so I can start a relationship with him, which he says with time will eventually end up in marriage. (WHEN, is the question. I may end up posting in the "NOt Quite Engaged" board wondering when I'm going to get the ring). He is a wonderful and handsome guy so I told him, to just give me time until I am done with my BA by the end of this year. He said yes, he'll wait, but now I'm not so sure anymore. My husband is not a bad guy, and the thought of leaving him hurts me.


My husband is also so sweet, charming, makes me the centre of his world, which are things that I need and want (call me insecure, selfish, but those are things that really hook me). And after many serious talks with my husband in which I told him that my "unconditional love" does not include tolertating mistreatment (only being there for him in sickness and in health, or helping him out if he lost his job), he said he will change. Of course, he has his moments in which he relapses to his angry behavior. Even in his best moments, though, he does NOT want to go to therapy; he REFUSES to; he is annoyed that I am seeing the schoo counselor. Still, he seems to be trying and when he is sweet and loving like that I feel awful about my affair.


So even though my lover is sweet, caring, treats me out (my husband does not-- his mother is the one who used to treat both of us out during the "courting" period and she bought my engagement and wedding bands)-- well, despite all this, I am thinking of "breaking up" with my lover. I am formulating a breakup letter that goes like this. Reading it will give the context. I haven't sent it yet. He is already hurt enough to know that I go home to another man every night. I don't know. Please let me know what you think. It's not complete yet.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK????? DO I LET MY NEW GUY GO????? OR DO I KEEP HIM AROUND FOR SUPPORT AND FOR A POSSIBL RELATIONSHIP WHEN I DECIDE TO LEAVE MY HUSBAND?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


It hurts my soul to have to write this, but we must not see each other anymore. At least not for a long time.

Pages

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 06-22-2009 - 12:35pm

I think it's very well written and I agree with your position. You absolutely can not end your marriage for another man. I think you are on the right track. Have you checked out the marriagebuilders.com website? You might be able to find some tools there to help in your marriage. Keep trying to get your h into some counseling. He has nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of and if he wants to keep his marriage intact, he needs to take some steps to help you keep it together.

Edited to add:

When I wrote this advice, I had, in fact, not seen that he has hit you. I don't know how I missed that, and I will be more careful in the future to read posts, even long ones, before commenting. I do still believe you need to encourage him to get into counseling, and I'm encouraging you to get into counseling. He has hit you, that will affect you for a very, very long time. Perhaps that depends on the abuse situation, but for me, it's been 15+ years and it still affects me. I'm not as jumpy, I'm not as sensitive, and I can talk about it now. But I was surprised when I got back into dating that some of the things that other men did that completely freaked me out, just sometimes things like the fact they he carried a pocket knife (my x didn't...) or moved his hand suddenly and I caught the motion out of the corner of my eye. I was very sensitive when others who didn't even know my history talked about how stupid abused women are to stay in abusive relationships, when I'm most certainly not a stupid person. Abused women are lost and scared, not stupid, and most certainly not helpless.

Find it within yourself to just get out of your marriage. You really can't do this for anyone but yourself. But you'll leave when staying is harder than leaving, or he hurts you so much the law gets involved and your parents find out! Or you'll run in the middle of the night. If you will get out now, while you are mostly clear headed and calm. You will be scared and you will hurt and wonder if you did the right thing, You will think things like "were things that bad?" But he loved me so much, blah blah blah. I know, and it's scary and painful. And it's super easy to get hooked back in. He NEEDS you, who else is gonna put up with his crap!




Edited 6/28/2009 4:14 pm ET by momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Mon, 06-22-2009 - 1:15pm
Your AP doesnt sound too good a catch! I wouldnt leave my H for him ( btw i am S).It could very well be an ego stroke for him,who knows!He could be first one to say that if you could leave your H for me,you would leave me for another guy and dump you as soon as you are S.
You really dont have to write such an emotional letter to end.you can simply go NC.change your numbers,block his,dont meet him,no text etc.
Once he is out of the picture,see if your M is workable or not.If your AP is around,you cant work on your M ( i am selfish here!! my AP and his W are trying to rebuild but i know(coming on this board has helped)as long as i am in contact with him,they cant make it work).Please,no lashing!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2009
Mon, 06-22-2009 - 2:01pm

The thing about my husband is that I am starting to think HE is not a good catch. I always treat him out with my school loan money, and he is not to keen about spending when it's his turn to treat. He is very closed-minded. His mom did all the treating when we were dating; he is against the idea of courting and treating a woman, he says it's a form of prostitution, and that the woman should even give it up or not, but not have the guy treat her out. The thing is, he is my husband, and he prefers spending his money on electronics and and software, yet he hates going to buy groceries because he wastes gas going over there. Tell me if such conversations with your mate would not drive any of you insane!


Also, as I have said, he has temper issues. I saw all this in the beginning, but my reservoir of patience is being depleted. I got tired of being called the b-word when he's in a bad mood, and being hit. I think of myself as a good wife-- I have sex with him when he wants it, I try hard to not nag and be open-minded--- but he is the

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Mon, 06-22-2009 - 2:31pm

" He represents a hope of a better future" it could turn out worse than your existing M,not saying it will.hope is just that -hope.but it can be shattered as well,so consider everything before you leave your M.its good to be dreamer,like i am but my AP and i have so much trust in each other that i dont mind waiting.i am not asking him to leave.i am just there with very open and honest lines of communication.
i am at a point that even if my AP doesnt get to leave for another good number of years,i am prepared to be in the A status for many years to come.i want him in my life and to be part of his life,status doesnt count.we are not prepared to let go.
If your H is soo bad,as you say,then leave him.In an A you have to be able to spend good enough time to know each other,to gain each others trust and confidence.talking about each others life situation and then planning.the worst thing to do would be assume.Your AP assuming that you should be leaving your h for him as he is soo worth it while you assuming that your AP is a poor old guy who is waiting on you while all the time he is having a good time !

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2009
Tue, 06-23-2009 - 4:10am

In my last post I talked about my husband's abusive tendencies (he insults me, is very closed-minded, and has hit me)


My husband is not a bad guy, and the thought of leaving him hurts me.


My husband is also so sweet, charming, makes me the centre of his world,


These statements

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2009
Tue, 06-23-2009 - 4:17am

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2009
Sat, 06-27-2009 - 2:59pm

I don't like to post on this board anymore because this really isn't an "Affair Support" board like its title says...but I HAVE TO reply here!


erosme...I am speaking from experience...you need to get out of your M NOW!! ..Once a man has hit you & you have stayed...he will NOT GET BETTER. He will put on an act for awhile, but as you have seen, he cannot maintain that act for long...and the longer you stay the more your life will be in danger: Name calling will turn into a slap,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2009
Sat, 06-27-2009 - 3:36pm

runner...good pointing out the contradictions...


These are CLASSIC, Text-book signs of beginning Battered Woman-Syndrome.


I don't care how, why or who she leaves this abusive man for...just that she does. She is in No position to make any informed decisions while she is in this victimizing role. She may be looking to AP to play "hero", & while that isn't smart...she needs to become empowered again. While she is M to someone who has a tendency to remind her that she has no power, she will put herself in conflicting emotional states.


erosme...please give updates on how you're doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2009
Sat, 06-27-2009 - 4:45pm

absolutely! I didnt even want

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sat, 06-27-2009 - 5:52pm

Hi erosme :)


I agree with


Pages