confused-i love them both!
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| Mon, 04-12-2010 - 12:14am |
hey all,
so the gist of my story is that my husband and i are newlyweds. we love each other deeply, but adjusting to marriage has been an unbelievable challenge. we never lived together before, so day to day life plus all the big things are all hitting us hard. i love my H and want things to work, but in the mean time...
my AP and i have some of the best sex i've had in my life. he's sweet, funny, smart, interesting, and we're very compatible. i've started thinking that its a cruel world that we didn't meet at a time when we could have actually been together and seen how it works. now we're stuck with secret rendezvous and stolen kisses.
i'm definitely a cake-eater and i'm not necessarily proud of it. but, i also feel like i love them both. my H is somebody i want to spend my future with. my AP is somebody i want to spend my present with...perhaps i wasn't ready to get married, or perhaps my adjustment challenges are typical, but the fact remains that i'm now in 2 relationships and its confusing the heck outta me.
the complication is that AP is getting divorced and has professed his undying love for me. he's convinced that we should be together and is constantly telling me that he would do anythign to be with me. he's not creepy and stalkerish about it, but he seems quite confident in his feelings. and when we hang out, and he says these things, it sends me into this confusing spiral, like "hey, maybe he's right, maybe this happened for a reason, maybe this is what i am supposed to be doing...or wait, maybe this is a test of my love for my H, or maybe its an indication that they're BOTH wrong for me" and my wheels just spin themselves off the track and i shut down. when i'm with my H, i think "hey, we've had so many good years together, this is all just situational, we'll get on track again soon".
i've been reading this boards a lot and i'm wondering if anybody can relate to my story. what i commonly find is that many here seem to be in As when they're unhappy in their marriages. for me, its more complicated. i love my H AND my AP, and i know that my H and i could be happy, but my AP has awakened in me a certain excitement (not to mention my libido) that i haven't had with my H for a long time (even when we were dating). every day i change my mind about who's right for me and what i should do.
ARGH! Help!
Thanks for reading, i know this was a long post. any response is helpful :)

Welcome to MAS existentialist!
You have an interesting story. How long have you been married, and how long have you been with your husband all together? How long with AP?
Yes it does sound like you're a cake eater; well, so are many of us here, including me. Your AP getting a divorce could certainly change things. For one thing, if you don't leave your H, and your AP really is "sweet, funny, smart and interesting", he won't stay alone for long. Have you thought about how you will feel if he dates?
None of us here can make up your mind for you, but if the "sparks" aren't there for your H when you're newlyweds, they won't magically appear later. Take it from me, I've been there!
While you're working out your decision, keep posting here - we have lots of advice to give from all sorts of different angles LOL!
Proud to be a
You've
Oh no E_82.
Here's my two cents, for whatever it's worth:
If it's more about the sex, have you tried improving things at home with H?
mytwistedmind, you took the words RIGHT out of my mouth. H gives me security, stability, and the promise of long term happiness. AP is Mr. Right Now, fun and silly and it all comes with little responsibility or consequence.
But you all are right that the double life is taking its toll. i'm one foot in and one foot out of everything. and i'm hurting my H and that breaks my heart. he tells me he feels like we're not close; like he doesn't know how to reach me, and like he doesn't understand why i dont seem to be interested in him anymore after years of being interested. it kills me to hear him say that because i'm asking myself those same questions and i feel like such a jerk. (btw, we've been together 5 years, for whichever one of you was wondering, no kids)
i think i'm just too immature for marriage or something. i wasn't ready, and for some reason, when we were together we were so happy and the minute we got married i started feeling trapped and stuck and scared and wanting so badly to assert my independence and this is the result. the funny thing is, now i feel tethered to two people and i'm still not getting what i want.
ARRRGHHH!
i know that i will choose H. he's right for me, and so much of why i'm in the A is situational. the other kink in the cord is that i'm moving in a few months, so i have this silly fantasy that i'll hang around AP until then...but that's a risk. i just don't know what to do.
thank you all for your support, its nice to feel like other people get it. this isn't exactly something you can talk to a lot of people about it, so i'm grateful for this board. thanks guys :)
Hi E_82,
I just wanted to say hi and that your situation is very similar to mine in that i'm a newlywed (sort of) and no kids, with an AP of 19 months. Since before my
Sunshine
.
Hi Sunshine,
Thank you for your post. It is certainly nice to feel like I'm not alone. It's all so confusing, and you're right that the A takes a huge toll on the marriage. I mean I'm not fully engaged with anything, not the A and not the marriage.
I'm also struggling with the fact that my AP is becoming increasingly dependent on me. Not dependent in a creepy way, but because things are falling apart for him, he's really leaning on me, and his feelings for me are deepening. He constantly tells me how crazy about me he is and how just wishes I could be his. He's basically intimated that if I leave my H, he'll be with me and take care of me forever. Obviously I have no intention of doing that, but it's really hard because although I love my AP, I don't want to hurt him by telling him, "sorry buddy, you're just my temporary fix". i feel like such a horrible person because i'm not giving my H or my AP what they deserve, which is the love and commitment of a woman they care about.
how to cope with this?
E_82, I can feel your stress in your post.