Confused-is it really over?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2009
Confused-is it really over?
3
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 7:05pm

I am a MW been having an A with a MM from work. I have 2 kids, he has 4. It started off innocently- friends getting closer and closer, with so much in common. That turned into some heated discussions which eventually led to a PA as well as the EA. I am fairly unhappy in my M- he says he is happy in his, but he lets on little things that tell me otherwise. We text and email all day every day, call each other every time we are alone, constantly try to find time to be together-even if it has to stay G rated (which it doesnt always). At work we spend a lot of time together, and each lunch together. For the last few weeks he keeps mentioning falling for me. Falling madly in love with me. How he loves everything about me....Today, we got to be together for a few hours (way more than normal), and it was wonderful. after he left, I called him to tell him howmuch fun I had, he agreed and then started talking about the guilt. This isnt the first time he has brought it up. He said he feels most guilty after we have been intimate. He went on and on about how confused he is with his feelings, but how he cant risk getting caught. How he cant even eat anymore because the guilt is eating him up inside. Because I love him, I told him whatever he needed to so, i would support. I didnt expect him to take me up on it, but he did. He said I am right, we should probably end it and go back to being friends. He still wants to text and talk, and we will definitely still see each other at work. We were supposed to go golfing this week, and he said he still wants to go, just no kissing and stuff now....

How am I supposed to respond to this? Other than crying, which is what I have been doing for a few hours. I do love him, so I hate that he is miserable, which makes me want to leave him alone. But at the same time, I want him to change his mind! We both say all the time how we know each other better than anyone else... plus without going NC it will be so hard. Do I really leave him alone and try to go as NC as I can? Or do I go golfing with him like he wants, and text him friendly messages like he said to, and hope he changes his mind? Ugh, I am so upset. I never expected to fall in love, and definitely never expected it to end this quickly. Is it REALLY over????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 7:17pm
From what I've read around here over the years, my guess is that it is not over. Before you breathe a sigh of relief, from what I read here it also seems like you've got one of those guilt ridden guys who will continue this pattern of coming close and pulling away - over and over and over again. Even when he's all hot for you and you think he will never pull away this time, he will. And every time it will cause you to doubt yourself, and you will anguish over whether or not "this is it".



So ask yourself if this is what you want to live through, over and over again, for however long this A goes on.



By the way, welcome to MAS music! Whatever happens or whatever you decide, we're here for you. :-)

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Thu, 07-08-2010 - 4:47pm

Hi Music,


I agree with Cl-Lexione. Are you prepared to continue going through the hot & cold treatment and never knowing exactly where you stand because his guilt gets the best of him? I can relate to how he feels a bit because I've done that to my AP but its been a while since I've distanced myself from him. I was tearing him up inside and saw the pain in his eyes every time I said I couldn't do it. So I made up my mind either continue the A or leave him alone and as you can see I'm still with him. Trust me I struggle with this every day but if I were you I wouldn't want to feel like a puppet being pulled back and forth.


I know your hurting and I hope things work out the way that's best for you.

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Thu, 07-08-2010 - 11:21pm

This is just my own two cents, so take it for what it's worth.


With the guilt, you have to decide whether or not YOU can handle, because he obviously can't, and it's obviously going to be an issue every time you're intimate with him.

anotherseyes