Confused, in love, lotsa questions

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Registered: 04-29-2004
Confused, in love, lotsa questions
5
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 11:30am
Sorry this will probably get long. I have been married almost 9 years, married when I was 20. I have 3 boys, ages 7, 2 & 17 mos. I had my first affair when I had only been married a bit over a year; this is 2nd one. My marriage has always been difficult for me; even after counseling I can't seem to get problems solved with dh. He just gets defensive and angry, not really wanting to work on things.

On to the affair. My OM, Paul, and I have been friends for about 10 years; we went to college together and during college, a mission trip (with twentysomething other people). At the time he had been married about 2-3 years I think. Fast forward to last summer; we'd been out of touch for a year or so, and I found his email address and emailed him. Although we had always been only friends, I found out he had been in love with me pretty much since college and only stayed married and at times, away from me, to protect us both. Most of this has been online since he now lives in Indiana and I am in New Mexico, but I have seen him the couple of times I have been home to IL in the past year. I love him ... we are just two peas in a pod. We have a connection that I have never had with dh. And, Paul and his wife are getting divorced. He confessed everything to her and the next day she filed. No working it out or anything (which seems like they were headed for divorce whether there had been an affair or not). They also have 3 daughters; twins aged 6 and a 4 yr old.

He is not pressuring me for anything, in fact has flat out told me he is content with a long term affair if that is the only way he can have me. Even said we can go back to being friends if that is what I need (which really makes me believe he loves me and it is not just lust).

On to my biggest problem of all...my faith. I totally believe what I am doing is wrong...I am a Christian, so is he. But I also believe divorce is wrong. But I am so tired of living in a marriage that seems to only exist for our kids. And now he is free...and part of me thinks it would be stupid to get a divorce and run straight to another man, but the other part thinks, if I went to the trouble of divorcing that is exactly what I would want. Any thoughts???

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Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 12:50pm

First, welcome to the board.

~Flirty~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 1:26pm
Dear Hope... I, too, am a Christian -- although here I am. I struggle daily with the issue of my faith versus my actions. I can tell you as an older woman, it won't get any easier. We can never justify what we have done, and the Bible makes no accommodation for a bad marriage or being in love. So my best advice is to walk away if you can. Make peace with God and with your husband and try to move on. If you cannot do that, then you need to come to terms with the fact that you are going to feel like you are living outside God's will. Many here, who are not as emeshed in their beliefs may not understand this but I believe from your post that you will. Honey, the good news is that our God is a forgiving one. He understands our weaknesses and loves us anyway. If you need to talk offline, feel free to e-mail me at saturdaysister@yahoo.com. I will pray that you come to terms with your feelings and your actions no matter what they turn out to be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 2:19pm
I am a Christian woman in an affair. I, too, believe that it was wrong in my situation. I had made a promise to my h in the presence of God to forsake all others and I broke that commitment. There is no sugar coating that it is against the teachings of any Christian church and almost any interpretation you want to make of the Bible to do what I did.

Like you, my marriage was in trouble for years. And I kept doing what I thought I needed to do to make it work, but the last half dozen years or so before the affair were simply me playing the role, going through the motions, and putting in my time hoping for things to get better.

To enter into an affair - to BE the one to SAY I wanted it - was the nail in the coffin of my marriage. It would have been a lot easier to justify if I had been able to tell myself that I was swept away by the moment, but SO and I were flirting down and dirty for months leading up to the affair. He never asked me out. He never came right out and said he really *did* want to sleep with me, that he wasn't simply just flirting. He did let me know by innuendo that he was there if I wanted it, but he left it to me to make the first move. And I did. With all manner of planning and forethought and weighing the pros and the cons, I chose to turn my back on the teachings of my family and my religion and to betray my husband.

And, like I said, that was my wake up call. If I was willing to do that, it meant that the marriage was much further gone than I had previously thought. I toyed around for a month or so, trying to see if I was able to live a double life, but I couldn't. OM was more than willing to be the OM. He made absolutely no demands on me to leave my h. (In fact, he had this really frustrating penchant for trying to make my marriage work!!!! He was constantly telling me to keep at it!!!! A$$hole!!!! lol!!!!) But *I* couldn't do it. Like I said - the existence of the affair itself was proof positive to me that the marriage was completely lost. I am the kind of person that if I feel *any* love or affection towards someone, I WON'T look elsewhere. As an example, I lived in total unhappiness for years without ever being tempted. SO was the only man who I was ever attracted to in that way, or that strongly.


And my opinion of my God is that he didn't put us on this earth so we could be miserable and curse his name. I tried to find happiness and fulfillment within my marriage - I really did try - and I wasn't able to. I then tried to find strength and comfort for my situation in my church (I'm Methodist) and I couldn't. All my prayers for help and for answers had me looking in OM's direction. That meant, to me, that it was time for me and h both to move on and see what else God's world had in store for us. Right now, that's SO (my OM, but he's not my OM anymore!). I love him. I love our relationship. It's got all the signs that we might actually last a good long while (unless this one email I sent him during our NC time pisses him off, lol!).

There is one golden rule about leaving your M while you're in an affair, and the others here mentioned it, too. BE SURE YOU'RE LEAVING FOR YOU, BECAUSE IT'S WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU, NOT SO YOU CAN GO RUSHING INTO SOMEONE ELSE'S ARMS!!!!!!! I've recently gotten honest with myself and decided that, yes, my affair was probably the catalyst for my divorce, but I did NOT leave for him. He and I have never promised each other anything more than what we can see ahead of us. And honestly, the F word (forever!) terrifies me and always has. So, I don't believe that anything is forever, no matter how good it is now. You need to keep that in mind. If you leave H because your OM is now a free man, would you be happy if you wound up alone??? If not, then I think you need to keep thinking about this one. If so, then go for it!

Lucky





Edited 4/29/2004 3:09 pm ET ET by luckyme814

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 8:55am
I also struggle with this every day. Like many people here, I never ever thought I would find myself in this position. I love my H. My M isn't a bad one. But I love MM deeply, uniquely and I just can't walk away from him. I struggle against letting the A get physical - my attempt to keep from crossing the final barrier. In some ways it seems silly considering my heart crossed the barrier long ago. Saturday - I found your words to be especially comforting. Thank you!

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 2:34pm
Thanks for the replies everyone...it really has helped me think about things. The thing about my dh is, he is a good man. In all honesty there has been infidelity on both sides. He took a vacation to Costa Rica with his uncle & cousins in 1998 and slept with a total stranger. Because it was a one-night stand, I thought we could work it out and we did for a time. But the thing is, I have fallen in love more than once since I got married. And if I keep doing that, doesn't it mean I should not be married? I mean, some days I think I'm unfit for ANY marriage, not just the one with my dh. And back to my comment about dh...he is a good man. He is just not good for me. The things I need most, that I have tried to tell him over and over, are time and affection. And he just can't seem to do it...he is simply too selfish (I know, I'm having an affair so that's kinda like the pot calling the kettle black).

Some days I wish I would get caught, just so I can face it and move on. Because I am too scared to sit down and say this is how it is. Because I am afraid he would want to work things out and I just don't. Plus, if we did try to work things out, that would mean NC with OM ever again...and we have been friends too long to do that. Plus at the moment he really does not have anyone and the stuff he is going through now is so hard.

Again...any thoughts, I'd love to hear them.