Confused, need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Confused, need advice
10
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 8:11pm
My MM has been acting a little, and I strss a little different for about the past week. He has some heavy stuff going on at work which has him very distracted (and I totally understand this) I have been walking the fine line of letting him know I am here if he wants to talk to trying not to be too "smoothering" of him. I have still spoken to him, it's been still sexual etc. yet..he just seems distracted. For example, I haven't gotten the typical "Hey beautiful" or "Hi Baby" when he calls.

Anyway - I was away for the weekend with my family. We had a great talk on Sat AM before I left (everything seemed fine) I ran into a friend of his over the weekend, so I called his cell yesterday to tell him (expecting on a Sun night to get his vm) about running into his buddy. As I'm leaving him a vm - he calls me right back. Told me he was over at a family members house w/his W and kids..he had gone outside to call me back. So, I guess I find this - a good sign. As I tell him who I saw, he asks me if I took him outside and was intimate with him. "Huh?" I say - no, I was with my H. so, he says back to me - "oh, if you were alone you would have?" "You are a nympo anyway..." I again, say "Huh?" He says..well, I get you once or twice a week and I'm sure your H does too. I was a bit taken back by this comment..but, moved the convo along.

So...I tell him I bought a short mini-shirt during the weekend. Thinking he's going to be excited to see me in this.. He then says.."you really are a tramp" WHOW. I was so taken back by this. I think out of not really sure what to say (a defense mechanism?) I just changed the subject. We chit chatted for a few minutes and he asks if we are getting together this week. Sounds good I say..and we ended the convo. I have not heard from him today, but it doesn't surprise me because it is a holiday and I'm sure his W is off work too.

I'm very confused, once in awhile, he'll be cranky (aren't all men) but, he's never spoken to me this way - I am so hurt by his words yesterday. Not sure what to do? or how to take this all? Maybe he was just joking and I'm overeacting..but, I've cried a river of tears for a day now. What should I do??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 8:24pm
its ok sweetie. I am sure he was busy and really think when he said all that to you. Why are you feeling depressed for this - are you PMSing or something? Take care. Remember no overthinking, hun
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 8:35pm
LOL - no, I'm not PMS'ing (gosh..that's typically my excuse anyway) BUT, what I did forget to add was..after he made the comment that He gets me once or twice a week, my H does..he also threw inthere - and any other guys that I happen to be sleeping with.

That stung. And, he knows well and good, not true.

Yikes..how could I forget that? Am I overeacting? Quite possibly. But, should I let it go and move on or say something to him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 9:21pm
Hey Ducks... been off the board for a few days. Sorry about your weekend. He may have just been in a bad mood, but if he was serious in his comments then at the very least he was being disrespectful of you. Surely he knows you better than that, and if not... then he needs to. I can only tell you what I would do -- I would tell him how I feel. If you let the little insensitive comments go, pretty soon they built up a huge case in their minds. I would attack.. but I would confront. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 9:22pm
Sorry hon.. I meant to say I wouldn't attack.. just confront. Fat fingers.. long weekend, no OM (smile).
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 10:19pm
HI Ducks.. I felt like I had to put my 2 cents in here..

regardless of whether or not he was in a bad mood or just playing around.. he should not have said that. We may not come first in their lives but there is still such a thing as kindness and respect. If it was me I would tell him point blank that he hurt my feelings and give him a chance to apologize, if he doesnt then I would rethink my relationship with him....this is just my opinion. As much as I love my MM I could not and would not tolerate being treated like that

hope it all works out for you

SB

 Seeburg    

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 12:12am
Got to agree with SB on this one -- I'm new to the board and don't know the history. (Are you in for the long haul or just a little spice in your life?) But either way, allowing someone to disrespect you is not a healthy thing. It really doesn't matter whether he had a bad day or not. You can be "not feeling good", distracted, or having the day from hell, it doesn't give you license to be rude and inconsiderate, especially to someone you're having an intimate relationship with. Maybe he suffers from immaturity? But I wouldn't let it slide. All relationships are based on trust. If he doesn't trust you, where is the basis for the relationship? Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 6:19am
Yes..I guess I am in for the long haul. and, I agree, I do not deaserve to be treated like this. What started 8 mos ago as a little fun, in my opinion, has been pretty intense. But, do you think he's mad at me for this? I just thought of this. The other day, we were talking a he made the comment that we are like BF/GF, he said he never thought that he would be a MM w/a GF. I told him it was more like we were friends w/benefits. He was glad I said that (that's what he said)

Anyway - how can a EMA be built on trust? Funny, I just don't see any trust in a relationship where we both are hiding, lieing etc. I've always wondered if we got together someday in a "real" realationship, would we trust each other?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 9:16am
Well the A relationship is not a "real" one maybe but you have to have a certain amount of trust in each other. After all, you are probably giving this person some of the most intimate moments in your life. And usually there is some emotional attachment there too in which you trust him to respect your feelings.

But for the man to talk to you the way he did? That was just downright rude and disrespectful. I would probably have burst out into tears after him talking like that to me. I can't imagine MM ever saying anything so NASTY to me!!

I think you've got to nip this one in the bud, be cool next time you talk to him and see if he apologizes. You don't need to be treated like that, what have you done to deserve that!!

I think he owes you an apology, BIG TIME!! And I would probably not see him again unless he offers a sincere one. JMHO.

Dusty

xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 12:47pm
You know Ducks, I wondered the same thing when I wrote that, about trust, I mean. I was the OW with a MM many years ago, and one day he said to me, "you're never going to marry me, are you?" and I had to say that I could never trust him. He was a liar, and a darn good one! I figured that if he lied FOR me, he would lie TO me. He knew I dated other people and I don't think he actually trusted me either. So there was no trust, and after about a year, I told him it had to be all or nothing, and that I was prepared for nothing. That was that, over the phone. He did call a few times just to see me one more time, but I knew that if I looked at him, I would melt like butter. But without that trust, there just wasn't a point to it.

Now, I'm a MW who's been involved with a MM for almost 5 years. And I don't know how, but this relationship is definitely based on trust. I trust him with my life, my money, my secrets,...everything. And oddly enough, my marriage is based on trust (however misplaced that trust may be)-- if my H didn't trust me, I wouldn't be able to continue the EMA without being caught.

Relationships change over time. Passion fades, and it's replaced with something alot more comfortable and less intense. But some of us thrive on intensity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 1:06pm
HI! I agree that what he said was defineately uncalled for and very crude. My MM once said something crude, only once, quite a while ago - I burst into tears and he apologized instantly - stating he didn't really mean it the way I took it - but he swore he'd never say anything like that again - so, tell him how he hurt your feelings on that one. If he doesn't apologize, I'd have second thoughts about his true feelings. Good luck!!!