A confused new comer

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
A confused new comer
1
Sat, 11-15-2003 - 7:15pm
Hello,

I figured this would be as good a place as any to find someone to talk to about this.

See, I've had this friend for a few years, a guy I met online at a chat site when I was having problems with my car. He was one of the techs there that helped me out. Somehow, we struck up a friendship and started emailing each other regularly, nothing bad or sexual, just friendly things. We talked about our kids, our families, our friends. All sorts of things like that. Problem is, over time I've developed some sweeter feelings for him. Neither one of us has ever had an affair, but I think what we are doing now has crossed over the lines of friendship. I care deeply for him, first as a friend and now as a man. I get excited when he emails or comes online to chat. He has told me he feels the same way about me. That he thinks of me as more than just a friend. It's gotten to the point that we can talk for hours and hours without it getting boring. We can joke and laugh on the phone and those moments with him on the phone just make me feel so wonderful.

Neither one of us has a good marriage, that was apparent from the beginning. Now, I know I'm neglecting my Husband even more because of my friend. Husband travels for work, he's gone more than he's home, and my friends wife is the same. Those long nights when both are away we've sat on the phone and spoken for hours, watched tv together, cooked supper for our families together. We've both spoken to our spouses about their traveling so much, and neither wants to change their jobs and neither care to bring us along with them because we'd be leaving the kids behind.

I'm confused, I don't know what to do about this. I do love my husband, but the time away from him is killing me, it has long before I met my friend.

I guess my question is... am i having what they call an emotional affair? I've never met him in person, don't think i ever will, but he's just such a big part of my life that I don't know what to do about it all. Neither one of us has ever strayed, but am I being unfaithful by having him as a friend and caring so deeply about him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 11-15-2003 - 7:55pm
Wow. Can I ever relate. It's been a few years since I was in your shoes, but I could have written your post.

First let me tell you one thing, regarding your statement that you probably will never meet in person - Never say never. If you two are as emotionally involved as I feel coming through in your words, then if there is any opportunity for you to see each other, you'll grab it. Even if it involves travel.

Let me also say that for the last 7 years, I've maintained (mostly successfully) an affair that started in the same way yours did (with some minor details changed). We eventually met in person. We live on different coasts and we now see each other whenever possible, but communicate daily.

Now, to answer your question as to whether you're having an 'emotional affair' and/or being unfaithful to your marriage. You could take a survey, and most people would say Yes to both.

I would venture to say, though, that at this point you already know that. I think you are in the phase of accepting that you ARE having an emotional affair and dealing with how much this person means to you and, in turn, how that will affect your marriage and your life. I personally also think that the answer to the question you've asked really is not what's important - it would be important only if you are in so much denial that if you become convinced that you're having an affair, you will end it. I can't see that happening based on your words, and I completely understand that, having been there myself.

So the questions of importance really are more about how you're going to manage your feelings for your MM and how that will relate to your marriage and day to day life. And let me tell you, those are not easy questions to deal with.

You're definitely in the right place. Welcome!

Kari