Confused.. PLEASE HELP...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Confused.. PLEASE HELP...
6
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 1:31pm
Hi there...

If someone could shed some light on my concerns, I would really appreciate it...

I have been married for 6 yrs. (3 kids) then met someone I am crazy about. I started as friends with a younger collegue, and it eventually turned into more. I had the emotions with him before sex....

Long story short, I thought that the "sex" part messed up our friendship.. he got weird.. not to mention I think I am in far deeper with him then he is with me on a mental level. I think I about him ALL the time.

Things were starting to get slightly back to normal then I was told that I have been transferred at work. With 1 days notice, I went into my guys office.. and he was kinda quiet and busy not saying much then walked by at the end of the day to say good bye and to tell me to keep in touch. Then he called me later on that night - something he hasen't done in a very long time.- He called to ask me to keep in touch and wish me luck. Was this just a friendly gesture or do you think that the reality of not having me at his side all the time has finally hit? Does he actually care or am I giving myself false hope?

Anyone that can give me advice on this I would really appreciate it.

THANK YOU... :)

Edited 4/5/2004 2:07 pm ET ET by i_lauren77


Edited 4/5/2004 2:09 pm ET ET by i_lauren77

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 2:13pm
Hi, Lauren... welcome. Are you moving so far away that you won't be able to see each other? I know this isn't what you probably want to hear, but it almost sounds like he was saying goodbye. Of course, I don't know him, or the nature of your relationship. Has he ever shared any feelings or has it always been a bit distant emotionally? Maybe at this point, you just need to ask him what he wants out of it. That's hard, but it's already hard to have an affair. You add distance and it can be really tough. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 2:20pm
Dear Saturdaysister,

Hello,

We are not far away at all. It is just the point that we are not at the same location anymore. We are maybe 15-25 minutes apart. But this location is on his way home.

Maybe he was calling to say good bye. But he kept saying to keep in touch. Do you call someone if you don't care. Or was he creating closure. He is younger, and not very open about his emotions. I think he cares sometimes but he sends me mixed signals... That is why I was asking advice. I guess I was hoping that he cared enough or was going to miss me enough to call... Thanks...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 2:43pm
hi there Lauren,

From a male perspective, most men really don't express emotions well, especially when we're younger. It's a macho, "mine's gotta be the biggest" world in your 20's. I'm guessing by your "77" and saying he's younger that he might be early 20's ? Trust me, if that's the case, he's not anywhere close to conditioned to share openly and directly. You're gonna have to beat it out of him...

If he called to say stay in touch... ok, I'm guessing here, but that doesn't sound a whole lot like "closure." "Closure" to a younger man... at the risk of being sexist and offensive... would often be trying to roll you one more time and get a nice compliment from you at the end.

This sounds *to me* like a younger man who doesn't want to come off like he's promising anything but also doesn't want you to disappear from his life entirely. Maybe he's just very confused about both your and his situations. Sex is easy for young men; feelings for someone you can't have... much more confusing.

Just let him know where you are in this. And please, be direct. My brothers and I are really stupid when we're younger, and incredibly dense as well; only the most direct and simple information will take hold. If you want him to call, just tell him, "I'd like for you to call me in a few weeks if you'd like to see each other again."

Men can't deal with subtle until we get a little older; even then we can be terribly slow to pick up. We can't help it; we're men.

Good luck.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 3:02pm
Rain,

I think that is exactley what I wanted to hear. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it!!!

Yes, he is 21 & I am 27.. saying this we are in totally different worlds. I always thought that younger guys didn't like the direct thing though.

In your opinion he wasn't try to suggest closure? Would this mean that he cares.. at least on some level? I am soo greatful, thanks! :) Lauren
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 3:15pm
Lauren...

hmmm... glad you found something relevent in my post... but please be careful... I'm a stranger guessing about another stranger based on a hundred or so words... I could be totally full of it.

Just saying... at 21... and you're six years his senior, and married? I have no earthly idea how I would have dealt with such a thing at 21... and honestly, I was much more open and emotional at that age (and comfortable with it) than most men who were my peers.

Do younger guys like direct? ::shrugs:: Who knows. I did. I hated guessing what women my age were thinking. And an older woman? Oh, that would have left me just sooo messed up.

Does this mean he cares on some level? Probably, he did make some sort of effort to call.

Does this mean he has any designs on a future with you? Hmmm... that's a harder leap to make. At 21... well, just be careful investing your heart in a future that might not be in his cards. He probably doesn't know what he wants. Hell, I'm 33 and I don't know...

Good luck

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 4:45pm
And Lauren... while Rain and I didn't agree in our advice because we come at this from different perspectives, please guard against only hearing what you want to hear. The good thing about this board is we all revel in our differences and are able to provide lots of varied opinions. However, as Rain warned, we can only give our opinion based on the barest scraps of information. Please don't set yourself up to have your hopes dashed. While we're here to offer support, you will still have to go through the hard stuff and make the final decision.