Confused...Need an Ear!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
Confused...Need an Ear!
6
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 11:57pm
It's been awhile since I've posted, but here's a quick run down on my story. My A with MM started last Feb (almost a year ago) after a work party one night (several drinks involved)! I'm single and 15 yrs younger than him...we work together...he's in a very high position...me very low on the todem pole. It started off very casual, with random rendevous (sp?) after work events and such, then progressed to phone calls and emails to make plans to meet up. It's been quite an emotional rollercoaster for me. At one point, I emailed him asking what he wanted. I realized later that the question was definately not appropriate for email, as he didn't respond for weeks. We finally talked and that's when he told me his wife was recently diagnosed with MS and he was feeling horribly guilty for what he was doing, which is totally understandable! I tried my best to back off, as did he, but somehow we ended up seeing more of each other. Recently, I told him it was getting very difficult for me and felt like I was getting to a point where I just can't handle it anymore. I told him I was falling for him. He asked what's different from the past and I told him I just ignored the feelings and tried to block them, but I couldn't do it anymore. His comment to that was "you should go back to doing that." I told him that I have several potential boyfriends that want a piece of my time, but I can't get involved because I'm wrapped up in him. He said, so just date and don't have sex! Apparently, he didn't GET what I was saying...but go figure. We talked a little bit about his marriage and he said for awhile he didn't think their marriage was going to survive, but they've grown closer because of her illness. He asked me if I've ever been in love with two people (which about blew me away) and I said no, had he...and his response...was no. That in itself was confusing...

We're horrible at communicating our feelings. I make an attempt and then he runs, but yet I know he cares about me. Our last serious talk was three (or more) weeks ago when I told him I was falling for him and we only talked on the phone twice after that...each time, short conversations that ended by him saying "hang in there"...whatever that means. I decided to wait until he contacted me since I pretty much laid my cards on the table and assumed he'd need some time to sort through it. He didn't respond to a text message I sent, so I backed off.

He called the other night (way later than usual) and really took me by suprise. I mean, I'd knew he'd try to contact me eventually, but just hadn't planned for it. I was very sarcastic with him on the phone, which probably wasn't a good idea, but I was hurt because I felt rejected. I said "let me guess, you're calling because you just came from a happy hour, and you wanted to see if you could get some from good ol' faithful!" Yes, very sarcastic, I guess because I'm looking for reassurance. I told him my news ... that I was in a wicked car accident and totaled my car. He was very concerned and said he would've called sooner had he known. I emailed him the pictures of my car and he simply responded with "You are sooooo lucky!"....That was Friday and we still haven't spoke.

I honestly don't know what to do. I was prepared to tell him that this just wasn't going to work for me anymore, but I couldn't do it! I really want to see him and hug him like crazy (and well...you know what else :), but I also want to walk away because I feel like I'm cheating myself out of a potential real relationship with someone available! I miss him like crazy and I'm going insane thinking about him and all of the "what ifs."

Someone please give me some advice on what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 2:25am
sorry no real advice what you should do but just wanted you to know you are not alone .

When my MM doesn't call for awhile I get sarcastic with him over the phone . Yes because it hurts . Why do these MM think it is ok to call only when they feel like it .

"I was prepared to tell him that this just wasn't going to work for me anymore, but I couldn't do it! I really want to see him and hug him like crazy (and well...you know what else :), but I also want to walk away because I feel like I'm cheating myself out of a potential real relationship with someone available! I miss him like crazy and I'm going insane thinking about him and all of the "what ifs." "

That is EXACTLY how I feel about my MM .

Yeah my head says walk away , my heart says stay .

When I tell my MM how I want this A to be and I don't think I am asking for much ........meeting once a month , a few phone calls a week that is all I am asking for .....he fallows it for a bit , but then goes back to his own self .( calling only when he is ready to meet )

When I ask him how he would like this A to be ......... I never get an answer .

I do date , but it is hard because I think of MM .

I consider myself a strong person , but around him I just melt . Last time we met I was mad at my MM but as soon as he touched me I forgot everything and the sex was better then ever ....... I keep hoping is won't be , but it is .

We have this sexual chemistry I have never had with anyone . and I don't want to lose that it is just too good . But I know if he keeps pissing me off , I will probably walk away .

Maybe you should think how you want your A to be . You do understand it doesn't look like he will leave his wife . Let him know what you expect from the A . You should try to date ( yes I know it is hard ) and maybe you'll get lucky enough to finally meet a single guy and forget about MM ........ I hope that for myself too .

I also notice that my MM backs off when I express how much I miss him , but when I ignore him and don't call or email him he will contact me - asking me - Do you miss me ??, Are you thinking of me ??

Men ! Can't live with them , can't live without them ;-)

Good luck to you .

xoxo ViperDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 12:35pm
Can't live with them... can't live without them... can't shoot them and get away with it (hee hee).

Thing is, I feel the same way you both do, but I keep reminding myself that this is an affair. To me, that means something different. Keep in mind I'm only offering advice after having been in an emotional affair for six months that just went physical. I'm working really hard at not telling my MM all my secrets or expecting too much commitment from him. It's tough because he's my friend, I love to share things with him, I want him to feel scared or jealous or whatever - because that sort of validates me. And because I feel those things for him. But I've come to the conclusion that this will be a maturing experience for me, no matter how long or short it lasts. I'm going to voice my concerns and opinions, but I'm going to TRY and not let it drive me to distraction. Just like the sex, I'm going to just sit back and take it for a ride.

I guess what I'm saying is, he is invested with W but you will offer him things she can't -- especially since she is ill (I know that sounds calloused and I don't mean it to). If you can't just relax and let the thing go where it will, or if it causes you discomfort or pain to wait for him to contact you -- then don't invest any more of your precious time in the A. You may just have to go through the motions of dating for awhile, but I really believe that if you do that, you will eventually hook up with someone who shares your need for commitment and equal standing. Don't settle for something less than what makes you happy. We are all too precious to settle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 1:05pm

oh no, i'd better watch out or saturday is going to replace me!!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 5:29pm
saturdaysister , your post is great ! thanks for reminding me what I do try to tell myself at times . It helps to hear this from someone else , like a reality check !

Thanks for your words of wisdom !

xoxo ViperDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2004
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 2:01pm
Hi there. If you want to read my story so you can see you are not alone and we have very similar MM then go to "I am new, please read my story & help" further down. Viper can relate to us also.

I would suggest to you the same advise everyone has given me.... drop him! ya right, like I am listening. If I don't end it I need to try to live with the way he wants it and try not to get so emotional. I have tried numerous times to ignore him and sometimes it works, other times nothing... he is too busy in his job to care about my games cause he is quite high up and I too am just a peon... Nothing is going to change we are just little side dishes to them and even if we are younger and hotter than their wives, and other guys are chasing us, they don't care, we are still chasing them and they love it.

I have not come close to telling my MM how strong I feel about him. I am sarcastic to him more than I am nice actually.

I don't think you are married so if you are not then get out there and date some single guys and find someone nice.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 1:59am
Thanks for all your posts! Of course, I'm not finished with him just yet. We've talked on the phone a few times this week, both just waiting to see who was going to cave first and suggest meeting. Ha! Well..it was me, so we're seeing each other tomorrow. AND Oh boy, I can't wait! He really is a sweet guy, I'm just a basket case when there's NC. I just have to remember that if I want him in my life then I need to accept the restrictions or get rid of him, and I'm not ready for the ladder....

Thanks again for the helpful thoughts.