Confusion has set in - situation or man?
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| Sat, 08-23-2003 - 1:34pm |
So, I've been quite happy in the direction I am going. I've finally found the control - my control! - with stbxH, where before I considered he was controlling me. And he knows in no uncertain terms that if he is abusive, it will only hurt him. I feel like sticking my tongue out and saying, nah nah, lol. I have made alot of changes lately - a new job and removed myself from H and that situation.
Maybe I'm just mentally tired...I know I am physically tired.
I consider I'm in FWB with MM for the man, not the situation. So, why for the past few days have I been considering the situation? I know it won't be other than an A - and I knew this going in. I know *I* don't want a replacement spouse (when I'm finally indepenedant - yeea hah, lol), and I know MM doesn't want a replacement. I don't want to date - I am not ready for that because although I know I've learned ALOT about relationships for being in an EMA and seperating, I realise I still have some ways to go (I don't know if I'll really trust again and I don't know why, I've been having doubts about MM).
I knew this would happen eventually when I seperated - considering whether or not the FWB is good for me, enough for me? I just didn't expect it to happen sooo soon. I don't want to date, but I do enjoy having a relationship...obviously for the sex, but also for companionship and the feeling of being wanted and desired...and I do get those with MM, it's just, I don't know really, maybe not enough? Maybe I'm tired of having to keep it under wraps? Maybe I've seen him too much lately and therefore want more?
There's also the aspect of feeling unloved, generally. I know H doesn't love me - and that's good with me. I don't have family nearby - only one family member miles away, and it's been that way for some time. I've realised I don't have the unconditional love of some friends I thought I would have, which is fine to know who my friends are as opposed to acquaintances. And, I know MM doesn't love me the way I love him. Seperately, it's ok - I'm not really needy...but altogether, I feel alone and uh, unloved (except for the unconditional love of my children, which is not the same as adult love if you understand). I don't feel I'm not worthy (I don't think).
So, have I remained in the relationship with MM because I feel loved (sometimes, when it's safe for gawds sake), or because I love him? If I loved him, it wouldn't matter that he loves me differently. Am I allowing myself to feel like a victim again (like I did with H)?
Catch 22 - stop thinking so much Meow!
Appreciate any insight from those that have divorced/seperated while in an EMA, or some tough-love-pull-your-socks-up-gurl.
Hope you all have a great day!
Meow

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help at all. But I may be
in your situation one day
very soon the way things
are going between my H and
I. But I wanted you to know
that I'll be watching your
thread closely on this so I
can get some future advice!
Thinking of you! ~passion
But even though I'm not out yet, I'm starting to deal with the same thoughts and issues you have. Will OM be enough? We can't do anything serious until the divorce is final, and even then, who is to say he'd leave g/f for me? He loves me - that I am confident of - but he loves her, too, and I'm equally confident of that. I've never asked him to leave her for me when I was free and I'd always hoped I'd be strong enough to never make him choose.
As you say, you need to be you and work stuff out. I, like you, am not especially interested in expending the energy in dating and forming new relationships...too much work so soon after working so hard in my marriage. My heart wants to stay with OM, anyway, and he has the added benefit of being an existing relationship where much of the hard work of establishing it has already happened. But I understand the question of, "is this allowing myself to be second best" or in some other way putting myself in the position of settling for compromise in my life when I should be shooting for the whole thing...a man who loves me AND who is available to me when I need him.
I have no answers, unfortunately, but I *do* understand the emotional quagmire your divorce is leaving you with. Super big {{{HUGS}}} coming your way.
Lucky
I've missed you. It's nice to see you poke your head in for a hello, and maybe some virtual hugs. Here are mine.
I totally disagree w/one statement you made: that if you loved MM then the fact that he does not love you the same/as much would not matter. NOT TRUE. That's called unrequited love, which many bad 1960's songs were written about, and it absolutely matters that emotions are shared and returned in balance (mind you, not necessarily equally) *if* that is what you are looking for. You will not be happy "settling" for MM because all along you have been creeping down that path of wanting more and needing more... for yourself, not just related to MM. And that, I would suspect, will continue as you find more independence and discover more of yourself.
I'm going to take a leap here and say it sounds like you have a pretty good grasp on what your present is, and you can see that you want your future to be different. And MM doesn't fit into that future, because as things stand now, he can not/will not give you more. And your wanting more isn't going to change. So the situation will have to. At what point do you let go of the present, though, and march into the future?
Maybe not yet.
I am not a Tarzan advocate: swinging from one R directly into the next, not letting go of one until you have a firm grasp on the next. But it may take the opportunity of an exclusive and open LTR to shake you of the comfortable affection you share w/MM... comfortable for him, mind you. Getting to be less and less comfortable for you.
Unconditional love... does it exist? Even with our kids, I'm not sure that it does. What you know and need to remind yourself is that no matter who is in your life now and in what capacity, you are lovable.
Look at it this way: considering the two separately, you will always love, or at least care for, MM. You will not always love or care for the situation. At some point, something's going to bend, be it MM or the situation. You can't control MM, but you do have some control over the situation.
And knowing that he will never leave his W, how long are you willing to stay with him? Because I don't know what the answer was six months ago, but today I suspect it is not "forver."
Take care, Meow. I love ya, baby!
lily
I am divorced, and in an EMA. He is still married. My xH was very mentally and emotionally abusive, never physically. I've been down your road in this past year. I broke his hold on me. I have found myself. I have my own place now. My kids are amazing. Life is good.
I went through so many stages in the past year. I believed that my MM was going to leave his W in the beginning. And a year later, I am glad that it didn't happen that way then. I have been in a relationship basically since I was 15 years old. I have been *free* for a year. I have discovered so many things about myself. Figured out who I really am. And improved upon some of the things I maybe didn't like about myself. Abusive relationships, they take so much out of you. For 9 years someone else pretty much controlled most of my life. My likes, dislikes. Everything was HIM not me.
Take your time Meow. In the beginning, I had the "freedom rush". Then MM and I walked away from each other. Alot because I *needed* more. I liked the relationship thing. Affection. I craved it. So I dated a few people. MM didn't like it. I am glad I did it though. I needed it for ME.
NOW? MM and I are back together and better than ever. I love him to the deepest part of my soul. But the obsessive part of it has gone. The *NEED* is gone. I don't NEED him. I want him. I don't *need* a relationship. I may at some point want more. But I'm on a 4 month streak of being on the level on this roller coaster emotionally. Maybe just because my life is so busy I don't have the time to overthink it all??!!
I guess what I am trying to say is you are coming out of an abusive situation. Someone who hasn't been there wouldn't understand what you give up of yourself in that. Taking the step to get out, that's the biggest thing, but getting to know yourself again, that takes time. Getting to a point where you can forgive yourself for allowing the abuse in the first place, that takes time. And all of those steps, I think they are necessary to be okay in the end.
I am so glad I have had this time to be me. I am so glad my MM is back in my life. And WOW, things are so much better than ever before. Life, it's great. You never know what's going to happen next. I love it!
CFH
Yes, I am doing alright! I know I still have a ways to go, but I'll get there in the end, come heaven or high water, lol.
I'm sorry you aren't happy right now, Kimmy - I saw your other post (so sad unhappy) and have responded to thatt.
Thanks, Kimmy, for your hugs - it's good to see an old friend!
Hugs,
Meow
Well, I hope this post and the responses help - but remember not to borrow trouble. That's to say, don't anticipate a worrisome time before it happens.
Is it still of with OM? Hope you are happy!
Hugs,
Meow
I am keeping my fingers crossed for you, and H, that the new job with a good salary pans out!
MM & I haven't ever talked about when I would be seperated, except to say (mostly coming from MM - easy for him to say) that this could last forever. I wouldn't ask him to choose - though I considered it quite a few months ago - I wouldn't want to ask him, it should be because he wants to, and for himself. And, I should think as long as we continue the A, he will remain where he is - having his cake and eating it too (can't say I blame him, lol).
Yes, MM & I have an *established* relationship - and maybe this is part of the problem - that it isn't the type of relationship I have experience in. But, even though I want more (in being open, not sharing, etc.), I don't want a serious relationship. LOL, I guess if I love the man it is serious, but I mean in terms of doing everything together, where-is-this-going type of relationship...I'm not ready for that. But then, I don't want anyone else either, as you say, my heart is with him.
I know I need to talk with MM, and I almost did this week - nearly told him I wanted to really end it this time. But, until I'm clearer on what I want from MM (or not), I would likely only confuse him. Maybe by the time I'm clear in my own mind, this phase will have passed...it did come on suddenly (yeah, and pigs fly, lol).
I haven't ever considered myself to be second best, but I have for the first time in the past few days wondered if I deserved more - with someone whom I can openly show and receive affection. Again, not that I want someone else. Sigh!
Who knows what tomorrow will bring - and remember that, Lucky, you may find what you have with OM is enough (so don't worry yet!). I'll find the time to update when something changes. In the meantime, I hope you continue to feel lucky with your love, and happy! Thanks for understanding, and the hugs,
Hugs,
Meow
Well, I actually don't know about the future - I'm still living in the present and have made alot of changes to get here. I've experienced enough change for now, and so you're right, "maybe not yet".
But I don't want to date (said in a whiney, nasal tone)! I cannot imagine successfully dating because I don't want to be with anyone else, mentally or physically or spiritually. Egads, though I know I shouldn't, I'd be comparing another man to MM and what we have together.
Yes, it is comfortable for him because he is right where he wants to be, and I can't fault him for that. But, I guess I make it easy for him in being where he wants me to be.
With regards to the love, I have to think on that some more, and it's quite late now.
I will catch up with you later, lily-of-the-straight-talk valley, lol. Thanks!!
Hugs,
Meow
I can only hope that he and I are meeting up
this week to talk.
And you know how I said I'll most likely be in
this situation one day? Well, it looks like I am.
~passion
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