Confusion has set in - situation or man?
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| Sat, 08-23-2003 - 1:34pm |
So, I've been quite happy in the direction I am going. I've finally found the control - my control! - with stbxH, where before I considered he was controlling me. And he knows in no uncertain terms that if he is abusive, it will only hurt him. I feel like sticking my tongue out and saying, nah nah, lol. I have made alot of changes lately - a new job and removed myself from H and that situation.
Maybe I'm just mentally tired...I know I am physically tired.
I consider I'm in FWB with MM for the man, not the situation. So, why for the past few days have I been considering the situation? I know it won't be other than an A - and I knew this going in. I know *I* don't want a replacement spouse (when I'm finally indepenedant - yeea hah, lol), and I know MM doesn't want a replacement. I don't want to date - I am not ready for that because although I know I've learned ALOT about relationships for being in an EMA and seperating, I realise I still have some ways to go (I don't know if I'll really trust again and I don't know why, I've been having doubts about MM).
I knew this would happen eventually when I seperated - considering whether or not the FWB is good for me, enough for me? I just didn't expect it to happen sooo soon. I don't want to date, but I do enjoy having a relationship...obviously for the sex, but also for companionship and the feeling of being wanted and desired...and I do get those with MM, it's just, I don't know really, maybe not enough? Maybe I'm tired of having to keep it under wraps? Maybe I've seen him too much lately and therefore want more?
There's also the aspect of feeling unloved, generally. I know H doesn't love me - and that's good with me. I don't have family nearby - only one family member miles away, and it's been that way for some time. I've realised I don't have the unconditional love of some friends I thought I would have, which is fine to know who my friends are as opposed to acquaintances. And, I know MM doesn't love me the way I love him. Seperately, it's ok - I'm not really needy...but altogether, I feel alone and uh, unloved (except for the unconditional love of my children, which is not the same as adult love if you understand). I don't feel I'm not worthy (I don't think).
So, have I remained in the relationship with MM because I feel loved (sometimes, when it's safe for gawds sake), or because I love him? If I loved him, it wouldn't matter that he loves me differently. Am I allowing myself to feel like a victim again (like I did with H)?
Catch 22 - stop thinking so much Meow!
Appreciate any insight from those that have divorced/seperated while in an EMA, or some tough-love-pull-your-socks-up-gurl.
Hope you all have a great day!
Meow

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Anyway, I don't know where I'm going with this - cause I'm just rambling. When I read your post I was just like YES I SO UNDERSTAND!!!!!
I understand about feeling lonely even though I've got family nearby and a few "good" friends. And yet I can't share this part of my life with ANY of them and that eats at me - it's like this is something I love - my MM - and yet I can't share it! Something is wrong with this picture!?!?!?! And yet tomorrow I will be glad that it's mine - all mine - I don't have to share it! So... catch22 again! :(
I know about wanting a R where sex and companionship are READILY available to me and I don't have to wonder when the next time is I can experience it! LOL I can't stand going WEEKS without IC - but do I really want to deal with a R day in and day out so I can have on-demand sex? LOL I'm just not ready to invest ALL of me in a R - with an A "I" decide how much I want to invest. And honestly I LOVE my MM but I'm almost convinced I love him more because I don't have to deal with him FULL TIME!!! LOL
So anyway - I guess I'm done - just wanted to show you - I AM RIGHT THERE WITH YOU!!!! And if I could reach through this computer and hug you I would! Cause you are NOT alone! Lonely, maybe - but NOT alone!!!!
XOXO
K
No, it's not an unrequited love - I am just saying he loves differently than I do. I cannot imagine loving two men at the same time, but MM can love two women at the same time. I understand he can love each differently, but not having BTDT, I can't fully understand it. If this makes sense, I am not looking for a different type of love from MM, but for myself I want to be able to be open with my affection.
OK, so I am beginning to see that I don't necessarily want more from him, I want to be able to do/give more for myself. That makes sense because I have done so much for myself lately, I want it all, lol. It also makes sense because I am a giver and nurturer - and that is something I don't want to change about myself.
I usually find that when I am having, uh emotional difficulties?, in my relationship, it is something that stems from me, not how MM is acting or not acting. I know, and MM knows too, that I am not yet playing with a full deck - and we both know he is not either. So, neither of us want to add even more cards to the mix - it would be hard to shuffle and we'd drop them. But, I do want to be able to shuffle what cards I do have and want to keep, and I want to deal myself a good hand. I'm still going through the deck to get the good hand - it may take a while yet - but yeah, I have control over the good hand I get because I'm dealing, lol.
I have no idea how MM's hand will turn out - and I'm not going to let what he deals himself affect my hand. He's going to be shuffling around his deck for longer than I am...and no, I don't know if I will be there to see how it all turns out. But, I do love him unconditionally...I love him regardless of what hand he's dealt himself.
I just don't know if I am hanging onto the face card with MM on it for *him*, or for the need to feel loved. (Don't mistake that for not feeling worthy of love - I know I'm loveable - I like and love myself!) Heaven only knows what it is I really want, since I don't want MM full-time and I don't want to date.
Thanks for the chance to talk it out!
Still-a-bit-confused-but-not-panicky Meow
I cried reading over your response - partly in feeling sorry for myself, partly a healing thing.
I know that I have quite a ways to go yet - yes I do feel like I've let myself down for so long in allowing abuse. I can claim ignorance (I was raised in an abusive household, and had abusive relationships in the past), and that in itself makes me feel, well, stupid to not have realized before. But then, I am not sorry for the path I have travelled - I don't know if I would be compassionate and nuturing and understanding, and maybe even without the abuse I wouldn't be happy with where I am. I can love myself, but not like some things I am or have been.
In the past, I had not dealt with those issues of abuse within myself. Now is the time to do so, to move healthily on, I know that. I don't feel like it's insurmountable (most times) because I break it all down - but I wonder if I will be 90 years old before I do work it all out.
I know it is going to affect any relationship I have - therefore why attempt another, other, relationship than with MM? I know I am still learning through that relationship. Maybe you are saying I will realise what it is I want (or find I don't want) with MM if I do date?
Heartfelt Thanks for addressing the abuse - I do feel that's a big thing for me right now, as otherwise I wouldn't have cried in reading your post.
Sigh (but not as heavy as before), and hugs,
Meow
I appreciate your response, Poster, because you touched on the trust issue - only a sentence in my post and in parenthesis at that - but I've had a problem with that this last week with MM. I don't know if I should trust him, since he is not being faithful to his wife why would he be faithful to me - but is that something from within me, or something I should be concerned about? LOL, we know what Yoga would say, eh?
Exactly - I had just realised as I was responding to a post to Prettyribbons - that an A relationship or committed relationship is not more difficult than the other - they both require maintenance/work, just differently. Maybe it's partly my A has reached the stage of work, or maybe we know quite a bit of each other, or maybe we are too comfortable with each other, or maybe we are too alike - and I don't want that? But then, we all know that *no* relationship is perfect (darn it).
No, I don't want MM full time, either. I want him when I want him, lol.
No, I don't like sharing him when he's not with me - but I don't feel I'm sharing him when I'm with him. Yet another Catch 22.
You know, I would expect to feel lonely at times no matter what kind of relationship I am in - whether dating, a LTR, an A or a M (NO - I am NOT contemplating the M word, lol). But if I knew when I would be seeing MM again, alone (which wouldn't be such a problem I don't think in a relationship that isn't secret), if I could trust, maybe it wouldn't be such an issue. But that's not to say I want to be on a schedule!
Thank you for reminding me I'm not alone, which is not the same as lonely.
Hugs back,
Meow
Sorry I wasn't around when you needed some support... but I know that you understand... and I know that there have been plenty of ladies around to 'hold your hand'
I haven't really got any advice to give... only know that you are always in my thoughts... and that there are plenty of cyber *hugs* coming your way.
I certainly can relate a little to this post about wanting to give more... where I am with MM I'm comfortable... what we have is wonderful... I know I care deeply but I'm not asking for anything more... but because of the way I feel for him... I want to give more and because of what our relationship is... this can be very limited and the only way I'm feeling I'm able to give more is to express this verbally or physically and while I do this physically... I myself am not quite ready for verbally.
I know I didn't help much... but I do understand where you are coming from. I know that you are one strong lady and that you will get through this and be stronger again.
luv and hugs
Sweet
Sweet
Co-Community Leader My
I mostly lurk, but read your posts with interest because we are in quite similar situations at the moment.
Just to explain my background briefly - MM and I have been together in a LDEMA for about a year. Neither one of us was looking to be involved in an EMA, and I have to say that I would like never to be involved in one again. However, we both connected in such a way that I had to have this man in my life any way I could - even if that meant doing something I would have never in a million years thought I would do.
Prior to connecting with MM, I had been having thoughts of wanting to leave my husband for quite some time, but had not for many reasons. MM has made it very clear that he is not leaving his W. I have since begun D-ing my H. I have tried working on my M, but it was dead before MM came into my life - I just didn't know it because I had shut myself down in order to stay in my life as it was. So, while the deep feelings that I have for MM have contributed to my no longer being able to be in my M, I am definitely not leaving my H *for* MM.
Like you, I am both mentally and physically tired. Even though I know that I am making the right decision for myself and my children to end my M, it is still very stressful to get through each day. I have been having the same thoughts you posted about - wondering whether I can (or want to) maintain my relationship with MM after I am D, even though I am involved with him because of the man he is. Since I am not someone who wanted to be in an EMA, I already struggle every day with the fact that he has a whole other relationship with his W and children that has to (and should) come before me. I am afraid that it is going to be even more difficult for me when it comes to my being S with no one else in my life for the everyday companionship. Yes, I have friends and family whom I love and love me, but as you point out, it is not the same. With being LD, my MM and I also don't often have the opportunity to have the intimate relationship of others on the Board. Like you, I'm not really looking to start dating and getting involved in a serious relationship right after my D.
To finally try to give you information about how I have chosen to handle this (for the moment) - I have found that as I move further along in my D, I am struggling much more with the fact that with my MM, I will never have anything other than an EMA and wondering if that will be enough for me. I think it is an easier relationship when both in the EMA are M - there is more of a balance. I know that I love my MM and don't like the situation. I'm not sure if loving him will be enough for me in the end, however.
For the moment, I have decided to maintain a holding pattern. I know that I still need MM in my life - maybe more than ever. My emotions and thoughts are already so up in the air that I don't know what I am going to be thinking and feeling an hour from now, never mind in the next week or month or year. Therefore, I've decided to just keep things as they are for the moment, and not to make any major decisions that involve my EMA while I am going through all the other changes in my life due to the D. The relationship with MM is still working for me - as much as it ever has given what it is - so there is no reason for me to change things right now. If the day comes when either I find that, for myself, the EMA is more of a negative than a positive, or life throws someone else at me (who is single!) and I think I might be able to have a relationship with, then I will re-evaluate.
I don't know if any of my rambling is helpful to you, but you have helped me with your postings many times (especially since I struggle with the whole concept that my EMA will always only be an EMA). I mostly wanted you to know that someone else has had similar thoughts and questions to yours.
How the heck are you? i started reading your post but I have to run out to the dentist. I will respond tomorrow. Email me when you can, I would love to catch up:):) NMR
I so appreciate your coming out of lurkdom to post. I hope other members on the board read your post, and realise how posting help those that lurk, too. I'm glad that you've found help through the board (and I'm glad my ramblings can help too)!
You are right in that it is not good to make changes in so many areas at one time. D'ing really can take alot of energy, even if it is wanted/needed. I am D'ing, have recently moved and also changed jobs - as Rose has said, I should take a moment and put my feet up.
I entered my EMA after stbxH asked for a D - I felt strong with MM and in my EMA, and weak with stbxH. Because I have finally! been able to stand up to stbxH in what I want, due in part to my EMA and what I've learned about myself and relationships, I feel quite strong with (against? lol) stbxH...but now paradoxily weak with MM and the EMA now.
A part of me has an urgent need to talk with MM and tell him what I'm thinking...but then, a part of me also thinks alot of it is in my own head - I go back and forth, back and forth, literally by the hour as you say. I know I shouldn't make any other changes right now, but remain positive and plant good thought seeds in my mind's garden. I think I'll have more clarity about MM and the EMA once those pesky weeds are gone!
If I do blurt it all out to MM, I will post the outcome on the board - lol, I know I'll feel the need to write it down, but others may learn as well (even if no two situations are the same, we can draw from each other's experiences). Thank goodness for this board and those I've been fortunate to cross paths with through it - it's my therapy, lol, and I do draw strength from you all.
And now, Candy, that you have introduced yourself, I hope you find the time and feel comfortable in joining in more often. Others will benefit from your insight, and I have an interest in how your *story* progresses. Above all, I wish you strength, and peace.
Thanks again,
Meow
Yes, MM does treat me well - I guess I analyze if he really does due to past experiences. And I realize, because he's the first guy that I feel has treated me respectfully, it is probably a big reason why I fell for him.
When I look back on my life, it's amazing the physical and mental abuse I've endured (though there have been good times, too). But you know, I don't feel a *victim*, and can forgive those people because they are the ones with the problems, and some of them never worked through it...what a shame they were never really happy. I know as I go through the second half of my life (egads!), the quality of it will be much richer.
Everyone - you, the posters and lurkers of this board, me, everyone...but most especially children - deserve to be treated with respect. I'm glad for you, Kimmy, that you had a healthy childhood - know it will stand you in good stead when you do find that ring on your finger!
Hugs back,
Meow
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