Confusion has set in - situation or man?
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| Sat, 08-23-2003 - 1:34pm |
So, I've been quite happy in the direction I am going. I've finally found the control - my control! - with stbxH, where before I considered he was controlling me. And he knows in no uncertain terms that if he is abusive, it will only hurt him. I feel like sticking my tongue out and saying, nah nah, lol. I have made alot of changes lately - a new job and removed myself from H and that situation.
Maybe I'm just mentally tired...I know I am physically tired.
I consider I'm in FWB with MM for the man, not the situation. So, why for the past few days have I been considering the situation? I know it won't be other than an A - and I knew this going in. I know *I* don't want a replacement spouse (when I'm finally indepenedant - yeea hah, lol), and I know MM doesn't want a replacement. I don't want to date - I am not ready for that because although I know I've learned ALOT about relationships for being in an EMA and seperating, I realise I still have some ways to go (I don't know if I'll really trust again and I don't know why, I've been having doubts about MM).
I knew this would happen eventually when I seperated - considering whether or not the FWB is good for me, enough for me? I just didn't expect it to happen sooo soon. I don't want to date, but I do enjoy having a relationship...obviously for the sex, but also for companionship and the feeling of being wanted and desired...and I do get those with MM, it's just, I don't know really, maybe not enough? Maybe I'm tired of having to keep it under wraps? Maybe I've seen him too much lately and therefore want more?
There's also the aspect of feeling unloved, generally. I know H doesn't love me - and that's good with me. I don't have family nearby - only one family member miles away, and it's been that way for some time. I've realised I don't have the unconditional love of some friends I thought I would have, which is fine to know who my friends are as opposed to acquaintances. And, I know MM doesn't love me the way I love him. Seperately, it's ok - I'm not really needy...but altogether, I feel alone and uh, unloved (except for the unconditional love of my children, which is not the same as adult love if you understand). I don't feel I'm not worthy (I don't think).
So, have I remained in the relationship with MM because I feel loved (sometimes, when it's safe for gawds sake), or because I love him? If I loved him, it wouldn't matter that he loves me differently. Am I allowing myself to feel like a victim again (like I did with H)?
Catch 22 - stop thinking so much Meow!
Appreciate any insight from those that have divorced/seperated while in an EMA, or some tough-love-pull-your-socks-up-gurl.
Hope you all have a great day!
Meow

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I do understand your not being available on the board 24/7 for goodness sake! I know you know that I know that, lol. And, the hugs are as welcome as the insight.
I know you've been at this stage for a while, not quite ready to verbalize what you think/feel. I've always been one to say that open and honest communication is best, but then I myself post here on the board thoughts that I wouldn't dare/care to share with MM! You'll find your own time, I know.
I'm glad that what you and MM share is wonderful - and thank you for the reminder...what MM & I have shared so far has been divine, and for that I'm happy. Thanks for the strength - I *will* get through it eventually I know.
Hugs,
Meow
It's been ages. I started reading one of your posts - that what you and MM share now is a deeper friendship compared to the pure, physical, intoxicating lust in the beginning (though I trust there is still that on the Wednesdays, lol). And, I remember thinking - yeah.
I'd love to catch up on Your news!, and *will* email. I am straight out of Oz - Scarecrow would sing, If I Only Had a Brain, and I would sing, If I Only Had More Time. I'm more ok than not - just not "right", you know?
I trust all is well with you!
LoL,
Meow
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