Considering future with MM

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Considering future with MM
5
Sun, 02-08-2004 - 11:36pm
Hi everyone: Well after 5 years of involvement with my MM, I am actually considering what was 'the unthinkable' in the beginning of the A, and contemplating making the move to leave my H. My M is miserable, and so is MM's. I keep thinking, I am not getting any younger (48 years old), and what do I have left, maybe 20 good years or so (if I am so lucky),and MM too. As we all know, there are certainly no guarantees in this world. With so many posts in which the general consensus is to not upset the apple cart and leave their M's, I'm just curious how many out there are now starting to have second thoughts (like myself), and are considering taking the plunge? It would be a total upheaval to my kids but I know in my heart he and I belong together. We (MM and I) have talked about it in the past. He is staying in his M for his younger daughter's sake at this point, which is fine by me, for now. Just curious if anyone else out there is having these feelings. Thanks, Virgogirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 7:45am
Saw your message and had to reply. I am very much in love with my MW whom I honestly believe is my soul mate. I have recently decided to end my M which I knew would end one day because it was never one of love but convenience. My MW has told me she reciprocates my feelings but is not ready to leave because of many circumstances, but the biggest one being a young child. I'm older than her and thinking about the time too. Nothing would make me happier than to run off with her right now and we both agree that we would be very happy and perfect for each other. I have told her I'll wait but I'm so confused and worried about sitting by knowing that she is with her H. I don't want jealousy to get the best of me. On the one hand, I know she is smart- we need to wait so that we can do this right but on the other hand if we are meant to be together how can we wait and how can she put me through knowing she is at home with her H living this "other" life. We have had so many intense heartbreaking sobbing conversations over this I'm starting to think we'll go nuts. We try to pull away to make things easier but it never lasts for long- I know with everything in me that this woman was created for me to love. She is the most wonderful person I've ever known and is all I think about. So I'm trying not to go crazy, but have no idea what I'm going to do. I'll wait because I have to but scared as can be about what the future truly holds.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 10:39pm
Dear Stars and Angels: Thanks for the response. I can really relate to what you are feeling. Because of our circumstances (my kids being older), I am to the point of leaving my lousy M, but I know that he cannot yet do so. I have insecure thoughts at times of "what if" (sort of a fill in the blank sentence)- 'what if he decides to work it out with his W, what if he stays to keep the peace with his kids, what if he stays with her to save face with his family, etc).' I myself have searched my heart over and over again and realized that I no longer have the desire to stay with my H anymore. I too believe my MM is my soulmate, and we are also very much in love. But sometimes I fear he doesn't have the stomach to leave his W. Not because he's cowardly or anything like that, but because he doesn't want to hurt anyone (mainly his kids). His sensitivity is one of the things that drew me to him in the first place, so I can't fault him for not wanting to hurt them. I have also thought about what you are experiencing and wondered if once I am living alone, will the jealousy drive me crazy? On the other hand I sense that if I were to leave my H, that he may eventually follow suit with me paving the way, so to speak. Throughout our EMA, we have never put any pressure on each other, but instead focused on enjoying each others' company for the little stolen moments that we are able to find. And I don't feel it's right to push him to leave before he is ready. Leaving one's marriage is a painful journey each of us must take on our own, no matter what other variables apply. If I do leave my H, it will be because my M was a mess to begin with and not because of my MM (well not totally, at least). I want him to leave for the right reasons that apply in his life, too. But it's a tough situation to live with and I certainly know how you feel. Take Care, Virgogirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 12:47pm
Dear Stars and Virgo... I was just thinking today about how to seperate the issues of the M (good or bad) with the issues of the A. When I entered into the A, I knew he was married and he knew I was. We never thought then of the jealousy factor. However, like any evolving relationship, we became territorial of each other -- including wanting to exclude the pre-existing partner. We know it's silly and painful, but there it is. My best advise to you both would be to seperate the two issues -- the M and the A. This sounds calculating, but list the good and bad in the M, then decide whether to go or stay. Then, seperately, list the good and bad in the A and make the same decision. Again, I've said this before, it's a matter of percentages. If it makes you happy a larger percentage of the time, it's worth staying for. If it makes you unhappy a larger percentage of the time, life is too short to waste time on it. Hugs to you both.

Oh -- and don't do both exercises at the same time. Address the marriage first.. it may just change the dynamics of the affair. SSis

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 11:46pm
I hear everything you're saying, about time slipping away, and if you don't do it now you may never do it.

Figuring out the way to actually leave my marriage has been the hardest for me...and I wish I could figure out a way to view my affair as a separate entity from my marriage, but the two are so interconnected. I doubt I would have even thought about leaving my H if this other person hadn't come into my life. I simply wasn't looking.....

Thanks for the tip here about listing the good and bad points of both. I may use that exercise for myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 9:11am
Sounds like you all have your priorities right. If you are leaving your M, do it because of the M, not the MM or MW.

Its a hard thing to do going thru a D, BTDT. And I wouldn't want to do it again.

You don't know what will happen with your A afterwards though, it will probably change. I know I talked awhile ago about leaving H, and told MM I would probably date if I did. That gave him something to think about. But he never suggested that he would leave his W, the only thing he's ever said about that was "maybe after his kids are in college he would leave if things were the same".

So you really can't depend on the MM to change his situation. But if you really feel strongly about leaving your M, just make sure you are doing it for the right reason: YOU.

Take care,

Dusty
xxxx