Considering infidelity for first time
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| Thu, 05-27-2004 - 1:23pm |
I have been very happily married to the love of my life for 16 years. Suddenly, 6 months ago, I woke up and didn't want to be married anymore. I can't explain why this happened.
Subsequently, I find myself unbelievably attracted to a MM I work with. He is having marriage problems (pending divorce) and we live 2000 mile apart.
Our conversations have gotten more and more personal, and I suspect we are headed down the path towards an A.
I do not want to end my marriage at all. I still love my husband, but I can't stop thinking about this other man. I'm certain that if he made a move on me, I would not be able to resist.
So, my question is: for the MW out there in happy marriages, what is your advice? Have you regretted your A? Could an A be just a sweet, brief thing that helped you scratch an itch without destroying your marriage?
This has been going on for months and is getting worse, not better.

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I don't consider my H the "love of my life" so I can't relate as to why you would want to stray. Are you around 35?? I know when I was there was when I first started having these real ideas of an A. I am in a REAL A now with a man that I was so drawn to I just couldn't stop myself. I knew at the time that he was trouble. I said to myself that I was putting myself in danger going ahead with this. Although I care so deeply for him and have a huge emotional investment in this I always worry about when it will end, and is he thinking of ending it because of our last convo? Or maybe because he has been too busy to be with me. I just found out through my son he bought a new car... I talked to him twice this week and never mentioned it!
I have so enjoyed being with him and our little conversations that went just the way I wanted them to, but it has been just as miserable... I would say don't do it. If you love your husband work on that. Figure out why all of a sudden you woke up not wanting to be married. Then go from there. A man just heading for divorce is going through all kinds of emotional turmoil, you might do in a pinch but in the long run you may not be the one he ends up with or he may go back to his W. I know that isn't what you are thinking NOW but you will ... trust me you will
dd
I've been happily married for 18+ yrs. (I wouldn't say the LOML)but anyway, we have it very good. The last 3 years I guess I've been very attracted to a MM at work. (Well, he wasn't married when we first started having drinks, but I was).
Anyway, I've definately been having an EA with him. It started to get physical a few
months ago - he wants to take this in small steps... I tried to resist his advances toward me, but then I caved. It's really hard to resist when you have such chemistry for someone.
I don't want to end my marriage nor does he. And he just got married (1 yr +).
I've been reading a lot about affairs and it hit close to home when it says the obsession for someone is because of the secrecy. This to me makes a lot of sense. I think about this man all the time. I can't help it.
In answer to your question of regretting it or not, no I have not; but then it's not really a full-blown affair IMO. (We've never gone very far sexually). I am hoping that it will be just a once-in-a-lifetime thing that I experience and we stay friends. Maybe I am kidding myself, I don't know.
All I know is I can relate. Mine has been going on for years. My H suspected I was having an affair from the first time I went out w/this man. (I wasn't.) It took years to develop for us.
n
My honest opinion is to not get into the affair.
~Flirty~
I'm 43, but I feel about 15 right now!
I am not interested in pursuing a long term relationship with this man. We have actually known each other for 5 years and have grown to be great friends. I have always thought he was 'cute,' but now the attraction is really, really strong. I want to get him out of my head. I think about him more and more, not less and less as time goes on.
We only see each other about 3 times a year - the next time (next month) I don't know if I'll be able to ignore his hints anymore. I have no delusions at all about his wanting a long term relationship with me - I'm sure he is not interested in that either. Like I said, we live 2000 miles apart and neither would want to move, I'm certain.
So, would pushing this attraction we have 'all the way' scratch the itch so I would stop constantly wondering about him? Or, would it make me think about him even more (if that is possible)? I'm atually hoping that the reality of him does NOT live up my fantasy of him and that I quickly see him for the mere mortal that he is! I'm not fantasizing about a life with him - just sex!
Few more facts: only been with one man in my life (husband). Two kids. I'm a physician with a very busy practice. Very full life with all the trimmings.
Appreciate your perspective.
If I may not be too bold in saying "Should you scratch your itch, I would not be surprised to learn that it will rapidly spread through your whole body, your mind, and your soul." You will develop an ache that you cannot imagine. You will hurt inside and this will in turn fester outside. Many folks here spend their days and nights in tears because of what the affair has done to their lives. Sure they feel great during a few fleeting moments of passion with what seems to be "Mr. or Mrs. Right" and I would be lying if I said I did not enjoy having somebody shower me with affection. Sure that part was incredible.
If you keep reading the posts here you will often hear affairs referred to as addictions, emotional rollercoasters, and well this is my own description ... but a dreadful nightmarish event. LOL
Good luck
elf
OM lives far away... finally after a year we got together and it was great but brief. I fully realize that is /was nothing more then emotional relief and great sex. I am over 40 and had never been w/ another man. Did not want to die an old lady having never been with anyone else. worth the risks and emtional crap just to have a brief time of connection. BTW been married for over 1/2 my life as well. Now the problem is how do I plan to see him again???
Unfortunately no matter how you feel NOW about him, it will change. It only gets more intense. I suppose you could be disappointed, but at the same time it is most likely you will just become more emotionally involved. I was only with two other "men" before my H and I married, so although he wasn't my only one, I really don't think I was sexually, amoung other things, mature. So if you are curious to see what another man is like, and KNOW you can keep the emotions out of it, then go for a fling with this man. If not... don't walk... RUN!!!
:)
dd
Okay here goes,
I also had never been with another man sexually. I am 37 and I have been with my H since 17. We lived together while I attended college and then married the summer after graduation. So I'll save you the math, and tell you that we will be celebrating (as far as I know) our 16th Wedding anniversary this coming August.
Approximately 2 years ago, the company I worked for at the time, hired a new sales representative. The minute we were introduced, something inside of me (radar, if you will) came to full attention. It was as though I already knew him.
Not to get to involved in my beliefs regarding past-life regression, a topic that I have read an abundance about, and that thoroughly interests me - upon meeting xMM, I felt as though I must have known him in a past life - the connection was that strong.
During the 1 1/2 years we worked together, we were able to hold our feelings and emotions at bay. We never mentioned them, even to each other. However, we did develop a very strong friendship - we sat in each other's offices daily - talking, laughing, flirting. It was absolutely wonderful in my opinion. I couldn't wait to get to work most days.
Subsequently, I was offered a more prosperous position with another company. As my last day of work quickly approached, I began to feel anxious and depressed - and at first I could not figure out why, then the lightbulb finally came on. I didn't want to leave him. But, I had to - but not before letting him know how I felt, how he had made such a positive impact on my life - I did this in a letter, left it in his IN BOX.
That was the beginning of our A. It lasted 7 gloriously horrendous months. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times!"
So here I sit, 2 months later - broken hearted, rebuilding a marriage (yes, H knows all), and those damn thoughts never leave. Some days I actually think I must be losing my mind - and that's while on anti-depressants. I couldn't imagine how I would be feeling without them.
Anyway, that's my story. I don't know if it helps you in making a decision. However, you may find that the "itch" just isn't going to go away with one scratch. You may also find yourself becoming emotionally attached, as hard as you fight it - and...
You may find yourself falling in love with someone - you never thought possible, because how in the world could you, when you already have the love of your life.
Just my thoughts
Take care
Red
Because of my work (we both spend about 3 weeks per year volunteering in other countries - we are a surgical team together), I absolutely have to see him a few times a year. Our rhetoric with each other keeps getting more and more personal, and the hints we have both dropped are actually pretty much beyond hints now.
What is the best thing to do, emotionally for me that is? Just 'stop' engaging in this type of talk with him and hope he gets the hint? Or, should I lay my cards on the table and tell him that I do indeed have the hots for him but because I don't want to jeapardize my marriage, we have to cut this out? Will my finally admitting my physical attraction to him make him MORE likely to make a real move for me? How would most guys take that? I guess I need a man's opinion on that one. Honestly - I don't believe I could resist him if he presses me at all.
You are all great - so eloquent.
Thanks,
Jeannie
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