contact after 7 weeks NC

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
contact after 7 weeks NC
10
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 2:24pm
I'm so nervous and excited I can hardly type right now. My MM has contact me today after 7 weeks of not hearing from him. He didn't say goodbye or anything. Now today he gets ahold of me again by IM. When I ask him where he's been, he said he's been really busy and needed a break. I am all mixed up in my feelings, on the one hand, I'm so happy and would love to see him, on the other, he hurt my feelings alot by not even answering me when I tried to contact him several weeks ago. Has anyone been in this boat, and should I forgive the guy and give him another chance? I really liked him alot, but I was just getting to the point where I was resigned to not seeing him ever again. I don't know if I should play hard to get, or just accept the fact that it was a really busy time for him, and I wasn't his first priority. Any advice??
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 2:44pm
I wouldn't play "hard to get." If you feel like you're strong and you don't want to resume contact, then don't resume contact. Tell him you deserve better treatment than that. But be prepared for him to call your bluff. If you tell him you're through with this because you want him to beg and he ends up saying, "Okay" and going on with his life, you'll feel even worse. Be genuine, be honest. Tell him what you want and expect. Tell him if he goes more than XX # of days without contact again, you don't want to hear from him again. Whatever, just make your demands. It was completely disrespectful to you to just go NC with no explanation. The least he could have done was say he needs some time away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 2:48pm
Thanks Lilah, I think you are right about telling him what I expect. Because I would like to see him again, but I don't like feeling like I'm "disposable". I have feelings, and they were hurt. I did tell him that and he said he was sorry, but he was having bad work problems and health problems too. So we'll see, maybe I will get together with him again soon, I know I would really love to. My heart is just going a mile a minute right now!!
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 3:49pm
Rose, I feel your pain - I was in a similar boat myself once....in my case, I ignored what bothered me and continued in the relationship with the guy, but in the end, it was just more and more pain. I learned a lot. I wish I could convince you to not make the same mistake I did. But to do so would require you to get in touch with the feeling that he disappointed you and made you feel rejected, as opposed to what you are currentl feeling which is, "Hmmm, how can I strategize so that I can control this situation"....

Until you are ready to connect with the disappointed and rejected feelings, you will not be able to play "hard to get" or BE "hard to get". Instead, you will be "easy" and devalued by this man. But hey, who am I to talk? I let it happen to me once too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 4:21pm
Rose, what do YOU want to do? Do want to play hard to get or accept what he is offering (with no apologies/explainations)? It is really hard for YOU to accept that he cannot apologise/explain his behavior? Can you ignore the hurt feelings in your heart and move forward with the R? Is it OK for him to blow hot/blow cold? Playing games is going to get you no where not atleast in the long run. Acknowledge your feelings and go with it.

Here's what I will do. I always aplolgise for any mistakes I have made, so I expect the OM to also accept his mistakes and behavior in the past. Any R cannot survive for long if you skirt around the issues or problems. They will only lead to its end. JMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 8:46am
Well, he did end up apologizing for the long absence. Said he had some health problems, trouble at work etc. So I accepted his apology. And I may see him this week. I'm mostly happy about hearing from him again, I was really missing our times together bad. He said he's been missing it alot too. So I asked him if he wants to start over again, he says yes. So I guess we'll take it from there. I was always hoping he would come back, and it seems he has. But I will try to guard my heart if this happens again, and remember that he has always come back in the past.
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 09-27-2003 - 1:12pm
Hey DustyRose:

I wish you the best with your MM after the long NC. You seem to be going with your heart on this..you seem to want to see him so do so...but try and hold and guard your heart if you can. I know plaing hard to get is tempting..I am tempted to do the same.

I am still battling with the 3 wk NC with my MM. He called a few times and it turns out that when he called he really could not contact me (due to my cell not able to get a signal in my building at work). But that was after the 3 wk-NC..it still bugs me. He was supposed to call yesterday and DID not. He has work issues may be getting laid off soon and he is terrified. He mortaged his home for his wife's new business and I assume he is quite worried about that. I still love him but I need to be more of a priority to him. I am quite confused..sure his calling has made me feel good... the excitement of the little attention from him..Yet I am sick of the small scraps and crumbs being thrown to me. If he is going thru sooo much why does he not need to talk it over with me? He was the one that said that he had this "plan" for us to be together..I just don't believe him anymore if he can't even call weekly. Just venting ~Cheetah~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2003
Sun, 09-28-2003 - 12:09pm
Dear Xcheetah, I've been in a similar situation with my MM, and what I realized that he was trying to back out of the relationship, without hurting me. The phone calls became less frequent, the visits very short and not too often, and the conversations moved to us becoming "just good friends".

Continue with the NC, you need time to think. It's been almost the same amount of time for me as it has been for you. That initial week was so difficult, I never believed I'd get through it, but I have, and with each passing day, I find myself getting a bit stronger. I'm not saying that the hurt goes away, nor does the sadness and loneliness, but, eventually, you'll begin to think about what's best for you, and not focus all of your energies on if you'll hear from him.

It's a miserable situation we're in, and I swear, after reading posts on these help lines, that all of these men, are really the same one. I'm wondering if it's all a genetic defect they possess!

Take care of yourself and STAY STRONG. Don't allow him to pull you back into that whirlpool where you can't swim your way out.

My thoughts are with you.

Lily
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 9:01am
Hi X, I was feeling very excited/nervous last week when I heard from him. We emailed each other a few days last week, have not seen each other for 2 months now. We may get together this week. I will be guarding my heart though, I can't get too emotionally involved and get hurt. I did tell him it really hurt me with the NC for so long. He said the next time if anything happens, he will keep in touch with me. So, we'll see how that goes. Anyways, for the most part I am happy to have him back to talk to etc., its sort of comforting to me knowing there's someone out there who cares what's happening to me. And good luck to you with your relationship, I hope you get what you want out of it.

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 10:00am
hi dustyrose sweetie l do know you feel my ex-mm e-mail in feb 19 1999 after 13 years being over. l do know he has been thinking about me all this time and missing me to.in his e-mail he told me he thinks about what share together and very special to him.so make s so happy l really meant something to him we no longer together but l do know he cares about me l will always care about him to.
kimmy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 09-30-2003 - 7:56pm


Lily:

Thanx so much for your support. I wonder if he is trying to slowly end it with me as well. I am trying to be strong...sittin on my hands not to call him. You are so right "we all have the same man" i love it. ~Cheetah~