Cope with AP having sex with W?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2009
Cope with AP having sex with W?
15
Sun, 05-24-2009 - 12:21pm
How do you single OW handle it when AP has sex with his W?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Sun, 05-24-2009 - 2:09pm
I am a SW in an A with MM.My AP doesnt have any physical relation with his W,i trust him on this.I am not a fly on the wall but i believe what my AP says.His W is abusive and its no new news for people in the neighbourhood,everyone knows it.And considering this,how can he have a sexual R with her?? , keeping in mind that my AP is an emotional man.
IMO,if your AP is an emotional person and the spouse is abusive( E or P),there is no sex life.If your AP is cake-eater,then you know better!
How long have you been in your A?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2008
Sun, 05-24-2009 - 3:02pm

I know that I would not stay in the A if he was having sex with her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2009
Sun, 05-24-2009 - 3:26pm
They were not having sex *at all* for several months while he and I have been together. He has been trying to see if he could make the marriage work before he gave up on it, and they are in counseling. They only very recently resumed having sex, and he has struggled a great deal with thoughts of me, he tells me. It makes me unbelievably sick, and hurt, and angry, and so many other things, to think of them together and yet I know he has to try to make it work, including being with her in this way, before he will ever let the marriage go. I am rapidly getting to the point of giving up on this completely, but not 100% there yet. I am trying not to see him as the "cake eater" although I know from the outside how easy it is to perceive it that way. I see him struggle so very much that I know he isnt just basking in all of this for the fun of it. He and I have a very serious history from before he was married and we have always had great love for one another and only found each other again many years later after he had been married with kids for several years. Neither of us ever anticipated finding each other again or certainly never anticipated starting a relationship again. We just fell back in love so quickly once we reconnected, even though we came into it as friends when we reconnected, that we could not ignore it. For the sake of his kids, and their history, he would not easily give up on the marriage no matter how miserable they both were for so long, and I have suffered and waited many months now. Their being together now is driving me away and he knows it must end too, for my sake as well as theirs. I thought that women on this board may have had a similar experience and I wondered how they dealt with the thoughts and feelings of knowing their AP is with the W. Hopefully I will have the strength to completely walk away from this, and soon, so that I wont have to have these thoughts and questions anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2008
Sun, 05-24-2009 - 6:08pm

Ummm I don't know how any of you can believe he is not having sex with his W!

My AP feeds me the line that he's not having sex with her but I caught him twice with a hickey on his neck and he denied it was a hickey! That it was bruise or something... the evidence is there. I think all men are pigs, total scums no matter how well you "think" you know them... they don't turn down free p*ssy. 

Edited to say:

Sorry, to answer the original question. Yes, I am a SOW in an affair with a MM and as you can tell I don't handle it very well.. It's total torture and BS.




Edited 5/24/2009 6:08 pm ET by lostintransition

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Mon, 05-25-2009 - 12:07am

a's are hardest on the single folks....i know my xap told me once that i


had gotten him so worked up he went home to try to do his w....


w wanted no part of it he says and i told him i thought it was a slimy thing to


do, as far as a total insult to me. in my older and wiser days now, an


a is definately not for me. i won't share, i will not settle for less and not


worth wasting my time on. no thanks, i have a vibrator at home that doesn't


play with my

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2008
Mon, 05-25-2009 - 2:16am
I'm the OW in a long distance EA. I know AP has sex with his W, but the whole reason behind our EA is because he gets nothing from her emotionally and very little from her otherwise. She gets what she wants in bed and then he's left to his own devices... She literally does not allow him to continue after she's done. Sry, tmi... But I handle the knowledge that they are sexually active because I know, well, more than I care to on the subject. I guess I figure that if he's not satisfied that it doesn't really count? And really, as it is an EA and with all our history prior to his marriage and the A, sex isn't that big of a deal... We keep each other sane, and are each other's support in equally difficult times in our lives. Being there emotionally is far more important to us than who's sleeping with who...
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Colleen
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Tue, 05-26-2009 - 9:48pm
I understand how you feel.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2009
Wed, 05-27-2009 - 1:54am
To all you SW in A, Please don't torture yourself like this. Do you want to spend your entire life feeling like this. No one, even if he was the last man on the planet, should have so much hold on you to make you suffer so much. If they love you enough, they should make it easy for you to move past him. Make use of all times you feel so hurt to try to hate the situation you are in. I am sure if we all set your mind at something, your actions will be in that direction. Stay strong, take baby steps, move little by little away from him. You all deserve a full life and a committed relationship.
I am M and physically separated from my AP, but I am happy with the emotional connection I have with him, but still find it very tough to handle the fact that at the end of the day, he goes to bed with someone else. I cant even fathom the sadness you all might be feeling being single.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Wed, 05-27-2009 - 5:52am

Supposedly , my AP is not married however if he was married I would not want to know if he was having sex with his wife.

“"Truer words were never spoken -" Ah, but true words leave hearts broken! Truth is only for the wise - Lovers ought to stick to lies”

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2009
Wed, 05-27-2009 - 6:19am
This is so similar to my own feelings, and I hear your suffering in what you wrote here Veronica. As lovegoddess said in her reply to our posts, we need to find the strength to get out of this. We do deserve so much more than to live with the secrecy, the shame, the disappointment, the damned extreme rollercoaster we live on, the hurt and pain, let alone knowing that he is with his wife intimately even if it is rarely (as it is with my AP and his W). I too know he loves me and in a deeper and more passionate way than he loves his W, as we have known each other and were involved before long ago before he was married. I know what I mean to him, but nevertheless he cannot find the strength to leave her and hurt his kids after building a life with them for several years before he and I reconnected and fell in love all over again. Some on this list seem to treat these situations like a cookie cutter, like they are all the same, but they are not. What is the same for you and I though, is that we are suffering and alone in that suffering because we are single. So here's hoping that each of us can find the resolve to get all the way out of this and find our strength and confidence in ourselves again that this situation has damaged. I hope your read the letter from the therapist that is in the Healing resource section (subject line says something like OW/Letter from therapist - it really "spoke" to me about how this situation over time has damaged me, it made a lot of sense to me and I think you would find it helpful too. Good luck to you Veronica.

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