Could do with opinions and advice...

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Could do with opinions and advice...
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 2:07pm
I knew I shouldn't have posted to say we were in a good place!!!
Anyway, could really do with some opinions/advice here. My AP is going through a really rough time in his personal life right now. All weekend he has been on my mind, I have texted him numerous times checking in on him, tell him I'm thinking of him blah blah. Some of those messages were ignored, some replied to a day later, some a very short response. In fact one response said it's not for you to worry about.
So I figure he doesn't want me to keep asking, he crawls into a shell when he's like this so thought he may want some space..he knows I care.

So today we were back at work. I decide not to send him my normal email (because I want to give him space), we normally spend lunch together but we didn't speak all morning. So later in the day I see him and he's angry. Did I have something better to do? Why did i Ignore him when I know he's going through a bad time? He wanted to see me....but It's all my fault because I didn't ask!

So anyway, now I am feeling terrible. I explained that I genuinely thought he just needed a bit of space and knew I was there for him if he needed a chat. But no, it's all my fault...I don't care apparently andI've hurt him.

I know he's hurting a lot at the moment and just don't know what to do for the best. I thought space was what he needed. What do I? Should I give him space or should I be there for him...even though sometimes I get ignored. I feel like whatever I do I can't win at times!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2012
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 2:52pm
Well you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. Rather selfish of him to blame you for not communicating with him. Doesn't communication work both ways or is that just me. I say be there for him IF/WHEN he contacts you. Other than a simple "Hello, hope you're having a good day", I wouldn't speak to him until spoken to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 3:07pm

Your not a mind reader and you did the right thing by allowing him some space & reassuring him that you are available should he want to reach out. That was the best and only thing you could have done in this situation. This isn't your fault and he's acting very immature. Had you kept badgering him he would of been upset and said your smothering him. So like another poster's damned if you do, damned if you don't.

He seems very manipulative and he should respect you and your plight the same way you do his. He needs to get over himself because the world does not revolve around him and dont you allow him to think that either.



Much peace & Love,



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 3:13pm

Option 3: Get an AP mentally older than eleven.

Option 4: Tell him to grow up to your mental age, if not, then at least to seventeen.

Option 5: Get a thick skin and do what you think is right and righteous, and stand your ground.

Most AP's will walk over you if you let them.  Heck, most people will.

As one who's both been a walkee and a walker, my suggestion to you is to keep your firm ground on what you think is right.  That's what makes you who you are.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 3:55pm

Of course you are not a mind reader but my cents --

"  I genuinely thought he just needed a bit of space "  you ' thought ' being the key word. 

"  Why did i Ignore him "   You ' ignore ' him being the key word.

You both need to be more communicative with eachother.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 4:00pm

Personally, I would have been pissed from the initial reaction this weekend. I don't care if he is having a hard time.  If you message him, he can be polite about messaging you back.  A simple "Hey, I'm working on dealing with this stuff and I need to get through some of it alone this weekend.  Can we catch up on Monday?" would have totally solved the problem. I personally think that even if you just gave him space today because he handled it rudely, you would be justified. I'd back off this week and give him a little more space to recognize that you don't appreciate being treated this way. And please don't let him confuse your brain like this!  You know what is nice and not nice, and what is good treatment and bad treatment.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 8:13pm

I've only been back on here a few days and am having no luck searching your previous posts to catch up on your situation.  I don't know what kind of hard time he's going through, but people can act all kinds of crazy when they're stressed or hurting.  My AP (now XAP I guess) lost his brother recently along with various other stressors in his life.  When I tried to reach out to him, he was always "fine".  He's really not used to having emotional support and tends to shrug it off & keep me at a distance, but I also know how much it means to him.  I'm not justifying the way he talked to you, and he can't expect you to read his mind.  But if you've known him a while and this hasn't been a pattern, I would just tell him how you felt when he was short with you & that as much as you care for him, you weren't going to set yourself up for that again.  Just be honest, that's all you can do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
Wed, 08-29-2012 - 1:48am

Well, well, well, look who's back here again! Where the heck have you been? Extended summer vacation in Hawaii? or some  married noble woman stole your attention from us peasants? :smileywink: