Could it be me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Could it be me?
6
Mon, 11-03-2003 - 3:06pm
I was just talking to MM and I said he seems "not happy." He said, "I'm not." I told him I'm not either and he said, "Talk to me." So finally, until we were interrupted, we got in a good conversation. I told him last week terrified me and he assumed I meant when we were walking out of the building together and his wife saw us. Well, his W knows we're friends so of course that didn't bother me. I didn't even think a thing about it until today when he said he thought his wife was getting suspicious. Anyway, I said it scared me because we got so close and then on Friday he seemed like he was pulling away and he said he wasn't...that he thinks I'M the one who gets scared and I manufacture this whole thing about him pulling away to push him away myself. That got me to thinking... Is it possible that it IS me? Maybe he doesn't pull away at all. Earlier today, for instance, he seemed distant but when I think back on it, he seemed to be watching me for cues on how to act, and I was being distant. So if I'd gone in there all flirtatious, what would have happened? How much does my behavior affect what happens?

Someone once compared an A to going down this wrong path, where you know you're getting deeper and deeper and you want out but there's no way out. You turn around and try to head back in the direction from which you came but that way is blocked, so then you keep moving forward but up ahead you just know disaster awaits you. Will the W find out? Will your H find out? Will he end up calling it off someday just out of the blue and leave you brokenhearted? HOW IS IT GOING TO END??? Sorry to burden the board with all this, but I have a feeling some of the others on here have felt this way before. I think my biggest thing in this is just a general fear of what lies ahead. Just not knowing where this is going...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 12:03am
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Edited 9/20/2004 1:59 pm ET ET by seansluv
Avatar for kassieree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 5:43am
Its very hard to know what to say to them when you don't hear anything. And you don't know why. My MM moved away also but to make matters worse he didn't even say goodbye. I'm worried also that the msgs i've sent will hit him all at once & he will wonder if i've lost my mind. I certainly feel like i have. I said many things to him before he left too & that wasn't enough to make him back off .. he seemed to understand that it was just my emotions getting the better of me. And even admitted to feeling things he never expected to. So it's harder to understand now why there's nothing. Every day i wake up with a resolution to not chase him anymore but its so hard when you don't know what went wrong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 11:55am
I don't know for sure that dressing up and ignoring him did much good... But then, had I not done that maybe yesterday wouldn't have gone as well as it did. When he came to see me, we ended up having a pretty deep discussion. He FINALLY admitted he was scared, and I told him I'm scared too and there's no need to avoid me because nothing's going to happen right now. I don't think that matters, though...I don't think he worries I'm going to attack him or anything, just that he has no will power with me. Being pushed away is probably unavoidable, no matter how hard I try. He told me that he thought his wife was going to leave him last week when she saw us together and seemed to get madder. She never mentioned it, but she never has... It's weird... She's not the jealous type, but she has every reason to be suspicious something's going on with us and she still says nothing, even knowing he cheated before (with her). Do you think it's possible she suspects it but is turning a blind eye to it??? I don't know... Anyway, he said something really surprising when I mentioned that whole thing about feeling like I'm on a road that I know is going to end in disaster. He asked how I saw it ending. I said, well, either someone's going to find out about it and we'll have to stop talking or one of us is going to get scared and end it or we'll end up together. He said when he thought his wife was going to leave him, he gave a lot of thought to wanting to be with me. He said he would never ask me to leave my H; that if he were suddenly single, he'd still continue the A even if I wasn't ready to leave yet. I never would have expected that. I think he has issues with being alone. I think that's why he cheats. He can't end one relationship without having another waiting. Anyway, after he left here I called him and someone was in his office. He couldn't really talk, so I had TONS of fun teasingly saying flirtatious things. I decided that's FUN, so if we're going to have a week where we're maybe trying to keep our distance, that's the kind of week I want to have. A fun, lighthearted week where I flirt and tease him when no one's looking. Maybe when I'm in his cubicle and he's talking about something, I'll mouth, "I want you" or something like that. Things seem to go better with us when they are light and fun. But here's the kicker... I passed him in the hallway a little while ago and stopped to chat briefly and, even though people were all around, he looked at me like he was madly in love with me. I've seen that look from him before, but somehow this time it was much stronger than before. I'm beginning to see that his feelings for me are getting deeper and deeper... My biggest problem all along has been my failure to see the big picture, that even though he's pushing me away today that doesn't mean that we won't be together someday. The only time I can picture us together is when things are going well. I guess I need to work on that, huh?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Wed, 11-05-2003 - 6:31pm
Hi Lilah. I don't post here anymore because I have seen where it goes. There's no good place for it to end up. You're either in bliss or agony. As soon as you start wanting more, the tension grows. Of course, there is the stress of keeping it secret. The pain of parting get more intense. The jealousy of the spouse increases. You fantasize about a future together, think of every justification for what you're doing. It's true love, you're soulmates, meant to be together, cheated by destiny. You think you've never felt so complete before. Then suddenly, everything falls apart. The stress of sustaining two simultaneous relationships for both of you gets worse. Perhaps he cracks under the stress, or maybe it's you. It becomes more of an addiction than an affair, an obsession that you'll get it right this time, that all those feelings will come back. There's no way he could have been lying when he told you he'd love you forever. You try to maintain no contact, but one or both of you cave. Finally, you say really mean things to each other and tear the relationship to shreds. You're glad that your husband never found out, but still wonder if the relationship truly existed. Did that love truly exist, or was your perspective completely distorted by passion?

Someone is probably going to flame me for stating a negative post, but you asked. Be very careful with your heart. It's a fragile thing. It's very easy to get sucked into the intensity of an ema.... but keep your head, no matter what.

Sorry.

Carmen

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Wed, 11-05-2003 - 8:11pm
Hi Carmen, I totally agree with you. I'm in an EMA right now, and you hit the nail right on the head with the mired of emotions you go through. The funny thing is, most of them don't leave the W, they just don't. An EMA is a relationship based on fantasy not reality, that's why it feels so damn good. In a perfect world, he would leave his wife, I would step right in, be the best step Mom, I would never have to wash his clothes, see him sick, cook his food, clean his mess and all the other unpleasantness that usually screw up relationships. But alas, in the end that's what most of us wish for. A wise person once said "Be Careful What You Wish For", ain't that the truth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 9:39am
CARMEN! Hey girl, thanks for stopping in to see us...you're not gonna be "flamed" as there's a huge difference between a negative post and a straight up sharing of your experience. Most if not all of what you said is unfortunately true...

Your words of wisdom as always appreciated!

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com