Could use some advice

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Registered: 09-16-2003
Could use some advice
7
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 3:57pm
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Edited 12/1/2003 9:11:56 PM ET by stillwingy
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Registered: 09-03-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 4:18pm
I think all of us pause at various parts of our relationship and question if we should just end it now or keep moving forward. There's an argument that the more involved you get, the more PHYSICAL things get, the harder it's going to be if it ends. It would be nice if we could experience all the joys of an EMA without having to go through the heartache, but the truth is it's never that easy. I do know that every day, every conversation I have with MM makes me fall a little more in love with him and during the times when he pulls back, it hurts even more each time because I'm a little more involved. I'm trying to stay emotionally uninvolved now but it's not as easy as it was the first couple of weeks of this. Once you take that next step, there's no turning back. That said, you know the risks and consequences, so you move forward at your own risk. Just know that your emotions will get involved eventually and it will get harder and harder knowing he's home with his W and you can't be with him. I would say to anyone contemplating an EMA to run before it's too late, but I know good and well that at the beginning of this, MM and I had that very conversation. He said maybe we should stop now, before we get in too deep and I said I was already in too deep. I was wrong. I could have turned away at that point and not been devastated but with each passing day, I know it'll be harder and harder...
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Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 6:40pm
Hi stillwingy and welcome to the board,

Sure! there are lots of warnings... and yes I can through them all at you to try to bring you to your 'senses' but is that what you really want to hear?? I know myself... I would still have walked into my EMA if someone had of given me the rundown before I went ahead... I knew from the beginning what I was walking into... and that is just something I still have to remember today.

The one thing I will ask you though... is it worth it??? is an affair with this man... worth not only risking your marriage, but your friendship with both him and his wife??? I don't ask this to scare you in any way... but you yourself must answer this question and then decide where it will take you.

From my own experience... I asked myself... and unltimately answered yes! my EMA was worth risking all that I had... to give me something that I needed... something that I still need... something that makes me happy and content and makes life good.

Both MM and I are married with two small children and neither of us is prepared to walk away from our marriages and children... we have found an understanding of one another and will never ask what the other can not give. MM says that we have an 'equal' playing field as in marriages... mortgages.... kids.... means that the expectations can not be raised.... it means that even though one of us may want something... if such a thing is not possible... then it is OK... well, it may be frustrating... but it is usually accepted....

I went into this for the physical only... but over three and a half years... it's much more than that for me. I know that I love this man and I don't want to lose him from my life... which is one reason I put a lot into our relationship... in that I make sure I understand it and the limitations that we must place on it... an although it is an EMA... doesn't make it any less special for me.

In many ways... I also feel that MM had given me back to DH... while not 100% happy at home... things are good and I work with DH everyday to sort through our problems to be able to have a happy life together. I know it's wrong to want both... but at the present I feel that I need both relationships or with out one or the other I may fail in both.

While my love for DH has changed... I do still love him... but at the same time I love MM too... I've realised that I can love two men... both in different ways... and that I can be happy.

I'm not sure whether I've confused you or made things any clearer... but by sharing my experience maybe one way or the other... you will decide which way you need to walk.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

Avatar for stillwingy
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Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 09-17-2003 - 12:20pm
Thanks SO much for the replies. Every day is hard right now- like I said its mostly emotional right now but we both keep pushing it further physically. Last night we talked about how wierd it was- at what point did this suddenly become more? We have both admitted to coming close to affairs in the past- obviously we both have emotional needs not being met. But we have never crossed that line- so we talked about what made this so different, between us that we were thinking about crossing that line. I think we both have acknowledged that this would be something just for us and we both agree our kids are too important and we love our spouses still.

I'm trying to rectify this with everything else though. His daughter spends a lot of time at my house- she's a great kid, 17. He usually calls me from work in the morning so when I hear the phone ring it makes my heart stop- and then this morning it was his wife asking if I needed anything since she's running to the store- and I feel so wierd that I had been thinking it was her husband. Is this creepy??

He's a real sweetheart though and tells me if I have any doubts he will stay away cause he doesn't want me to live with guilt. And then we kiss and it seems like neither of us cares any more about anything else. You know, I honestly think if my husband actually reached out right now in some way- made me feel like I should second guess this for some reason- I would. Is it really wrong to be looking for some sign, have any of you done that??
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-17-2003 - 2:01pm
wingy, that is my exact situation! we've all been friends for 8+ years and socialize all the time. MM and i were strickly friends, nothing else. about 4 years ago, his W had severe health problems and required surgery. i knew from her (and a bit from him) that there was no sexual contact between them. he started flirting and i returned the actions, just playing around. he approached me about fwbs and i was shocked. MM was always the observant, watchful, hands-off type. he called one evening while my BF was out and asked me to meet him and i did. what i thought would be a 1-2 time sexual encounter turned into the current 3+ years A.

we are both staying in our Rs, but have commented on the "what ifs" -- no one can predict the future, so our motto is "never say never"!

we take our R one day at a time and try to stay honest with each other. we back off when one or the other feels it is necessary and we try very hard (and not always successfully) to stay away from each other in social situations.

in your case since you live so close together, it will be incredibly hard as the situation progresses to separate your true living situation with the fantasy of the A. And because you live practically on top of each other, you cannot meet at your homes because the kids, neighbors and/or spouses will see you. you will have to meet at motels/hotels or at worst, in the car, like a teenager.

fulfilling the sexual need you both have will, before too long, become an emotional need to be with each other and eventually that will jeopardize both your Ms and lifestyles. think carefully about this entire situation before you proceed.

i walk a tightrope every day between reality and fantasy and want and need. most days we both feel like we live two separate lives -- and it's getting more difficult as time goes on. but i won't give him up -- i can't imagine not having him in my life as my friend and lover and confident. and he says the same. so.... here we are, walking the tightrope.

good luck, whatever you decide,

gurl

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-17-2003 - 2:18pm
i haven't looked for signs, i don't believe god works on those ways. you have free will and choice and it's up to you and him as to how you proceed with this. from your posts i don't just get that you both want to fulfill a sexual need, but are already emotionally involved -- an emotional affair. you (and MM) have to decide whether to take it to the next step without waiting for the sky to open or your H to "reach out".... sorry, but it's up to you and him.

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 09-17-2003 - 2:31pm
It's not that I look for a sign as much as I look for an excuse not to do this. Maybe that's kinda what you're saying without knowing it. I will often force myself to look at my husband and see what a great man he is and how much he loves me and that does give me strength. It's all in your mindset and what you want to feel. I do know in the early days of my EMA I was like you...happy all the time but scared of what would happen. Then things got sticky and he didn't call when he was supposed to (for legit. reasons). It HURT. It's hard sitting by the phone, not knowing if he's going to call or if you'll get to talk to him before the end of the day, when you'll have to face an entire night without being able to speak to him. That's the part of this I absolutely can't stand. Or when he goes out of town for a week or two weeks and you can't see or talk to him except maybe, if you're lucky, for a few minutes at a time when he sneaks a call in. Those are the times that are tough to get through and that make me almost wish I'd never gotten into this in the first place. But the only way out would have been before it ever happened. Once he looked at me with that passion in his eyes, there was no going back even if I wanted. I'm just too much of a romantic to walk away from him and not look back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Wed, 09-17-2003 - 3:55pm
Just from my own limited experience with Affairs and especially from your post about this man....a "strictly affectionate sexual relationship" isn't what is going to happen. In fact to me it sounds like it started out as an emotional affair and is soon going to turn into a emotional as well as sexual/physical relationship. You really might want to rethink this even though you are in pretty deep. He is your neighbor....which means if things go sour or something happens you still have to see this man every freakin' day. Trust me....I have to see my OM on a regular basis because we work at a restaraunt together. Things haven't gone sour quite as yet, but if they do, its going to be real hard for me...that is something that I am just beginning to realize.

I don't know if any of my rambling helps you, but better to stop what you are doing now, before you get in too deep and can't crawl out of the hole you dug yourself. If you feel in your heart and mind that it is worth, then go with it, but realize that the repercussions will come later and you better be ready to suck 'em up! Good Luck sweetie!