Could we ever really be together?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2010
Could we ever really be together?
16
Fri, 02-05-2010 - 8:41pm

So today my guy told me he will never leave me again.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Fri, 02-05-2010 - 11:49pm

My first thought was....no. He's not leaving his wife. He told you so himself. I'm sure he does wish that he could, but clearly he can't, so he's not. His saying he won't leave you again could simply mean that he won't stop the A anymore, not that he's going to leave his wife and kids to be with you forever and ever. Sorry to be the bummer here.

As for the other question, could this work? Well, if you can figure out a way without short changing yourself and to keep your relationship going without ruining his marriage, then it could go on indefinitely. But that's a pretty tall order. The odds are not in your favor, but it has happened to one or two people I know.

I'm not trying to dump on you. Really I'm not. I was in an A for over 5 years and have been living with him, now, for the last year and a half. I'm speaking from experience. He'll leave his wife when he's good and ready to leave his wife and not a minute before. And if he feels coerced by you and does it because of that? He's not going to be a very happy camper and your prospects are not great.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2010
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 1:38am

don't make him leave his wife OR HIS CHILDREN. His family needs to stay together, and you are a supplement. him seeing you probably makes his life bearable. but he has a family that he committed to, and not matter how "bad" he says stuff is. please don't make him/ask him to leave his family. his children need him, he is their FATHER. if you really love him and think he is worth waiting form then just wait, and wait and wait for his youngest one to be an adult. and even then, it may not be enough.


he is here to teach you something about yourself. realize that. but do not expect him to leave his Vow to His Family.


I think that is the reality of any of these married/affair situations that any of us are in. do i wish i would have married a different type of man? oh yes? will I change and hurt my children because of a poor decision i made? no, i could not endure that sort of a decision. and i think most married people having affairs feel the same way.


we have all martyred ourselves in some fashion. it will get better, but it will take time

when one does not love too much, one does not love enough --blaise pascal
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2010
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 9:31am

Just so all of you know, I have never asked him to leave.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 11:38am

very good question! and.. what is YOUR answer? because most likely nothing will.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2010
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 3:28pm

I guess for the most part I am good with the way things are right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 6:43pm

Well, no real answers or advice...just sharing my experience.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Mon, 02-08-2010 - 1:35pm
If you are waiting for him to leave his W,you will never enjoy what you have rather be sad over what it is not,if that makes sense.Are you ready to wait and watch for the next 6 years? Are you dating others? Do you want to ? There is a lot of heartache involved once feelings get into motion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2010
Mon, 02-08-2010 - 7:18pm

I am not waiting for him to leave his wife.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2010
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 7:34pm

i admire your steadfastness, love and dedication.
i am M and pretty much in the same boat.
i posted an article - affair going nowhere-

First i was contented with what we have, but as years pass, contentment will be an issue.It will not be always a smooth sail A.

There will be occasions , valentine, bdays, xmas, etc, that you would wish you're with him, not a day in advance or late.

There will be a time you need him or you would wish he can come, but can't. Sadly it's the realization that we're not the one, we're the other one.

In case of emergencies, will he be there? in case you're confined @ hospital, will you feel his comforting arms? In case his W found out, will he be braved enough to stand for you ? will he deny (ouch) and if asked to choose, will you be chosen?

A lot of questions and doubt will come before you, not now, maybe years after i posted this, but the reason we entered in an A is bec we love and we wanted to be loved.

I left my x, bec of her, bec i wanted to be with her, there's nothing i would do just to prove myself and what i feel. Sadly nothing that i have done is enough for her to leave H.

I do not want to be a pessimist bec i am now @ this stage, but there's a big ? in my mind that says - why did we enter this A knowing we're both married, in love, and she stayed with his H until now? how can she live, slept in one room, dine, talk, go on vacation and act normal if she doesn't feel anything anymore?

If he is cheating his W, by having an A w/ you, isn't he cheating you by having a R to his W ? What if it is the reverse, you living with somebody and him waiting ? ( like my case), will it be alright and accepted? Can he imagine you having sex with another man w/o feeling any itch or flares?

All those i've gone thru only bec i love her.

End of the day kits is that few years from now, will you be and him happy together?? together as in you as his W? if so when and how?
Can he promise you that and fulfill?




Edited 2/9/2010 7:39 pm ET by indecentaffair
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2010
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 9:05pm

Wow Indecent, I am sorry for the hurt and confusion you are going through.


Everything you said I have thought and that's what makes me wonder.

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