Is this crazy?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Is this crazy?
1
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 11:02pm
I've posted here and there about my story, but over the past few days, things have really started to get more serious with myself and OM...It is mutually desired, and I think we are beginning to develop some real feelings for each other.

A little background--SO and I have been together 2 1/2 years, but our sex life is practically nonexistent. I have told him how I feel numerous times, and he really wants to work on things. I'm not sure these things can be 'worked on'. OM and I work together (well, at the same place...not actually together) We have been seeing each other for about a month and a half. He is 42, I am 23.

OM and I have seen each other twice this week; while initially there was a lot of sex and not so much to say, our time together has become much deeper, and I find I'm learning more about him that I didn't know. For instance, he's MARRIED. I asked him if he's ever been, and he said he "technically still is"....he didn't say that they're separated, or in the process of divorcing, but he had nothing but good things to say about his W, and that she lives with her BF. They don't have any kids. It seems they're on good terms, which I have to give him a whole lot of credit for, and it doesn't bother me, but it still caught me off-guard.

And then, he said the L word last night while we were making love-- that REALLY caught me off guard. The conversation went something like this:

Him: "I love how beautiful and sexy and fun and smart you are."

Me: (Happy sigh)

Him: "I love you."

Me: "WHAT?"

Him: "What?"

Me: "But you just-- Do you know what you said?"

Him:"I know what I said."

Me: "Oh-- okay."

It wasn't awkward or weird or anything afterwards, but I was dumbfounded-- still am, actually. I mean, we haven't even had "the talk" yet, and I'm still seeing my SO--and I've only known OM for 2 months!

Additionally, I question whether this could ever really work out-- he and I are of different religious backgrounds, I wonder whether my parents would literally have heart attacks should I ever try to bring him home...he's so wonderful, I just wonder if we're so different that leaving my SO to be with him is absolutely insane because of all of this.

I know I should probably split from my SO anyway...can someone try to talk me out of staying just because its comfortable/I'm afraid of regretting it later? I guess technically I wouldn't be leaving my SO because of OM, rather what OM represents (there are so many feelings I haven't felt in so long, in the context of a relationship, and meeting OM really just made me remember what that was like)

Am I nuts here to think that this could work out? OM and I both want to continue to see each other...but I guess I'm just wondering what price this is going to cost. Any advice is really appreciated. -CGinTN :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 10:12pm
Citygirl,

I don't have much advice for you since I went through something similar, maybe a little ahead.

I'm 24 and I've also had a 2 1/2 years relationship that didn't have much excitement. At work, I met a 40+ yrs old OM that was just perfect in every way! Not perfect, but you know, between the sheets and the talk we have are so much fun! My boyfriend found out, and I broke it off with him, since he became abusive after that. I think the relationship with my boyfriend could have been salvaged had he not let anger taken over him and had he been supportive. I've seen friends whose boyfriends were open to discuss and were supportive enough to try to make their relationship work. And yes, these guys were hurt, but what's love for! However, that means you have to leave the OM and focus on your relationship, if your SO is sincere and loves you enough to forgive you.

Also, I think many would agree that 20+ years of difference do not work out over the long haul. You can enjoy the fun now, if you're in for a roller coaster ride, but in a few years, he's going into his "old age" lifestyle, and you're still young, it's not going to last. I think many people would agree.

At this time, the best to do is to examine your relationship with your SO. Can you be honest with him and know that he will support your decision? I mean you guys can even agree to break up and stay friends, just to give you time to figure things out. If he does that, and stay as a friend, then I say that's real love! As for the OM, he may have feelings for you now, but it's only 2 months, and the L word was during sex, so I would give that a second thought.

Another thing, men at work that are good looking, charming, successful, and power career types only show us the best side of them. We all show our best side at work. However, we don't know them like their wives do (have you wondered why they're in an open marriage and his W has a BF??).

Good luck to you!

Smiley