Crossed an important line

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
Crossed an important line
1
Wed, 10-29-2008 - 4:05pm

I don't even know how to describe it though. I haven't been in an A, just having lusty thoughts about a friend (mutual friend of mine and H's). It was definitely NOT an EA, just us still being friends and flirting more than usual. Today we crossed an important line into something physical. We have been going to the gym together because we have similar schedules, and we . . . fooled around a little. It was nothing serious. I mean, if I were single, it would not even be a blip on my radar. But I'm not single. So it is a blip on my radar. But there still is not even the hint of an emotional attachment here. We have known eachother for years and are still just the same friends that we've always been . . . with benefits. I really thought that if I ever crossed the physical line with this guy, I would feel like I had done something that I could never go back from, but that's not how I feel at all. I don't even really feel guilty about it. Actually, the past week or so w/ my DH has been great. We've been having a lot of relations and spending a lot of meaningful time together. I don't really know what's going on. I have thought that the less good my DH and I are doing, the more I would want to get with this other guy, and I had thought that I would immediately feel terrible if I got physical with him.


Is anyone's A just about sex and nothing else? Is anyone completely happy in their marriage with no desire to leave, but still having an A? He's happy in his marriage and mine is better than it's been since before we had kids. But . . . we can't keep our hands off eachother. I don't know what I'm even seeking by posting this? Advice? I don't know.

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2008
Wed, 10-29-2008 - 6:21pm

Hi Miss! I am in a beautiful loving marriage, we have sex about 2-3 times a week, but I am also involved in an affair. For me, my affair is about myself, and not about my marriage. I think a lot of people get involved in an affair because of what is lacking in their current relationship or marriage. I don't think this is always the case, at least it is not the case for me. Sometimes we do things for ourselves that may be hurtful to other people in our lives who we love. The real question is: is the selfishness worth the risk? If my husband found out he would leave me, he has a very strict moral compass and is extremely religious. Some people may think I am crazy for putting what I have at risk, but I need to do this for me - for selfish reasons that I can only explain to myself, and to my AP because it is only fair he knows what I expect out of our relationship. I think it is important to be up front with your potential AP.

I would have categorized my affair as "just about sex" months ago, but it is never ONLY about sex. Feelings will develop no matter how hard you try to fight them off. You just have to be realistic with yourself about where the relationship is going, and not letting your emotions get the best of the situation. If what you want out of this affair is purely sex, then you have to keep focused on that fact. When I am feeling down I go to my husband, not AP. When I need someone to vent to I go to my husband, not AP. But, you better believe when I am feeling like letting loose and having fun I call AP. These are the things you need to focus on to keep it about sex.

I think the other important part of keeping it about sex is to not let negative things AP does get to you (they all piss us off at some point!), or at least don't let him know these things get to you. In the 7 months my affair has been going on, I have only confronted AP about something that upset me once (and he's upset me more than once). If I call him and he doesn't call back I leave it alone. One time we had plans to meet up one evening and he blew me off and never called. I never asked why, I never even brought it up. Anger is a form of passion, and when you let other passions (besides sexual passion) become a part of the affair, you are leaving yourself open for heartbreak. And not to be a hypocrite because I hate when he does these things to me, but play with him. Don't call him back for a day or two and wait for him to call you, don't answer an e-mail, blow him off when you have plans for lunch. I do this every once in awhile to keep AP in check. You wouldn't not call someone back you've been thinking about all day, right? That is the goal of this strategy. I'd like him to think he isn't on my mind 24/7 - even though he is.

I hope this helps. Good luck and know what you're getting yourself into. It's all about how you play the game.

-Lobbying_Lady