CROSSED THE LINE

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
CROSSED THE LINE
3
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 10:22am
I was being so strong willed, and yet I can't believe I let myself give in... I went all the way with the OM. Though we never finished because I was so nervous that we were having troubles and I also had to get home with my mom's car. At first when we got into kissing I knew it was wrong but would not feel as bad about it. Then when I made the unintelligent decision of going all the way I was okay afterwards. I would not tell my BF. Telling him was NEVER an option. Breaking up with him crossed my mind but wasn't really an option either. I love my BF. How could I do this to him? I felt fine, my head started to clear. And I knew my head would clear and I might have different thoughts about the situation after.


When I got home and to my room and saw my desk covered with pictures of my BF it hit me, hard. And I started to cry. I didn't think I would feel that guilty. I feel okay now because I'm maintaining my composure so my mom doesn't notice anything when I walk out the door to my best friend whom I need consoling from. As I type I try not to look at the pictures above, because they make it worse. I think I'm going to be okay. But I've realized that I love my BF and don't want to lose him. I like the OM. Like. He's a really sweet friend. And I think I got over excited at this new attention, which of course I don't get from my BF because we're used to each other and have been together awhile. You know how things get after the honeymoon stage.


I've already made the OM feel guilty by calling him crying afterwards. I hope by the time I get to work I'm better and can take some of the guilt off of him by telling him I'll be okay. I told him we are both equally responsible. I went over to his house knowing there was a chance of something happening. And I don't believe things just happen. You have control over every action. And I let myself consciously make the wrong decision. I think I am actually calming myself by typing all this out. And I just don't know what else to say... So I guess this is the end of my post...


Suzu

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: k2ysuzu
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 11:19am

hi suzu and welcome to the board.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
In reply to: k2ysuzu
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 10:40am
Well I thought that I had agreed with myself that my slip up with the OM was a one time thing. And I did feel immediately guilty when I got home and saw all the pictures of my BF at my desk. I went out with my friend for the day before I had to go to work and she made me feel a lot better and encouraged me to work on my relationship with my BF and just be friends with the OM. But throughout the day yesterday I just kept thinking about what had happened with the OM. And so last night we met up again. But it was a little different. Afterwards, when we were supposed to be sleeping for an hour before it was time for him to go to work I lay there awake, missing my BF. I don't think I've seen my BF in 2 days but it feels as if I haven't seen him all week or something. And so now I think I know that this thing with the OM is not going to work. And I'm going to have to have a talk with him, because since I've made the same mistake twice I think he expects me to continue doing it. And I just can't. That goes beyond just making a mistake especially when you know it's wrong. I called my best friend hoping she'd join me for some coffee or something so we can talk and she can make me feel better but I can't get a hold of her. So I'm stuck at home by myself and with my repeat mistake.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: k2ysuzu
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 3:40pm

suzu -- if you truly feel you have made a mistake being intimate with OM, then resolve not to be alone with him again.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board