Crossing the Line

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Crossing the Line
17
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 12:40pm
Someone help me! I'm sure I'm going to sound cliche, but for the first time in years, my heart is racing and I've got pins and needles all over. Problem is, it's not my husband that's getting me all flustered. (I say "the" problem, but really there are several conflicts.) I'm afraid of taking the next step, but then again I'm afraid not to. Please someone talk to me (preferably without judgement).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 1:12pm
Hi.

You won't get any judgement from me, because I think we're in the same boat. After 16 years of a really happy marriage (I've thought about this for 4 months and I really cannot diagnose any problem with my marriage at all), I find myself wildly attracted to someone else. In the 20 years I've been with my husband, I've never even looked at another guy. Right now I can't stop thinking about the other guy, and our conversations are getting more and more 'personal.' We haven't done anything 'wrong' yet, but I even feel guilty about getting emotionally close to him (we work together).

Obviously, the right answer to this is 'run away!!!' But, is it? I feel that if this guy makes a real move on me, there is no way I'll be able to resist. But at the same time I find myself making excuses to be around him as much as possible.

I'm not at all worried about 'getting caught,' because although we work together we live 2000 miles apart and when I do see him it is an a city neither of us live in. I'm worried that if I fulfill my current desires, I will feel sooo guilty that it will affect my marriage. Right now, my marriage IS affected becaues I am so unbelievably distracted by this guy. And as the months go by, it gets worse, not better.

I have no future with this guy (and don't want one). I want to stay married.

Can someone 'stray' and survive emotionally? Is the guilt unbearable? Or, does it scratch an itch and allow you to move on with your current relationship (assuming it is solid - and I believe it really is).

By the way, this other guy is in the middle of a divorce. Am I worried that he would just be using me for sex? NO! I'd just be using him for sex.

Are we on the same page?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 10:29pm
I am in the same boat. I love my husband, but we had been sexually dead for quite a while. Our sexual relationship has reached a new level now that I've become attracted to/infatuated with a much younger man.

My affair began as a cyber relationship, but we have hooked up once and I plan to see him again.

I feel guilty for hiding things from my husband, but not for the relationship itself. It has made me incredibly happy, something which I have not felt in a long time. The new pleasure I feel both with this younger man and my husband are incredible. While my marriage is somewhat affected by my distraction, it has also benefitted greatly. Prior to this affair, I had very little sex drive. It is now back and stronger than ever!

I do think it will continue to help me to move forward with my husband because the affair is destined to be infrequent as well as short term. The situation we are in makes itimpossible to be frequent or long-lasting, nor would I want it to be a long-term affair. Unfortunately, being a new relationship, the thought of it ending is a source of pain. In the meantime, it is a wonderful secret that has spiced up my marital relationship as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 1:56pm
Thank you both for reminding me that there are others out there feeling the same way that I do. Me and H have been together 10 years this week and married for 7 & 1/2. We've got two wonderful kids and a seemingly great life. Everyone says they want what we've got. Little do they know that it's not what it seems. He's great. That's what everyone tells me. He's Mr. Personality, a great guy, hard working, wonderful... He's also immature, sometimes distant, spoiled and I feel he's emotionally abusive. If I ever do anything to upset him, he ignores me for days on end and then is magically "over it". I stay irritated and confused so much of the time now. Now, in walks this OM. He's a client of my employer that I've talked to once or twice a month for the last 2-3 years. Suddenly (the last two weeks) it's become more. His voice gets my heart racing and the thought of him coming by the office gives me butterflies all day. Our conversations have become very personal and finally Friday, I came out and asked what he was looking for. He's dating someone but said he'd like to be with me. I told him that I was married with children and that really wasn't an option. He said he'd take what he could get, that he'd like to be my best friend. With benefits, I added. I'm not sure what I'm doing. I just know that I want to talk to him all the time. I want to hear his voice. I called his house this weekend while H was out fishing, but his girlfriend answered. I still asked for him and we talked in code briefly and he said he'd be by either today or tomorrow. I hated that I felt jealous of her, but I know I can't give him a real relationship. I'm confused, if you can't tell. I did tell him not to come by unless he had a valid reason - it wasn't a good idea for him to pop by just to visit. I'm confused, anxious, nervous, excited, frustrated, etc. Maybe this helped just by venting a bit. Maybe. Comments?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 7:58pm
I understand, totally. I will never, ever judge you or anyone else presented with this.... I have been on this board a long, long time.

After all, how can I judge after 3 1/2 years of this?

What else do I understand?

I understand that for many of us, the fear of going forward is because change might be inevitable and change in and of itself is frighteningly unknown... Change is hard, even if it is the necessary change that must happen within..I also understand the fear of not going forward- for it is the fear that to not go forward when love and opportunity knocks is the fear to not live,truly, for life is meant to be lived. Living fully is also the fear of the unknown and the fear that the river of life is flowing swiftly by and you merely stand upon the banks of a dry land and watch the sparkling life-giving water flow by.............

Yes, I undererstand.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2004
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 8:04pm
OMG, I know exactly how you feel. I have been married for 14 years. We also have two children. H is also wonderful, but sometimes a little boring and predictable for me. I was wild when I was younger. He has always been the type to do what's right, to make the right choices, and to "fit in." Now that my kids are a little older (7 and 10)and my career is solid, I feel like I want to get back to who I am, rather than "playing" the right roles. I got back into shape (I look better than I ever have, in fact!) and began exploring parts of my life that I had abandoned, such as writing and music. I reached out to the OM at this time, because I had been attracted to him several years ago, but wasn't at all in the same place mentally, emotionally, and health-wise as I am now. I really didn't know if it would take the direction it has, but we are both happy with it. We both know that this relationship won't last. I also feel jealous of the possible other women in my OMs life, but I know it is out of my control and unfair for me to expect him to be faithful. It would be ridiculous, in fact. We talk online regularly and I miss him incredibly when we can't talk. When we do talk, I feel like a schoolgirl with a crush! And my crush has just told me that he likes me too! You are right - It is very confusing, frustrating, nerve-wracking, exciting, and pleasurable all at the same time. I am so glad I posted a reply to your post. I feel like I am not alone in this anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2004
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 8:16pm
Your post about change and fear of change struck a chord in me. My EMA has been a part of many changes in my life. I felt that I could no longer remain passive while life passed me by. Yes, there is pain associated with my EMA, but I am growing incredibly as well. I think the positives outweigh the negatives. I feel I have more control, more creativity, more passion in all aspects of my life. The EMA is just one part of these changes, but a very big part. It has boosted my self-esteem and confidence while bringing me closer to a person I have learned so much from in such a short period of time. My OM is amazing and I do not regret having him in my life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 8:28pm
thank you!

change can be good, I think. Imagine if we could place the old us next to who we are and who we define ourselves as today!

I am happy in my own skin and wouldn't have it any other way...!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 7:30am
I can relate to your post so much, it sounds just like me!

I've been married almost 19 years to a wonderful man, but like you, he is not the most exciting person to be around.

My kids are also getting a bit older, and I have been saying since 9-11 that I want to have 'fun'; not be so focused on 'when we retire' but to live now. My husband agrees with that philosophy too. But it seems like I am the one who has to make the plans, etc.

I, too, feel that I'm in the best shape of my life. My husband doesn't exercise at all - it makes me a bit angry that he doesn't take care of himself.

I got into this A not expecting anything, not looking for anything. It just makes me feel good. My man makes me melt when I am around him. He is so passionate - and it woke up my sexual side which my husband benefits from as well!

I have felt the crush feelings for years - its beyond that now since we got physical. It's just so exciting. I never felt such passion for a person before, and I just couldn't let myself go thru life without experiencing it I guess.

We both have agreed to keep this 'light' - if even possible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2004
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 9:57pm
Well, now the negatives come in. My feelings were much stronger than my younger OMs. I knew it wouldn't last, but I expected it to last longer than it did. I am very sad now, but I am trying to work on the positives. The experience enriched me in many ways. Do I have any regrets? Only that we weren't more alike in our expectations. If you're in my position and you expect that it will end, be prepared for it. It hurts. But try to keep looking at the benefits. I enjoyed our talks. They opened me up to many things I had never done/thought about before. I enjoyed our sex and it enhanced my sex at home, too. It made me feel sexy and I still feel sexy. Of course, right now I just want to scream cry and I hvae no one to confide in except this board, but the bad feelings will pass.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 11:35pm
Just be careful. My own A started out this way - exciting, deliciously illicit, and I "knew" it would always be just "casual". That was my mistake. Now I'm desperately in love with this MM, and my own marriage ended, and I am on the brink of despair. I applaud anyone here who can make these relationships only positive, but again, I caution all of you who think you can keep it casual!

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