D-Day...
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 03-18-2009 - 11:16am |
Yes, it happened. Late Friday night (Saturday morning) after DH went to bed, I was chatting online with EAP when he said he had to go to bed, could I call to say good night. Don't know what I was thinking when I said yes, probably judgment clouded by wine. Anyway I left my computer and took my cell phone outside.
DH woke up to find me missing. When I came back in, he was reading the entire chat conversation that I left open. He was shaking. Asking questions. Who was he? Did I love him? Had we had sex? To this last question, I could truthfully (and thankfully) answer no.
I'll spare the details, but we were up until 6 am talking, not talking, arguing... At one point he told me I could leave, and I felt relieved. But then he started crying and I knew he didn't mean it. I finally went to bed when DH insisted that he would take my laptop by force if he had to, in order to read the rest of the chat. Later he came to bed and said "I'm sorry things have gotten so bad between us that you could feel that way about someone else."
Saturday, Fireproof came in our Netflix mail. Ugh, can I say that that movie describes me and DH to a T? The fighting, the porn, the short tempers, the OM...
Sunday, we tried a new church (we're new in town). The sermon was on lies. Afterward, DH and I felt compelled to put all our lies to each other on the table. Nothing major compared to Friday night, but at least everything was out. I did spare him the details of how much I cared for EAP and the fact that we have kissed, but it felt good to tell DH once and for all that our empty marriage was driving me away.
It's sad to say that the hardest part of my weekend was contacting EAP and letting him know that I wouldn't be able to talk for at least the rest of the weekend. Yet we still managed to talk both Saturday and Sunday. It's odd isn't it? I know that I can't repair my marriage with EAP in it, and even still I am not ready to give him up yet.
Monday included a long phone call from my colleague that I mentioned I was confiding in (in the Whom do you confide in? post). We ended up talking a lot about God and what it means to ask Jesus to be your Savior. Between Fireproof on Saturday, church on Sunday, and this talk on Monday, I felt God was poking me in the ribs. I sat and prayed for the first time in a long time.
I told you we had been looking for a counselor. We had an appointment for Tuesday, which we went ahead with. Of course, it's too soon to tell how things will go, but we both left feeling comfortable seeing her again. I have to go out of town this Friday and will be gone for a few weeks. Our counselor said she will do individual sessions with me by phone. (And of course, I will have internet so I'll be posting here.) Though my leaving is not officially a separation from DH, it will be interesting to see how I feel after being away from him for so long.
Sorry for the long post, it's been an eventful set of days and I haven't been able to get over to the board to update you guys. Thanks for the ear...

I am so sorry to hear what happened.
Seems to me like (after reading your post) that after all the turmoil you've heaped on your H and put this M through, you're still leaning towards continuing your A. If you're not happy with your M this is the best opportunity for you to get yourself out unless you relish living in lies and deceptions. Your H has just been hit with a 4x4 with this discovery. Understanding he's hurt is an under statement. Please clean up your act to minimize the pain. If you want to stay M, then really give that your 100% conviction. You can't rebuild or work on your M if you're still having contact with the AP.
Blaming your M and H for your choice to have an A is deflecting blame. All marriages have problems, accept your responsibility in the cause of it and work it out with your H. Your choice to have an A is all on you.
"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."
- Ramona L. Anderson
I know you guys are all right, and it's the same thing I've been telling myself. I know I can't put 100% into my marriage when I'm still talking to EAP. The sad thing is, I don't know if I can or even want to end things with EAP... he's about the only thing these days that makes me smile. I know in my *head* that I should want to work things out with my husband, but when I picture going back to how things were... ugh. I don't want to be unhappy for the rest of my life! I think I mentioned before, it's not like we had a great marriage once upon a time and things fizzled... things were never spectacular to begin with. I always thought with time that we would grow together, but really we're just growing further apart.
I'm not blaming my A on my H, please don't get me wrong. I know I'm the only person that made the decisions I did to land me here. What I meant by that comment in my previous post is something more like this: I've been telling my H for the whole time that we've been married that I am unhappy. I don't think he ever believed me; he thought everything was fine. It's just that for the first time, he is seeing that I am truly unhappy. It doesn't excuse my actions, nor did I have an A to get back at him... I just meant that in some ways I am relieved that he finally knows how unhappy I am so that we can work on things.
In the meantime, I know I should go NC with EAP while I am away. I don't know if I can do it... I know that makes me weak for my own selfish reasons, and also I know it will hurt him. And yes, I know how dumb that sounds.
Ugh! This is so confusing!
Hobbi02,
Excellent post.