D-Day

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2009
D-Day
20
Wed, 02-11-2009 - 11:35am

A little background, I only posted here once so no one really knows me. My AP and I have been together for 6 months now. Fell into it hot and heavy hit a few bumps last month. He said I was too pushy, blah, blah, blah. I am single and he's married (27yrs, and they are HS sweethearts.) He's 48 and I'm 31 so the age was a little issue too at first. So I told him last week that we need a break and I need to go out there, date and meet people who are available. Not to brag or anything but I'm a decent looking person and was able to land two dates for the weekend. I went out Friday and sat. (and yes he knew about it). Well Sunday morning he sends me text saying that he can't stand me dating anyone, he doesn't want to share, it hurts too much, and that either I will have to wait for him to leave his wife or just break it off with him. Well I agree that as long as he is willing to leave and be with me then I am willing to wait. Well Sunday evening everything came crashing down. His wife found the text he sent me

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
In reply to: lostandconfused2009
Fri, 02-13-2009 - 9:02am

I think it's very normal.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2009
In reply to: lostandconfused2009
Fri, 02-13-2009 - 9:26am

Hi Ob,


I know its not my place to call her anything. I don't know what is going through her mind. But I guess I wanted her be mad, extremely angry, give him the cold shoulder and let him see what it feels like. But she's not me and I'm not her....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
In reply to: lostandconfused2009
Fri, 02-13-2009 - 10:01am

I can understand that and I know you're going through pain as well.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
In reply to: lostandconfused2009
Fri, 02-13-2009 - 10:18am
I don't know, I think some women are willing to put up with their husband's cheating as long as they don't actually leave them. I think they hope that they can change whatever is wrong at home so they will get tired of the OW and things go back to "normal". But I guess the same can be said about me, I've put up with MM going back and forth for a year now and why, I don't know. In my heart I love him so much and can't let go even though my head tells me that this is ridiculous and I should just let things go, like I did before. I know MM's wife is doing things that she wouldn't normally do just to appease him and keep him around and he knows that's all she's doing. He always said everytime he went back that he knew it was all phony and wouldn't last. I know, as a woman who was married to a man that cheated on me ( my 1st husband), that she cannot be truly happy in her heart, waiting and wondering all the time. Why does she always take him back when she knows he loves someone else? But then again, why do I keep doing what I'm doing?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2009
In reply to: lostandconfused2009
Fri, 02-13-2009 - 10:56am

I was just curious how long they have been together? I don't recall reading if that was in your post.

The reason that I asked is that I'm thinking that while she may have love for her H, she may have not been so rocked by the D-day, because more than just the fizzle has gone from the M. In my case, AP's W knows about us (we have a son together) and yet she excepts the fact. He says she doesn't love him anymore, and just wants someone to split the mortgage w/. Do you think that perhaps that is something similar to what is happening to your AP's W?

Sometimes even though we know we are headed into a disaster we stick our proverbial heads in the sand, and deal w/ the issues as they arrive. It is much easier to stay, even though it's not the best thing in the long run for our happiness. That could be what she is facing.

I am SO w/ obxbell, no one is going to be a winner in the end of this game. I hope for her sake that it is like I say. Even if it is, I'm very sure that she will still feel more than her share of hurt, betrayal, and shock. I'm hoping for a soft landing for both you, and the W, because this is going to hit one of you very hard.

Whatever the case may be, I wish you nothing but good things, and prepare yourself, this may be a very difficult time in your life, even if things go your way.

Justice

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2009
In reply to: lostandconfused2009
Fri, 02-13-2009 - 11:11am

Hi Justice,


They have been together

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
In reply to: lostandconfused2009
Fri, 02-13-2009 - 11:13am

ahhh anger, confusion, sadness and anxiety...sweetheart i hear it all from you in your writing..here's a ((HUG)) for you....she may not be weak...she loves her husband...of course she does it's her husband..whether thats the I grew to love him, or I am madly in love with him thing going on...he loves her..that's his wife and i ditto whether it's the i grew to love her or I am madly in love with her...they have every right to try to work it out and be a couple that is close...


but, you have every right to be angry and anxious and sad and confused as well...you do have a relationship with this man...and you care a great deal for him..it's normal for you to feel like this...i hope you can center yourself inside yourself and see that you are very worthy of someone loving you completely..and that's you..no matter what anyone else does as long as you love every essence of you..you will be fine.

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2009
In reply to: lostandconfused2009
Fri, 02-13-2009 - 11:28am

Hi Ty,


Thank you for your support. You are right they have every right to make this work. I hate myself for meddling into someone else's life but its too late now. If I only knew in the beginning what I know now I wouldn't be here. I rather fall flat on my face then to go through the emotional rollar coaster I'm going through. I was actually fine till he sucked me right back in by telling me how much he loved me and all the bs.... I don't need all this stress. I'm a single mom of 2 very active almost teenage boys, I have full time job, sole provider for my family (xH bailed out long time ago), and plus I'm in school full time. And you know what he knows how much I have been struggling with everything and how horrible my past relationships have been but he still managed to screw me over (or I let him screw me over!). God I hate this empty feeling..........


Lost

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2009
In reply to: lostandconfused2009
Fri, 02-13-2009 - 11:57am

That's the million dollar question! "How do I get myself past this point?" If I knew the answer to that question, I probably wouldn't still be w/ my AP, because our's has been a long and difficult journey that spans out over 8 years, of on again, off again, bull crap. I have shed more tears over that man, than I thought was possible in one lifetime.

BUT, I love him to no end. NEVER have I experienced this type of love, or anything remotely close to it in all my life. I don't want to sound as if I'm not happy, I am, especially when it appears that I may just get what I have been asking for, for a very long time. It's just that I have SO MUCH guilt because I know of the hurt that this is causing his W. I know that others have suffered, so that I can have what makes me happy, and I feel very guilty about that.

I kind of feel like their are two of us starving, and there is only one piece of bread. If I break the bread in half, and share, there is a really good possibility that it would not be enough nourishment to sustain two people. Thus, both of us die. But, if I keep the whole thing, I have to watch her slow, but inevitably painful death. If I give it all away, I know that it is going to lead to my own, slow, and painful death. What do you do? It's just so difficult to choose the "right" path. Like you said, you don't want to be in the middle of this mess, but find yourself unable to get out of it.

To complicate things, we have a child together. One that has never seen his parents together, which we all know would be best for him. Again, I pose the question, "How do you choose who deserves to get that proverbial piece of bread?"

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to rant about my situation when it was your thread. It's just what your facing really struck a chord w/ me, even though your post was not so much about guilt, and more about the mess that this has all created. But please, if you find an answer to your question, let us know, because it seems to be the very answer that a lot of us seek, but seems to evade us at every turn.

Good luck in whatever happens. Keep us posted.

Justice

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2009
In reply to: lostandconfused2009
Fri, 02-13-2009 - 1:23pm

Hi Justice,


I feel guility every single second of my life. I HATE myself for being a enabler in this situation and putting the W through turmoil she is going through. I don't know what he is feeding her (he claims he's been telling her he doesn't want to discuss it.), but she must think I'm the most horrible person in the world. I know if she can blame herself for him cheating then she's probably blaming me for him cheating too. OMG!! This is so awful.....


Lost

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