D Day

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2012
D Day
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 6:21am

So...through a series of unfortunate events the AP and I got caught. My H has left me. I found out yesterday that AP told his W that I have made the entire affair up. That I am psychotic and unstable, and just trying to get her out of the picture so I can be with him. They have now told all our mutual friends who are now longer friends with me. He told me this is the way it has to be. I have proof wirh safe texts and emails. He told me that if I go along with his story and don't show anyone the texts or emails that in 3 months we could talk and maybe something could happen. I don't know what I want to do. I know I am an idiot. Part of me wants to wait. Part of me wants to release wall the evidence I have to our friends. And part of me wants to see a lawyer and sue for defamation of character. Any advice. And if your advice is to just let go please don't respond. This has really messed up my life. May have ruined future jobs and I may have to move. I think the AP should have to pay a little bit. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2008
In reply to: AgentStone
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 8:22am

Hi Agent, I really can't offer anything but a shoulder. That happened to me too, blew up my whole life, AP flipped on me, H did too, I ended up prtty much chased out of town. :( It was a black awful time but a long time ago and time is what heals, sooner or later. Pulling for you. -jana

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2012
In reply to: AgentStone
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 9:08am

Wanted to add, that when my AP had his dday, he did everything in his power to protect me, and i would have done the same for him in a heartbeat. Why bring someone down, when you're down? I think that's a true test of character, and your AP showed himself. Now truly ask yourself Agent, do you think your AP will leave his W to be with you when he is doing everything in his power (at your expense mind you) to ensure that HIS life remains intact with his W?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2012
In reply to: AgentStone
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 9:12am

Firstly, I would like to say I'm so sorry you're going through this ((((Agentstone))))

Secondly, wow your AP really is a piece of work!

I can't recall your background, nor can i look into older posts to be informed on your story given the dysfunction of these boards of late, but how long were you together, and how close were you?

Having said that, from what i can see your AP is looking after his a$$, and so should you. The 'go along with my story and in a few months something could happen' is big fat bull crapola story, to keep you sedated during this chaos. Sorry for laying it out that way, but please tell me how this man is looking after you amidst this turmoil? A man or should i say a person, with any decency would not do that. The life you know is crumbling before you and instead of taking some responsibility and reaching out to you, he asks that you back him up in his 'Fatal Attraction' story, at YOUR expense WTF?

This truly is poor form, I would highly recommend you sue for defamation (if you have the strength that is), in light of this affecting your livelihood - your future job prospects.

I wish you much strength to get through this.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: AgentStone
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 5:28pm

  Hi  So you are angry.  Yes his CYA was not nice.  Sue?  Not recommended.  First no matter what evidence you have, you will look worse and it will be part of a public record that will follow you forever.  The damage is done.    No you are not an idiot.  You are a human being. 

 "I don't know what I want to do."

  The first question I have:  what did you envision happening?    Now he is CYA'ing have your feelings toward him changed or do you want what was back?   What was the relationship with your H? 

  I suggest quiet waiting.  You see, if you act rational, questions will evolve.  People will compare your behavior with what they were told.  When there is no match then they will wonder. 

   Let me issue a warning.  I have observed in humans a tendency: a desire to be vindicated and justified.  This in some becomes an obsession.  That obsession always ends badly.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: musiclover12
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 10:15pm

As a lawyer I would say there is no standing to sue.  Defamation would be if someone was falsely accused of having an affair--their "good character" would be ruined. (in fact, it used to be that calling a woman unchaste was automatically defamation and the person wouldn't even have to prove economic damages).  Trying to sue because the guy says you "made up" the affair and are really crazy would mean that the OP would have to admit to the affair, which basically proves she has bad character anyway, so it wouldn't work.  (I'm just using the "good" and "bad" words in a very simplistic legal sense.)

I would say that a guy who makes the woman take all the blame publicly and then promises to try to take up the affair later is really a jerk--he's still willing to go along with the affair, but only as long as his reputation stays unsullied.  What a prize!  I can see that someone's natural tendencies would be to try to prevent their own spouse from finding out.  I also can say that trying to get revenge on him would probably not work, but maybe the OP could confide in a close friend who is sympathetic that it was true--but consider how will the friends react?  Maybe they will still look down on her for having the affair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
In reply to: AgentStone
Fri, 12-14-2012 - 3:15pm

I'm so sorry that you're going throw this. 

Personally, I would show emails and texts to friends AND to the wife. I would print them, highlight dates and key words for them to be easy to read, etc., put them in an enveloppe and give it to whoever's opinion is somewhat important to you. But that's just me, I really don't believe in sucking things up and going on with your life. After doing that, I would do whatever it takes to get my life where I want it to be.

Please don't wait for "something" to happen. It means NOTHING ! And I totally agree that a man who does that is not worth anything. Where you the one who once wrote about a cows story and whose AP said that if something happens, you will have to take the blame ? What an incredible jerk !

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2012
In reply to: AgentStone
Sat, 12-15-2012 - 5:50pm

I think  atleast your AP had already told you what he would do if you both get caught . Remember your previous thread .?

".........I think the AP should have to pay a little bit. ......."

Ok  frankly it seems you & your AP both are on even grounds .You both are facing the most common but unevitiable consequences of affairs  equally  .   None of you can say " I am the ultimate victim ."    And btw  I am not  surprised that waiting for MM is still an option you  are considering .

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
In reply to: AgentStone
Wed, 12-19-2012 - 9:52am

I know you want your AP to "pay a little bit" but what will that do? You'll have momentary satisfaction to only feel like sh!t again.  You both are playing tic for tac and all for what? In the end what good will all this negative energy do? He has shown you his true character. He threw you under the bus without hesitation, than has the nerve to say in 3 months we could talk & "maybe" something can happen. He's giving you options here like him feeding you to the wolves is ok??? I wont tell you what to do, that is not my place but I will call it the way I see it based on your post and he's not the man you thought he was. I wish you the best Agent and I'm sorry for all that you are going through. Pick yourself up, keep your head up and start anew. You deserve better.


Much peace & Love,