D-Day after 2 years- Need Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2008
D-Day after 2 years- Need Advice
3
Fri, 09-05-2008 - 12:10am

I have been in my AP for almost 2 years. We are both M and not able to leave OP for reasons out of our control. Well last Friday she found out. He sent me a text and said she knew and would call when he could. He called and left a voice mail that she knew and it had been a long weekend and call Tues morning and he would tell me about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Fri, 09-05-2008 - 7:57am
wow, all I can say is wait it out, cause if she finds out that your still in contact she will freak, and I understand why you want to keep seeing him, but it is dangereous right now. Just give him some time to work things out at home, lay low, and when he can, he will call, it is so hard to sit and wait, but what other chioce do you have? Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Fri, 09-05-2008 - 8:55am

"that I have never asked him for more than he could give and I have never asked him to choose like she is doing right now... That I was going to be the bigger person and not pressure him like she was doing."

That's really not fair. You didn't ask him to choose because you knew the whole story, right up front. She is asking him to choose because she didn't know anything - expected that he was faithful - and just now got hit with the fact that he wasn't. Are you thinking she should just let him keep "having" both of you and allow him the freedom to have both relationships if he chooses?

It would be like you finding out right now that he's had another mistress for the last year. Would you be the "bigger person" and not pressure him to leave that second mistress, or would you ask him to choose?

It sounds like he's keeping in contact to make sure you're OK, and that's a good sign - he doesn't seem to have thrown you under the bus (which is very common)! It also sounds like he's asking you for space to work out his marriage right now. As hard as it is, you have to give him that space. Forcing yourself on him or forcing contact isn't a good idea - it could backfire and make him look at you less kindly. Truthfully, he might try to work out his M and it might not work out after all - you want him to be thinking of you kindly at that point, and grateful that you respected his wishes.

Does his W know who you are? Could she tell your H about the affair? That's something I would be worrying about too. If she tells him, won't you expect that your H will tell you to choose also?

I know this is a very hard situation, but you have to let him have the space he needs right now. Yes it's going to hurt like hell, and I'm sure he's hurting too.

Best of luck to you, hope everything works out for the best!

Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.

Proud to be a



You've got a lot of choices. I
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2008
Sat, 09-06-2008 - 12:45am

Thanks for the good advise ladies and for taking the time to read my long post. You both made good points. I am trying to give him the space that he needs because I understand the situation he is in with W. It is so hard to not pick the phone up and call him like I am use too. HE was such a big support for me in my job b/c we are in the same field and when I am having a rough day or need advice he is the one that I turned too and he always knew just what to do and I needed him today but I didn't call him.


He did call me this morning and at first he was a little short with me and I asked him about it and he said that he was sorry that he didn't mean to be that way. We talked to normal blah blah and finally I asked him how it was last night. He said that they decided to put it behind them and try and move forward so I told him that was good and he said time will tell and we had to go back to work and he said he would call later. I did good I only called him one time all day and believe me that is good when we usually talk at least once an hour and sometimes more. But mostly just some light talk but as we talked it seemed to feel like old times. He was a little flirty and we talked about that he couldn't see me right now and he was sorry for that but again this is a LDA and sometimes we have to go months with OC. In out talking he told me that he was so sorry about yesterday and that it killed him to say things like that to me and not be able to comfort me. I told him how sorry I was too and that I did understand and was sorry that all of us are hurting from this. He said that the things that I said to him yesterday was closer to the truth than I knew and that he didn't want to lose what we had but we would have to be very careful and I understand. He told him that he was going to stay out next week like he planned to see how she acted and that we would plan to meet the following week to spend the night together. I am so excited and can't wait. I haven't seen him in 5 weeks and it is about to kill me but we have been longer in the past and we survived and we will get throughout this as well.


As for APW she does know my name but we aren't sure if she knows where I live or if she has my numbers. If she has the emails that she claims then she had my b-cell number and with her going through his phone yesterday she could have gotten my p-cell but not my home