D day came, she confronted me, now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
D day came, she confronted me, now what?
20
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 9:38am

So D-day finally arrived!

AP had been trying to discuss the marital issues, the utter lack of compatibility with his wife for some time. Due to the way she views the world, and conversations, and a his way, which isn't the most direct way to communicate, she just wasn't accepting that he did not want to be in the marriage anymore.

He does not communicate well when it comes to his emotions and it has taken me years to unpeel the walls that he puts up, even to himself, so I know he didn't do a great job communicating with her. I also know that she is a bit hard-headed and doesn't understand the gravity of what is being said or her role in it. (It's a two-headed problem.)

Anyway, he was trying to go about the process of seeking out a divorce without her finding out about me. He wanted to spare her heartache and pain because in his heart of hearts, the soon-to-be divorce isn't about me, but about them.

But because she wasn't getting it, he had to come on more strongly with his protestations and that made her suspicious. She did a bit of digging and she found out about me.

So last night, without warning she called me and asked to have a conversation with me. I agreed because after finding out she knew, I wanted to know just what she knew, what he told her etc. Especially since she disclosed to me that she was intimate with him the night before. (Something he told me he hadn't been.)

She spewed a bunch of words telling me that she doesn't like me and thinks I'm immoral. And went on to disclose a lot of negative things about him and his past behavior and some of his patterns of deceit. She said she just wanted me to know what I'm dealing with. I didn't know what to say because EVERYTHING, except the intimacy part, I already knew because he had told me. I didn't want to further hurt her by letting her know just how emotionally intimate we had become. After she finished telling me all of this, telling me he was a liar and a coward, she asked me if there was anything I wanted to say, or if I had any questions. I said I did not have anything to say, and went on my merry way. About an hour later, she called me again, and left a voicemail offering to have a conversation sooner, rather than later if I should have any questions. Again, I don't because while she thinks she gave me a revelation about him, in reality, everything she disclosed I knew already from his own mouth, along with his insights, his feelings and how he has grown from the experience. (Much of which was years ago.)

SO HERE IS MY QUESTION.

I have considered texting her and saying something like, "I realize that you have contacted me and want to hear what I have to say as a part of closure for you, but, I don't feel that it will do any good for you, and I do not wish to hurt you any more than you have been hurt".

Is that the right decision or should I open up dialog?

I really do believe that if she understood the depths of our relationship at this point, it would hurt her even more than she was hurt now. After reading BS board, I also know that full disclosure on my side will not help her heal. I have read BS say that it wasn't helpful to them.

I have a part II, but the subject is very different so I will put it in a different message.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 9:52am

WOW, im very sorry you had to experience this.

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 1:07pm

Yikes!

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 2:07pm

I'm with the others. I would not contact her at all.

TanZa2920
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 3:59pm
i totally agree tanza

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 8:10pm

I agree with tyger, AE and tanza. I would stay away from her. You went to see her and you listened and put up with her calling you names, etc. It really would do no one any good to see her again. If you could avoid it, don't even answer an e-mail or text or ANYTHING. Block her number if you can.




Edited 7/18/2010 8:12 pm ET by cl-lexione

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 11:33pm

i agree with the rest.. you mean well, but this is a perfect case of "road to hell is paved with good intentions" case.. no good will come out of further contact, and likely something worse can happen.. best to leave things to the two of them to sort out.. and keep as far away as you can..

good luck..

--

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 5:57am

I agree.


One of my fave sayings (and it doesnt apply in all cases but does here)


Least said - best mended

You are what you consistently do
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2009
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 10:50am

I totally agree with everyone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 1:32pm
I agree with everyone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 6:36am

Oh so much has happened in such a short time.

He said he had been ambushed by the whole thing, thus he did not have the ability to warn me what was happening.

At the time, he told me he was glad the secrets and the lies were finally over. He was afraid, almost hysterical with the idea that he would lose his kids. Obsessive. I told him to calm down and to see a lawyer Monday morning.

I knew we would not speak on Sunday, but Monday was a big surprise.

Monday his entire attitude changed. He no longer wants to speak with me. He decided that there is something very wrong with him for hurting two people he cares about so deeply. That he has a pattern about this, particularly of lying. (Although he had been pretty honest with me, I believe.) That he has a pattern of disconnecting himself from feeling things while in the process of hurting and hurting others. (This he does and I told him he needs help and should work that out.)

So he decided, so he says, that he's going to get help because if he doesn't he is no good to me or anyone else. While doing this, he wants me out of the picture so that I am not longer waiting for him, and he doesn't hurt me anymore.

I was taken aback and wanted to know if she had suddenly changed her mind and wants him back. He said that he doesn't know what she is going to do, whether he is moving out or not, or when, or if they very well may have a bitter drawn out custody battle.

So I look at him and I say to him that he is doing this because he is a coward. She got to him and is manipulating the situation. I don't have his kids as leverage.

He also said that all of his observations about her over the past three years were completely off base and that he got it all wrong. I know he has communication issues, but I don't believe someone's perception could be all that off. And everything he said he needed from a relationship, well she could change to some degree, but to get what he really wants and needs, she would have to change who she is from the very foundation.

I told him that he is reconciling with her and that I'm very shocked and hurt. He says that is not what is happening in his household at all.

And I cried and begged and said if he is telling the truth, then why cut me off? I have just as much right to chip at him as she does. May the best woman win. He says it isn't like that and he genuinely wants to figure out why he has done what he has done (repeatedly) so that he can be a good partner to me, to her or to anyone.

I almost had him. I could see him cracking. But the difference between she and I, is that my time with him is limited. I can't spend 4 hour stretches working away logically at him. She can. I had an hour at best.

He says it may not be permanent, that he just doesn't know what will be revealed in therapy. But I'm so very skeptical at this point. I'm very, very broken hearted.

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