D day came, she confronted me, now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
D day came, she confronted me, now what?
20
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 9:38am

So D-day finally arrived!

AP had been trying to discuss the marital issues, the utter lack of compatibility with his wife for some time. Due to the way she views the world, and conversations, and a his way, which isn't the most direct way to communicate, she just wasn't accepting that he did not want to be in the marriage anymore.

He does not communicate well when it comes to his emotions and it has taken me years to unpeel the walls that he puts up, even to himself, so I know he didn't do a great job communicating with her. I also know that she is a bit hard-headed and doesn't understand the gravity of what is being said or her role in it. (It's a two-headed problem.)

Anyway, he was trying to go about the process of seeking out a divorce without her finding out about me. He wanted to spare her heartache and pain because in his heart of hearts, the soon-to-be divorce isn't about me, but about them.

But because she wasn't getting it, he had to come on more strongly with his protestations and that made her suspicious. She did a bit of digging and she found out about me.

So last night, without warning she called me and asked to have a conversation with me. I agreed because after finding out she knew, I wanted to know just what she knew, what he told her etc. Especially since she disclosed to me that she was intimate with him the night before. (Something he told me he hadn't been.)

She spewed a bunch of words telling me that she doesn't like me and thinks I'm immoral. And went on to disclose a lot of negative things about him and his past behavior and some of his patterns of deceit. She said she just wanted me to know what I'm dealing with. I didn't know what to say because EVERYTHING, except the intimacy part, I already knew because he had told me. I didn't want to further hurt her by letting her know just how emotionally intimate we had become. After she finished telling me all of this, telling me he was a liar and a coward, she asked me if there was anything I wanted to say, or if I had any questions. I said I did not have anything to say, and went on my merry way. About an hour later, she called me again, and left a voicemail offering to have a conversation sooner, rather than later if I should have any questions. Again, I don't because while she thinks she gave me a revelation about him, in reality, everything she disclosed I knew already from his own mouth, along with his insights, his feelings and how he has grown from the experience. (Much of which was years ago.)

SO HERE IS MY QUESTION.

I have considered texting her and saying something like, "I realize that you have contacted me and want to hear what I have to say as a part of closure for you, but, I don't feel that it will do any good for you, and I do not wish to hurt you any more than you have been hurt".

Is that the right decision or should I open up dialog?

I really do believe that if she understood the depths of our relationship at this point, it would hurt her even more than she was hurt now. After reading BS board, I also know that full disclosure on my side will not help her heal. I have read BS say that it wasn't helpful to them.

I have a part II, but the subject is very different so I will put it in a different message.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 4:31pm
...the rubber has hit the road...and, you've found out where you stand after all...I know you're hurt, but I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to move forward and build a life around you and find someone who can devote themselves to you...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 7:21pm

I'm so sorry goddess; many ((((hugs)))) to you.

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2010
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 1:05am

I'm so, so sorry goddess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 7:13am
I'm sorry goddess. I know you're hurting. Be kind to yourself - pamper yourself a little - treat yourself like you would treat a very best friend going through a crises. Many (((HUGS))) sweetie. ♥

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Sat, 07-24-2010 - 8:36am

It seems, that things are not what they seem. He hasn't confided in me what is really going on, but I picked up that there is more going on that he is willing to reveal to me at this time. I picked up on it when he wore my favorite shirt to a meeting he KNEW I would be at. That was deliberate, I'm sure.

I said a few words to him afterward, and that was enough for me to know this. (I know him very well). He's holding his cards very close to his chest and there is something there that remains to be seen.

Either way, I'm not going to probe to find out. I'm done with this. I gave him my goodbyes. He was taken aback that I did that, but he really gave me no other choice. He thought I was being negative.... as if being optimistic about his promises brought me down a good road before? DUH! I told him, "I have to live my life as if you are not coming back. If that changes, great, otherwise, have a nice life."

I am hurting, more than one can imagine. And I was absolutely falling apart. Then I clicked and decided I must pull it together, for the sake of my child who is young, and who has a lot of synergistic empathy with me. She needs me to be sound, so I am doing it for her.

If it is meant to be in the future, it will be up to him to pull his life together and do what needs to be done. I won't take him back as his mistress. But I might take him back if we are both available. I won't dwell on that. I'm moving on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2005
Sat, 07-24-2010 - 9:24am

Hi,


It's been a while since I posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010
Sat, 07-24-2010 - 10:33am

Nothing I can say...just sending lots of ((HUGS)) your way. Sounds like you know exactly what you need to do, and doing a fine job under the circumstances of moving forward. More ((HUGS)) because I know you need some in reserve for those moments that hit out of nowhere when you think you're OK...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Sat, 07-24-2010 - 11:51am

Yes, I understand that. Nothing hurts me more than letting go but I must.

I think he us already feeling remorse for chiding chosing her over me. But I also think he would feel the same if the situation was reversed.

If he is going to come back to me, I will feel confident that he will be comfortable in his choice because right now, I know he is truly torn.

One of the themes of our many emails back was that my life was in on hold waiting for him to work this all out. He made it clear that he no longer wants me to do that.

In the meantime, I'm moving on with my life. I almost have a date set up. I won't get deeply involved. It's too soon. Just a distraction.

I don't worry about being branded 2nd choice because life is mire more complicated than that. I'm pretty confident that he would have chosen me if it weren't for the kids. What the future holds, no one knows.




Edited 7/24/2010 2:02 pm ET by goddess_artemis
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2010
Sat, 07-24-2010 - 12:55pm

I'm so very sorry goddess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Sat, 07-24-2010 - 2:05pm
Good luck to you. I don't have the luxury of NC. We work together on the same team. We have near daily interaction. It's much harder. And yes, I don't know if it's good-bye forever or not. I do know that I must live my life as if it is.

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