D DAY??? *long*

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2008
D DAY??? *long*
10
Sat, 12-20-2008 - 9:40pm

Hi Everyone,

I have been MIA for a few months - use to be Ariesgemini76 - I have been away getting my D finalized and my kids settled. To recap my D was not due to my A. As for AP our R is strong and very real. We have been in a EA for 2 years and a PA for 6 months...just taking things one day at a time...To get into our current crisis...

Last night was our holiday party and we knew it would be hard. I didnt take a date he took his W. We behaved and spent minimum time together. It was one of the hardest things I have gotten through. He left early and didnt look all that happy, I was staying at the hotel. I got a good morning text first thing this morning. I was home with the kids about noon just in time for AP to call. I answered and we chatted about this and that for a bit and then he asked how the rest of the party turned out and I started babbling...He suddenly interrupted me - told me he left angry because W made some unkind comments about me, and they had fought all night and this morning. Not about me completely, I was just the catalyst into the big our marriage is in crisis fight.

His W asked him what is going on between us; he answered that he cares for me very much and I am one of his best friends. I noted that he omitted the A...but said nothing because we were in the middle of talking feelings out not throwing tantrums. I have learned there is a time and place. We talk about next steps and where he saw this fight going...he left it as its a work in progress, we hung up shortly after that with a few sweet things and ILU's. I was worried but ok until he called about half hour later...we talked for 2 minutes...he started with "W may be calling you I didnt want you to be caught off guard" I freaked out. Apparently his W wont let go that we are having an A - which of course we are - and apparently she wants to confront me. Then I asked him what he wanted me to do or say...he told me to lie. This really threw me, he had always said that if she asked he wouldnt lie, and then he did. When I asked him why he said "I am not going to throw my M away on an A, if its over its because of our issues not because of you, maybe not, maybe it will just blow over, I dont know" then he had to go again I got more ILU's and that was it.

I have jumped every time the phone rings, I know she has my number (long story), and I also know she is the type of woman that would call...she hasnt yet. Sooo after all of that...I am still baffled by it all. I cant believe he asked me to lie I cant believe that he lied, I have no idea what he is thinking or what he plans to do. His comment keeps playing in my head, not going to throw his M away...seriously how would you take that? On the other hand I understand what he means by the M being over because of their issues, he wants his M to end because of him and his W, mostly because he doesnt want the aftermath to touch me - I get it I just feel less right now, like I am just another girl and its just sex. What would you do with the "just blowing over" comment? What would you guys do with any of it??? I think if he lets this "just blow over" and he stays with his W I am done. I will have to walk away...I also know I absolutely dont want to!

A.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Sat, 12-20-2008 - 10:30pm




They will ALWAYs throw you under the bus. Men are not known to be truthful beings by any stretch and they will do whatvever they need to do to cover their behinds...they are afraid of the truth, the finanaces it would cost them, etc. and they have a sense of entitlement. They can do whatever they want to as long as they are not caught...and WHEN they are caught, they will lie through their teeth. He wants you to lie to cover his behind. I guess if you lie for him, you will be that much more endeared to him, but is that worth it to you?


I am sorry for your pain in this, I hope things smooth out...




iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
Sun, 12-21-2008 - 3:40am
I guess the part that I REALLY don't like is the "I'm not going to throw my M away over an A...." meaning, to me, that the affair is definitely backseat...which is kind of the definition of A, don't get me wrong, I know that, but it sounds like you guys were kind of standing the test of time. Then the "I love you's...." after he asks you to lie about you to save his M? I don't get it. D day doesn't sound like any fun to me, but I can tell you this...I am so unhappy in my M that if D day came, I would come clean. Sorry....sending ((hugs))...and you are definitely right...if he lets this 'blow over' and stays with her, you MUST go, or you will hate yourself. This is his out, and you know it. He decides right now, and his decision will speak volumes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
Sun, 12-21-2008 - 9:46am

" "I am not going to throw my M away on an A " This says it all as to where he is in regards to you and him.Sorry to put it this way but he threw you like a fly from a cup of milk!! ILU's mean that he is bribing you into telling lies to the W and later continue having sex with you because he said ILU.

I have read sooo many times on this board about a Dday happening but how it is handled is the underlying factor.Those who run and throw you under the bus are no relationship material as they were never serious else they would have stood by you through thick and thin and taken their share of responsibility.You may want to dump him ( very hard as these R are addictive in nature)but he will come around wagging his tail later when he realizes that his ego has been bruised .He will beg,he will ask for forgiveness and try to win you back but i guess he had a chance to prove his 'love' ( ?? ) and failed.he will come with a better plan.you need to keep your eyes and ears open!!

I am sorry for you but i guess you are lucky to have not gone into any serious R with him as you dont wont to be with a coward.Take a chill pill and if you know his W's number, get it blocked asap or change your number asap or divert your calls to some unknown number.

take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2008
Sun, 12-21-2008 - 9:56am

He's buying more time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2008
Sun, 12-21-2008 - 11:15am

Thats what I am afraid of! I am afraid that if he stays with his W and I stay with him in the A - despite all the things said before - that he will think its enough and will start playing games. That all the ILU's (more than anything else), when he asked for time to deal with his kids and I gave it to him meant nothing...he has always said he doesnt stay for her he stays for his kids...well damn prove it!!

A.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
Mon, 12-22-2008 - 2:06am

I cannot say this strongly enough...he gave you the answer to your question.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
Mon, 12-22-2008 - 7:04am
Airforcebrat is on key...and the last paragraph is invaluable. Leaving someone (ending affair) so that you can move on is so hard and painful....but even more difficult and painful is unreciprocated love. She is so, so right.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Mon, 12-22-2008 - 9:40am

A,


Although I do not have the BTDT of some of the other posters,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Mon, 12-22-2008 - 4:02pm

I would take it for exactly what it was. He has basically told you that his marriage is more important to him than his affair. He may have lied to her, but I believe he is telling the truth to you. I'm sure this goes against everything he has said, every sweet nothing he has whispered in your ear, but that's how it usually is with these things. They lie to get what they want. With you, it has been to maintain the affair. With her, it's to keep the marriage and her. There really is no more than that.

Don't take this personally. Believe me, the man I had an affair with's wife was about as horrible a wife as there possibly can be. Oh how he bemoaned the marriage and his misery. And he wasn't lying about her. I know her. I know that everything he said was the truth. However, here it is three years later, and he's still married to her. Not with me anymore...thank God! I shudder to think what my life would be if I was with him now. Ick. My point is that I know there is no way under the sun his wife is worse than this one. So, I'm not at all surprised that he would choose her, and I don't know any of you.

I would take this tidbit of information and run with it. Because you can rest assured that he will come back and try to ablibi it all away. But I really, really, REALLY wouldn't listen to him.

As for him lying to her and asking you to lie, well...I would do it. Do you REALLY want all of this attention and hassle? Really?

I am curious as to why she would be suspicious of you in the first place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2007
Mon, 12-22-2008 - 4:40pm

My affair story goes along the line of numerous d-days and multiple lies told (not saying that as a badge of honor).