d day of sorts

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
d day of sorts
7
Thu, 05-21-2009 - 3:00pm
when I got home from clinicals last night (full time nursing student) my h asked me straight up if I was having sex with my om. I said no. I was shocked, he didn't beat around the bush, he didn't even give me a chance to sit down. Apparently, he called om and asked him and om said yes. They chatted some. OM said that this started after LS was filed, told him that I'm lousy in bed, told him that he loves to hug and snuggle with me, volunteered that I left school on my birthday to see him. wow, I'm still stunned. I can't believe om said any of that, but it all sounds like stuff he'd say. of course, I denied pa and will continue to deny pa. our A is mostly EA, mostly. So, h of course, doesn't believe me at all, he believes om. He wants me to cease all contact with om. He now desperately wants to go to mc. BTW, he was supposed to set up mc 4+ months ago and didn't do it. He had 1 lame excuse after another for not doing it. Now, he's emailed me a name and number of someone to set up with. I told him that I'm not willing to change counselors now (I've been seeing someone for 6 or 7 weeks now) but that I'll schedule next week at a time when he can be there. But, I'm not sure I wanna work things out with h. I'm not in love with him, I just feel guilty because he's hurt, because I hurt him. I just don't know what to do. I feel so lost and empty and hopeless today.
Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: momtb4
Fri, 05-22-2009 - 1:15pm

I haven't heard from om since Wednesday night. I'm still so sad and so hurt and overwhelmed. I wish I knew why he did what he did. But, if I can't talk to him, I can't learn that info, so that leaves me making assumptions.

But, with NC, my head is much clearer, and I'm discovering that I'm still not in love with my h.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
In reply to: momtb4
Fri, 05-22-2009 - 1:24pm

how did your H find out your AP's contact no.?

Your AP has thrown it in your face,sorry! Why would you even want to be contact with him to find answers when he has clearly told all to your H.He has thrown you under the bus and himself gone running for his life.Is OM M?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2009
In reply to: momtb4
Fri, 05-22-2009 - 2:21pm

Is it possible he was hoping you would leave your H if he told?


The only other thought I might have is that my H would lie and say my AP had told him we had done or said something, but I held to my belief that AP wouldn't have told on me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
In reply to: momtb4
Fri, 05-22-2009 - 2:36pm
Your M couldn't be THAT bad to take this sort of treatment from a MM. Come on?? Pull yourself together and stop letting him disrespect you. You deserve better. This man will do ANYTHING even hurt you to save his butt. Empower yourself and start loving yourself to say enough abuse already. I say dumb them both work on loving yourself more and find someone who really loves and respects you.
Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: momtb4
Fri, 05-22-2009 - 3:51pm

fgp,

my OM is a friend that my family knows. He's spent a considerable amount of time with my family, in my home, with my h, with my children. He knows my parents, he's attended church with us. This A wasn't supposed to happen. So, for my h to have OMs number is just sort of natural. They have gone and done things together. I brought OM home because they both needed a friend and they seemed like they would get along.

I don't know that he necessarily threw me under the bus. He's told me repeatedly that he doesn't lie (and proven before that it's true) and he values truth. It's bothered him in the past when I've lied to h in front of om.

Om is in the process of getting divorced, things are dragging out because of the xw. This was filed a year before I met him, I've seen the paper work. I've met the xw and the kids.

I just want to hear his side of the story, to know what he was thinking.

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: momtb4
Fri, 05-22-2009 - 3:58pm

btrue,

I think it's very possible that om was thinking that if he told h this that would be the end of our m. He knows I'm in emotional pain in my marriage and may have been trying to expedite things for me. I also know they actually did talk. om told me they talked, he didn't get a chance to tell me what about. And, h called om while we were sitting here and wanted to know why om said we did and I said we didn't and om said "talk to her about it" 3 times and then hung up. The things that h said that om told him sounded like things that om would say and not things h would say.

The alternative explanation I have is that om told h to end our A because he's hated from the beginning that it's an A, he hates the lying and deceit (I do too!). We've both tried to end it before and just didn't have the sticking power.

The 3rd explanation I thought of is that om wants me to show my true colors and see if this would make me run back to h or over to om. I can't imagine that om would test me like that, since in the time I've known him, I've not seen him playing any games with anyone, even when he had the opportunity, he's been fair, so this explanation is the least likely.

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: momtb4
Fri, 05-22-2009 - 4:03pm

myrasfriend,

first, my om isn't mm. He certainly doesn't abuse me nor has he ever treated me badly. That is probably why this whole thing hurts as much as it does and I deserve an explanation.

I believe both of these men love me. My H just doesn't know how and hasn't wanted to or been able to work on it. My OM loves me greatly and wants me for himself but can't have me because I'm a MW.

I am working on myself and it's been quite a learning journey, to say the least! My counselor was a little surprised when I went in with a game plan in my head and didn't let her control the session like I normally do. We have been working on another (related) issue, but I had to work through this issue with her today and start on it right away.

I've got to wonder now, having had an A, how can anyone respect me? for me, this is an unrespectable behavior.