D-day story (very very very long)
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| Sun, 12-20-2009 - 4:49pm |
I'm a mom of 6 kids, and my husband has recovered from my 2 previous affairs 10 years ago. He had been absent, preoccupied, busy with his hobbies and not present, and had not responded to my pleading and letters of heartfelt desire to be his first priority. In anger, I reached out to another man to fill the need for a friend and a lover. I've been sleeping with my neighbor for 4 months.
So my husband noticed over the last number of weeks that I had a death grip on my phone. I was constantly clearing texts, but I didn't dare just set it down. I told him it was because I kept it on vibe so the ringing didn't irritate him (which it always did--he hates that my phone "rings incessantly"). He got suspicious, and confided in his roommate (he works out of town during the week), and his roommate had a similar experience with his wife where there was a text-trail that gave her away. He recommended that "where there's smoke, there's fire" and advised my husband to pull the records.
I lied and told him there was nothing at all he would find, hoping he'd give up. I gave him the password to the account online, knowing the records there were not full detail. But he went to the store and they just handed them over--even though the phone isn't in his name. I guess at Christmastime when a poor guy comes in to say his wife is cheating and he needs to clear it up, they help a guy out. So don't rely on that to protect your phone records.
So for the last 2 weeks he has monitored my phone usage. I have engaged in a thousand-text-a-month habit with my AP. This included 60+ pic texts, some of which were of a nature that broke my husband's heart. The contents of texts and pic texts are not available through the records, but there is no other explanation for pic texts than the obvious.
He paid $5 to find out the owner of the phone online. APs name isn't on the phone, so he didn't know at first that it was him. He called and told AP he knew, and AP played dumb, pretended to be the other guy, and made up a flimsy story. AP called me, freaking out, and I assured him that my husband would NEVER tell his wife, and even though my life was officially blown wide open, his would never be. I could tell he didn't believe me.
My husband then called me to tell me he had spoken to the guy, and I was relieved that he hadn't figured out who it is, so I made up another story of who it was. At the end of the call, my husband said, "You know, funny thing is, the guy sounds exactly like {neighbor}. Isn't that a coincidence?" I knew I was busted. My husband asked me to text him that it was over, and I told him I didn't know if I wanted to, so he said he would drive home from work that moment. I called AP to tell him that there was no doubt that my husband knew who it was. He was a mess, and told me there was no way we could ever speak again. I agreed, but didn't want to agree. But what do you say in that moment?
My husband drove the 4 hours home, and during the drive, I was talking to him, and AP called in. He had texted AP "Tell {wife's name} "hi" from me." AP knew he was found out, and called. Then my husband did something extraordinary, but something I knew he would do: he told AP that he was not ever going to speak of this with anyone, and that he would never tell his wife or anyone, so as to preserve his family. AP apologized (of course), and my husband said, "It's one thing to apologize when you get caught, it's another thing to ask for forgiveness." AP asked him to please forgive him, and that was that.
This weekend was the best, hardest, most important weekend of my marriage. My husband cried, I cried, and we went through the normal range of heartbreak, sadness and remorse that first day. He wanted to know how far it had gone, and it was the hardest thing I had to do, but I told him everything. The texts, pictures, sex, every detail. He was shocked, hurt, devastated, and horrified. I asked for forgiveness, and he told me that my brutal honesty was the only way he could forgive me, but he didn't know where that would go after he forgave.
My husband also suggested that he thought AP was in love with me. I hadn't considered this, because we had agreed that this was all fun and not about that. His rationale was that, "No man has ever spent that much time with you and been that intimate with you and NOT fallen in love with you." He also said that AP will never forget me, and may never be able to fix his marriage, because if I had the same effect on AP as I had on him, his life will never be the same. Husbands say things like that, but it got me thinking that maybe he had a point.
The second day, he got angry. He called me names, told me he could never make this work. The third day, yesterday, he came to me with a request that I be completely transparent with him about how I feel about him. This is when our marriage suddenly changed.
I told him that this man met my need for conversation, for jokes and lighthearted banter, for freedom from criticism, and that he made me feel relaxed and alive again. I told him it started as friends, moved to flirting, and then ended up with us meeting and having sex. I told him the sex was great because of the light and fun nature of our relationship--which I do NOT have with my husband, who is anxious, serious and depressed a lot of the time. I told him that I missed the texting, the ribbing and teasing, the fact that he wanted to talk to me on his way to and from work, and that he treated me like a woman--didn't parent and control me like my husband now sees he did.
We were both amazed by the honesty. He said he felt so much more honored as a human being for me to admit my feelings than when I was lying and sneaking. he told me he loves me, and that he will always provide for me and the kids, that he will always come home at the end of the work week, but that he knows that he can't be my dad, my boss, or my gatekeeper. He gave me permission to take the next step, and only requested that I be honest with him.
I said I wanted to have a conversation with AP. I told him I didn't know our last conversation was going to be our LAST conversation, and at the very least, I wanted to reassure him that he didn't destroy our marriage or ruin our kids' lives. I wanted to apologize for not respecting him & his family enough to stop sooner--or never start. I wanted us both to have closure. And my husband said that if that's not what we decide, he would not demand that I do anything that wasn't on my terms.
I'm kind of shocked, but I feel like we've been more honest with each other in the last 3 days than we've been in the last 3 years. He wanted to know where I feel like my needs aren't being met, and what I want in every area of our marriage, including in bed. He correctly assumed that I'm kind of bored with our sex life, and wanting more excitement. He said he loves me enough that if I have to continue to experience that with AP, he would let me experience life and stand by me and the family as the protector and provider. It is an extraordinarily generous thing he has done to give me full permission to express myself without judging or condemning me. And even though I am so torn about continuing the A, he has given me the space to make my choices on my own terms. He has given me the room own my choices and own my consequences. And though we are both clear that he didn't "ask for this" or "deserve this," he has been willing to accept that he owns the absent, preoccupied and unresponsive behavior that led me to seek other ways to have my needs met. And I own the fact that my choices hurt others, and jeopardized another family, and a lot of children.
My head is so clear. I have so much respect for my husband, and so much healing has take place because of this. And now I have the choice to call AP or not, and to meet or not, and to end it or not, all in my time and on my terms. I doubt AP will take my calls or texts, but my husband has agreed to call AP and let him know that he knows and supports my call and intention to have at least one more conversation with AP. I think AP is freaked out and shaken by the close call he thinks he had (I know my husband well enough to know that no one will know that doesn't know already), and I think that even if my husband lets him know it's OK for us to speak, he probably wouldn't be able to handle it, at least not now. It's Christmas week, and I may wait until the first of the year to call, but at the same time, I don't want his Christmas spent with thoughts running through his head that our family's Christmas was ruined by this--because I feel closer to my husband right now than I have in years.
Thanks for listening, and I just hope this gave something of value to someone else. And any advice or feedback is welcome. Thanks again.

Thank you for sharing your story.
I called xAP today. I told him that my husband knows pretty much everything, and that we will be OK. I asked if he was going to be OK, and he said he had to fix things in his marriage, but that his wife has no idea, and he's not telling her. He said he was sorry for the way things went. He asked a couple more times, "Are you sure you guys are going to be ok?" and I assured him that after 16 years, we've got what it takes to get through this. He still sounded stunned. I did tell him that I would never forget it, and he agreed, but I also made it clear that I can't imagine seeing him anywhere. He assured me he would not be seen at neighborhood parties and stuff anymore, and that seems best, because I am not far enough out of this not to feel that longing, that tug to him. And I told my husband this, and I feel complete with it. I know that even if I wanted to, there is nothing that would happen between me and xAP again. Ever. Which makes it so I don't really want it anymore.
I just really miss him. And I'll get over it. But right now, I miss him.
I'll still pop in and lurk here, but it seems the EAS board is more where I belong now.
I wish you all the best.