De-lurking and saying hello

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2003
De-lurking and saying hello
10
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 6:28pm
Hi everyone -

After a couple months of lurking (and picking up some GREAT advice) I just wanted to say hello. I have started (began?,initiated?, not sure of the "proper term" there) my 1st A 3 months ago and have found that while there are benefits, there are definitely disadvantages...feeling kind of alone right now. So, thanks to all of you, even though you had no idea you were helping!!! ;-)

Quick question - I started this whole thing with OM as a non-pressure, non-commital type of thing and at the time I truly thought that is what I wanted and could handle(I am married, he is not). He is a great friend, kinda like a FWB!! Not so sure now, feel like I may want more, and I'm not even sure what more I want. Talking more, being together more, I guess that is what I mean. He doesn't, I am fairly certain. Take what I can get and keep things the way they are?? Or end it before I get more involved so to speak.

Very confusing times right now...this board has definitely preserved my sanity on more than one occasion!!! Thank you.

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 10:51am
Hi mysecret,

I think it is normal that your feelings are evolving and you want to spend more quality time with OM...and the longer this goes on, the more the feelings will take over (if they haven't already!! lol)

What did you mean when you wrote "He doesn't, I am fairly certain." --he doesn't what? --want to take the A to the next level? -- want to be tied down to you?

You probably aren't going anywhere anytime soon, but OM is single, and he may be looking ahead and having an R with you may not be ideal...

If I were you, I would give him some more time...you haven't been together that long and it might be awkward to discuss your expectations/feelings for one another...Has he given you any indication that he is worried about the situation/wants to change it?

But you should know that your feelings will intensify as time goes on (if you have been reading the board, I doubt that is news to you). Before they do, you can think about what it is you want from OM -- how 'serious' will you allow this to get? -- if this continues, would you be ok when he dates other women?

Also, do you want to work on your M? You didn't mention your H, but I think it is important to look at your M before you become emotionally overwrought by OM...

Hugs to you,

Alameda

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 1:17pm
Hi Alameda -

You made some excellent points...I guess I wasn't real clear about the situation but he does have a SO, so he isn't quite single. You are also correct in that it hasn't been that long. I guess I may be jumping the gun quite a bit :-)

As for my H and M, both need work (LOL)!!! My H is very emotionally abusive (even though he will tell you he isn't), very condescending, critical of everything (my weight, appearance, the way I take care of the kids, clean the house, I think you may be getting the picture here). I take care of myself, my weight falls into the normal range for my height, I work full time in addition to being the sole person responsible for everything in terms of the upkeep of the house.

All of this is what led me into the A. I'm not making excuses...I'm fully aware that I am responsible for my own actions. But to hear someone say they find you attractive, fun, easy to be around is a very nice change from the norm. For the 1st time in years (before the A even started) I began to regain the confidence and self-esteem that gradually got eroded away over the years. To feel appreciated again was a very big "high", made me feel good all over ;-)

We haven't discussed the next level, any levels for that matter!! It is a take it as it comes R right now. As for indications he wants to see something change, he hasn't said anything like that, just feeling that way. And it is because of a really stupid reason...we haven't talked much this week (we usually talk ALOT). It was very busy for us both at our respective jobs - and from reading other posts I see this is a common problem!! I guess I'm just being silly.

Thanks for letting me vent, and sorry this is so long. This is the 1st I have spoken of A to anyone (also heeding the advice of posts I read prior) and it feels good letting some of this out.

Have a wonderful weekend-

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 9:38pm
Mysecret,

Hmmm...it's saturday night and I am packing up my apartment for my upcoming move...so exciting...lol!!

Sometimes the best thing is to just work out our thoughts...it doesn't mean you have to make any grand decisions, but I think it is good to use the board that way, you know?

As far as your H goes (clearly what caught my attention in your post) -- do you want to stay in your M? Can he change? Would he go to couples counseling with you?

Because escaping your everyday with an OM will not change your everyday -- do you get me?

Enjoy OM, yes, but don't think that he can erase the rest of your life...

Do you want to be married to this man forever? Even if there are good days, I'm sorry, but I would not be able to survive through years of those bad days...

Sometimes life isn't fair -- it isn't fair to you right now, and whatever you decide in the future, it may not seem fair to others...but so be it. Dont feel guilty for taking control of your life, happiness, and future.

Take care of yourself,

Alameda



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 10:30pm
Alameda -

Good luck on the upcoming move...lot's of work to be done, I'm sure!!!

Thanks again for the response. You are a very insightful person and heve really gotten me to thinking about ALL my situations, which I have to admit I was avoiding. I'm the classic "avoider", as the therapist pointed out during therapy with my H. So yes, we have tried that route. We had 2 hour sessions once a week for 3 months, he didn't hear any of it except what I was told I should work on. See, he didn't even want to go to therapy - he isn't the one with the problem, it's me. Or at least that is what he thinks!!

I hate to say this, but right now the only thing that is holding me in this M is the kids. Kinda a lame excuse, I know, but hopefully I will come to terms with everything and make the decision that is right for all of us.

You also hit the nail on the head when you said I may be using OM to erase the bad...I hadn't even thought of it that way but very true!! One more thing to think on this weekend - especially since I will be seeing him this week.

Have a great Sat night...even if it does involve packing ;-)

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2003
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 2:26pm
I know a single guy that I am interested in. We have been talking for almost 1 year. I have been thru his breakups, dates, and friends with benefits talks with him. I get so freaking jealous! He is younger than me, never been married. He doesn't live by me so we have talked about meeting to "do it", but knowing that it will more than likely be a one time thing, and knowing that we will always be friends. We know so much about each other, I think he knows more than my H. I guess the thing is don't expect much, just enjoy what you do have with him. In the meantime, he has gotten me so hot, that I sometimes I can't wait to go home to my H. Is that bad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 2:53pm
Hi K and welcome,

Our situations are very similar. I began my EMA a few months ago with a SM under similar circumstances. We were friends and for over a year have been fighting our mutual attraction and one night just couldn't take it anymore. We talked and took we'll see what happens approach that were FWB. I've been M for 10 years (this week actualy). The more we see each other either alone at his place or socially with all of our friends the more I want to be with him. We only talk a couple times a week, sometimes I see him 1-3 times other times not at all for the week. He is S and is Not in another R, however he isn't ready to be alone with me ie: lunch or movies, he says he's just thinking of me if someone saw us together, however since we are friends I could justify this.

The more were together the more intense it gets - I could see it in his eyes but we havn't really had a heart to heart talk yet.

I have often thought I wanted to end so neither of us gets hurt but I truly don't want to because he makes me very happy. Even when he calls me at work for a few minutes he makes my day. When we make love it's better than I ever experienced with my H and I never thought that it was too bad between me and H.

This confuses me even more.

He tells me what I want to hear ie: showers me w/. affirmations and compliments which H never gives me. When I get depressed I often wonder if he is telling me what I want for sex, but he is not like that.

Anyways I just wanted to share our similarities and say hello.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2003
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 9:08pm
Hi Slyone -

Thanks for the response. Going home to H all bothered is definitely not bad. That would be great....BUT my H is all about him (I'm sure everyone has been with someone like that at one point or another :-) But, truth be told, I am happy and I am taking this for what it is. An EMA. Nothing more, nothing less. I latched on to the happiness he has brought and thought it would be great to have that full-time. I'm beginning to think differently, as Alameda pointed out it is hard to keep perspective when you have bad things going on at home. I have been doing some soul-searching I guess.

I do appreciate hearing what other people are going through..it really helps me to get a handle on what I am feeling. I now know, I am not the only one going through interesting relationship issues!!

I hope that everything turns out the way that you want it to in the end with your friend. Even if you just end up staying friends, I'm thinking that isn't so bad. Good friends are hard to come by.

Take care-

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2003
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 12:27pm
Hi mysecret67!

Thanks for the response, I am new to the board and haven't talked much to anyone. I just knew that I needed to talk so I joined this board. I am lucky that my husband isn't so into himself but he does suffer from depression, disabled because of it, so I do get turned down alot when I am hot. Anyway, I like your point of view and like reading the other responses to your question. I have to say that recently I am drifting away from my single friend as a sexual relationship and just enjoying talking, I am finding out some things he is doing that I don't agree with. Unfortunately/fortunately I have found another man I have been friends with who recently we took our friendship to the next level. He is married and are lives are parrallel. I just don't know why I can't stay settled with my H but like I said, I think about if I was with someone else 24 hours a day, would it be any better? I look forward to talking to you more.

SLY

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2003
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 10:38pm
Hi idontknow -

Wow, very similar situations!!! Mine differs slightly in that we live in different states, however, I do see him quite often. Or used to, things are slowly changing in that area too. I want to hold onto what I am feeling, which on a whole, has been positive. But, not sure where everything will end up. I have known him for a year, the IC just started 3 months ago, and I feel he is such a good friend. I can talk to him about anything. I would miss that should it end and we can't at least stay friends :-(

Your comment about the compliments and affirmations is so true too!! I often wonder "Is he just saying that to get me into bed??" But then I remember, he already has so I guess not :-) It is just such a different R from what I have with H. I know that R's over time change, evolve, but mine with H just gets worse. Even with positive change on my part, everything I do is threatening to him. And no, he has no idea about the A. He has thought for years that I may have someone else because I don't show a whole lot of interest in him. But that is because I get so upset, disappointed and hurt by his comments and actions. I've tried explaining it, but I probably could have explained it to the rocks in my driveway and gotten more of a response!!

Thanks for saying hello - and good luck with your situation. I have to say one of the best things that has happened lately has been finding this board. Feels very good to talk things out with others in similar situations.

Have a great evening-

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2003
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 11:01pm
Hi slyone -

I know what you mean about being new, I had lurked for quite some time before posting. So far though, I have to say it's been great!! Everyone has great advice, plus I can't really talk to anyone about this. I don't think I would even if I thought I could, too much chance that someone would talk. That whole I tell one friend, and she just tells one friend, and so on. Too much risk for me :-)

I understand why you are questioning yourself. I'm doing the same thing, have been for quite some time. I say this A started 3 months ago, but in reality it started long before that. Having conversations that I probably shouldn't have been having with a member of the opposite sex, that kinda thing. At first I convinced myself it was just some harmless flirting, wasn't going to go anywhere. Boy, how wrong I was!! I am starting to realize though, that I don't think I would like OM 24x7. I'm beginning to think I am better off the way things are right now. Not saying I want it to end either, saw him last night and he is definitely making me happy in a couple areas that were lacking in my life :-)

I'm sorry about your friend, but sounds like for you that is the best thing. Especially if you don't agree with the things he is doing.

Now, you say next level with MM?? What level is that? I say though, if it makes you happy, go for it. I was reading a bunch of other posts tonight that deal with loving more than one person (I'm not to that level even with OM, just a very strong case of like, with a little (lot of?) lust thrown in for good measure :-) It got me to thinking, after reading these boards, talking with many people, that monagamy seems to be more the exception than the rule. I never thought I would be in this situation, and I'm not trying to justify, I know what I am doing is wrong. But, I feel good with him...most of the time. With H, I feel bad...most of the time. So I guess that is enough to keep me going!!

Slyone, feel free to e-mail me. It's mysecret672003@yahoo.com. I know, it's long, but can you believe mysecret67 was already taken?? Go figure :-)

Sorry for the rambling...I get carried away sometimes!! Have a great evening-

K