Dealing with being put on hold

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2009
Dealing with being put on hold
9
Wed, 02-25-2009 - 1:55pm

I posted here a couple of weeks ago - been having an A for 5 months now. We see each other once a month and have been initimate to some degree each time. I decided last week that maybe this wasn't the best thing for me because the communication is so sporatic and I was having a hard time dealing with that plus all the guilt, consequences etc. that come with an A (we are both married with a child). I tried to go NC for a week until I heard from him again this past week and of course, I was sucked back in by the romantic e-mails, him saying how much he wanted to get out and be with me (I think at that particular moment, not leaving his family) etc. etc. I guess I am not ready to let it go right now...we have this energy that I can't ignore but maybe its just the rose coloured glasses and the attention I

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Wed, 02-25-2009 - 2:38pm

Sounds to me like he's feeling down and low and just needs someone to stroke his ego. Wants to make sure to throw you some crumbs to keep you hanging but also don't want to make any commitment to see you or be with you anytime soon.

>>>" I am so scared that as more time passes, the energy between us will just naturally fizzle and he won't want to see me."<<<

Maybe it's a good thing to let it fizzle out. Where do you imagine this will all go anyway? Realistically, it's going nowhere. It might be a blessing in disguise that a wrench in thrown into your paths this way to give you both some time to think about the consequences.

Otherwise, I'd just chill for now and let him sort his situation out.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2009
Wed, 02-25-2009 - 3:05pm

I think your advice is good. I have been backing off sending him messages and now he is initiating more. I don't know if he keeps sending them to keep me hanging on "just in case". The more time that passes, the easier it is getting and the A seems more surreal to me. I have cried and cried more than I have enjoyed the happiness during these past 5 months. Its so hard to know where I stand with him, if he is being genuine, if he really cares about me.


I do believe though, even if he is going through a stressful time in his life, he could make some sort of an effort if he was really into me. There is always "a moment" to make contact, to find a way to get together for coffee. I am sure it will fizzle. The once a week e-mails (if they come) aren't enough to sustain this A and I feel like I am anxiously waiting to hear from him all the time, then I get mad when I don't and feel rejected. I think if I decide to move on at this point, I am going out on a high - feeling like he cared, he wanted me, he liked me for me and that it just wasn't our time. Its too bad, because we hung around like crazy 15 years ago every weekend and never paid attention to one another and I kind of felt this was another chance for us. Not meant to be...not as married adults anyway. Sigh....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Wed, 02-25-2009 - 3:37pm

your situation is something that i can really relate to and i know the pain all to well. 6 months ago my AP lost his job, well paying job, and 2 months later i lost mine, a well paying job. i know the devastation it causes and how it messes with your emotions, and so forth. we are both still unemployed, and how it wears on ones self esteem. everyday i'm out there looking. sure i could be working if i was willing to settle, but i'm not. the same with my AP.

He responded back kind of indirectly saying his car is off the road (he has two cars but one is his baby that he isn't using now), he is saving cash, his new cell is limited, his access to me if very limited now but maybe that is a good thing he says because he longs for me more and more (what does that mean?). He also said when we see each other again (but didn't say when), that it was going to be amazing -------this paragraph here i can relate to. after my AP lost his job, we didn't speak for 24 days. then finally he broke down and emailed me. it's true with losing a job. i know right now, i don't drive, don't spend money, and my AP wife, she's with him 5 days out of the week. we talk 2 times a week, sometimes 3. we didn't see each other in person for 3 months. 1) he didn't have a car, his wife is like me in the regards, my husband under any circumstances does not drive my car, and 2)we took time away from each other. he finally broke down and took me out. now we see each other about once every three weeks. what i'm saying is, the changes are painful, if both you guys want it, it will work itself out in the end. his access to you will be very limited right now. be patient.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2009
Wed, 02-25-2009 - 3:53pm

Tori. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. This was really insightful. I'm sorry for the hard times you are going through. I can't imagine how tough it must be.


Your experience makes me feel better about his frame of mind right now - I do know that I can't be a priority in his life right now and that he must be feeling very low, scared and

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Wed, 02-25-2009 - 4:11pm

thank you for your kind words. the job hunting is wearing on me. last week i went on one, she hires 2 other people. i said to my AP last night, i'm depressed and getting angry. what's wrong with me. the middle of march will be 4 months. for him will be 6 months. i know also i'm not settling and being very picky. my Ap is right when he says we are competing with 1000s of other people. i have another interview on tues, something i was against, but i'm willing to go and listen.

be patient. i would email my AP and keep in touch even if he didn't answer. in regards to your situation, it least you AP didn't disappear for 24 days like mine did. i was crushed. i couldn't begin to tell you the pain i went through. like i said our access on the phone and email, IM chat is limited. last night when i seen his email, and wanted to hear his voice, he wanted me to call, i went some place so i could call him. there was no way i was going to miss that opportunity to talk to him. it took almost 2 months for him to feel better enough to come around.

a man loosing his job, the money maker, having to take care of family, this is a crushing blow.

good luck to you, i wish your AP the best in his job search.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2009
Thu, 02-26-2009 - 8:47pm

I am wondering if I should e-mail him to keep the communication going - I am afraid its going to fizzle - I don't want it too. We have been in touch every week for 5 months. I guess I am scared that as more time passes, the memories will fade and I won't see him again. I don't want to look like I am pressuring him either and feel like a fool. He has been the one initiating the contact, saying he wants to see me when life gets back to normal but WHEN, WHEN. I can't wait forever.


I miss him...I don't want to lose him after finding him again after 15 years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Fri, 02-27-2009 - 7:35am

when my AP and i had nc for 24 days, i would send emails not telling him that i missed him or wanted to see him. when he lost his job i ran into people that worked with him, so i use to send him emails telling him what the people that use to work with him said about him, or the conversations i had with them. some where about where i use to work, or my every day life. some emails where long, and some short. i know he read them all. in 24 days i think i sent about 5 emails.

please remember you can't treat an affair like a real relationship. there will be times you can go a couple of weeks to 3 months to 6 months where you may not see one another. with an affair, it's built on patience. with my AP, i went 3 months before i seen him again. we still did talk during the week.

i would say email him. say something like hi, just checking in, keep it light.

normal for him might take quit a while.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2009
Fri, 02-27-2009 - 8:35am

Sigh...you are right. I hate not being able to see him but if thats the way it has to be, then I will just have to continue on with life and not wait. If it does end due to the

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Fri, 02-27-2009 - 10:13am
i felt like where you are right now 6 months ago. to get to the place where i am, it didn't come easy. like i said before when a man looses his job, especially being the soul provider, it's a crushing blow. take one day at a time and see what happens.