Dealing With The Guilt

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Dealing With The Guilt
10
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 11:46am
Hi all, It’s been a while since I’ve posted, and I am now because I am curious about something. See I am with a good man who loves me to death; he is completely devoted and has absolutely no clue what I’ve been up to and would be destroyed if he knew. I love him, but he has never I guess, set me on fire. Our sexlife is all right, though since my A started it’s definitely been less active. And he tries to give me everything I want. But he is a couple of years younger than me and still somewhat immature, he likes to kiss and cuddle and use cute baby talk but really I long for someone more powerful and articulate. Which I suppose is a large part of what drew me to my MM who is 20 years older than me, charismatic, experienced, eloquent and also very much in love with me. I always thought it would be so much more fun to have two men head over heels in love with me but it’s not as great as it sounds as many of you know all too well I’m sure.

I once recently tried breaking up with my BF but it hurt me terribly because I love him, and he was a complete and total wreck and now that we are still together he wants to do absolutely anything to make me happy. I tried to leave my A on numerous occasions but found myself desperately needing to talk to him and see him. Like I couldn’t breathe at the thought of him not in my life. I feel so lame saying this but it’s like I couldn’t take the pain of losing either of them. Is it really possible to love two different people? I mean they are both so completely different and fill such different needs in my life. I don’t want to break up with my BF because I do love him and I he’s so sweet I can’t stand the idea of breaking his heart. My MM won’t leave his wife for reasons I understand and accept, but I don’t know how to live without him anymore, the way he loves me and makes me feel. God it’s all really stressful isn’t it! Anyway the one thing that really gets me the most is the guilt. Knowing how broken my BF would be if he knew and knowing every time he looks at me with eyes filled with trust and devotion knowing that I am betraying that. How do the rest of you deal with those feelings? I think it would help me to know how others are handling it. Does it ever go away? Do you ever just reach a point of acceptance and become impervious to the guilt? Just curious.

Thanks everyone,

Mack

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 12:36pm
Hi,Mack... I'm a little edgy today, but I can really relate to your post and wanted to quickly respond. I've been able to seperate fairly well. I really love my husband, and he is devoted to (and dependent upon) me. I guess in some ways I view him more as my dependent than as my partner. He would be devastated if he knew that, but there you have it. The MM is for me alone. Because I need something to keep my head above water. I really think if I hadn't found something, it would have eventually caused my relationship with H to become completely unbearable. So while I'm probably just justifying myself, I do believe one is necessary for the other. You have to decide for yourself if you can handle (and maybe eventually let go of) the guilt. I think guilt is only valuable if it causes us to change behavior that is harmful. If it's not going to change your behavior, perhaps it's time to try and let it go and give yourself a break.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 12:36pm

hi mac and welcome back to the board!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 1:01pm
I'm so sorry to have been so absent, I think I may have been going throught some stages of denial. But congratulations on your new position I think you are perfect for it. It's really nice to talk to you again.

Mack

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 2:29pm
hey thanks mack for your kind words and i'm glad to see you are back and through your denial phase!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 3:46pm
You sure has heck can love two different people! i know my MM loves his W and me, and i can see why, because there are many ways where we are sooooooooooooooooooooo different!!!!

On the divorce board someone once posted that every love is different. And when i thought about it, i thuoght they were right. There are thigns about each "love" in our life that is different. so is it much more of a stretch to say you can experience two loves at the same time?

i vote for drop the guilt ;)

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 7:38pm
Oh, Mack, please listen to me and DON'T marry this boyfriend of yours, whatever you do. I know you don't have plans to at this point but trust me on this. I married a guy like the one you're talking about and I'm in your same situation now.

Women like us THINK we long for a man who smothers us with love and attention, treats us like a queen. But we really don't. The nice guys KILL us with their kindness and leave us feeling unsatisfied. We need the man that is not 100% emotionally available, the one who never gives us all that we need, who always leaves us wanting more. We want an older, more experienced man who can teach us things and bring us to life. But we know that we can't depend on those men for the long haul. We know we'll end up disappointed and hurt in the end, but we can't seem to stop ourselves.

You're in love with two men at once because they offset each other. The MM gives you the challenge that the BF can't and the BF gives you the dependability and stability that the MM can't. My H would be devastated if I left him...he'd never recover. He loves me more than life itself and he honestly would be crushed to lose me. He'd let me go gracefully if that's what would make me happy but he'd never be the same.

There are no simple answers, Mack, but just know that you aren't alone. I'm exactly (well sort of!) where you are. Eventually I hope the answers will come to us. I think for you you just need to go through this to figure out WHY you're going through this. In the end, you'll probably end up with neither of them. You'll find the person who satisfies 100% of your needs. Or maybe you'll be like some of the women I've met on here who have two men -- each who compliment each other -- and go on like that for years. But I do know if you marry this nice BF of yours, you'll regret it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 11:08pm
does anyone remember the song"Torn Between Two Lovers"...i think..maureen or mary mcgovern??? came out mid 70s
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 1:10pm
Lilah,

Thanks so much for all you said. It does truly make me feel better to know that there are other women like me who feel the way I do. I suppose it comforts me to know I am not crazy, or a bad person that this does happen to other women. I suppose some dyas all I need to know is that I'm not alone. Thanks again.

Mack

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Sat, 02-14-2004 - 9:07am
Mack, thats what this board is all about. Its here for women to know they are not alone. You can always find someone on here that is in your shoes or has been.

Mama

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Sun, 02-15-2004 - 3:38pm
Hi Mack,

I don't think you are crazy or a bad person necessarily (you do have enough morals to feel bad about cheating). I do think you are being pretty weak and selfish though. You care enough about your BF to not want to hurt him but you care about yourself even more in that you don't want to have to deal with the consequences of hurting him.

It would be much kinder in the long run to break it off with your BF. Sure he'll be hurt, but he will eventually get over you and move on. That's the way life works. You and he are dating, and dating is about spending time with one another to find out if you do indeed want to spend your life together and it sounds like you don't. It's time to let go, no matter how much it hurts.

In the long run, it's kinder for you to break up with him now so that he can be free to eventually find and love someone who will appreciate him for who he is.