dealing with m W

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
dealing with m W
23
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 10:01am
I'm trying to deal with my wife. Old news, I know.

She's being very nice to me, and once again I'm feeling really guilty. She begged me to spend any time with her this weekend since it was so long and lonely, so we went to a fair for a little while Saturday. When we were just being friends we got along very well, but when she started groping me and hanging on me... it got uncomfortable for both of us.

She spent Memorial Day alone, basically pining over me being gone. She called my mobile and left a message about missing me, knowing I was out with friends and having fun and that she hoped I was having a good day.

Earlier Monday I had talked to her and she expressed that she wished she was going along. When I pointed out that six months ago she would have twisted like a hanging man in a stiff breeze if I'd wanted us to spend a holidy with these friends, she tried to shrug it off as "they don't like me." Actually, it's that she's just so difficult for most people to deal with and she pretty well hates everyone so it was always stressful for all of the people in the room. And my friends are good people so it was very hard.

I feel really bad for her. I know it isn't really my fault she's alone; if she'd been listening to what I was saying to her the last six years or so she might not be. Instead she doesn't have any friends because her criteria is so demanding and she has to tell everyone how to do anything. She's alienated almost everyone except me (strangely enough) and we're separated. I wish I could still be friends and nothing more.

The problem I'm having is that I can't be friends with her. Well, I could, but when I try, she ends up making sexual overtures and generally being too much to deal with. The woman I couldn't drag to bed most times is looking for some comfort with me and I understand that, but she is getting *extremely* frustrated that I won't give in. I recognize that we need a divorce and maybe then it will take hold, and I'm dragging my feet trying to be too kind about this. And no, it isn't second thoughts; I spent a lot of time with my OW and her daughter this weekend and it was absolutely wonderful.

Does anyone else do this? I just find myself feeling so bad for her, wishing she was happy, wishing she'd have been happy more and maybe been as nice to me while I was still willing to try as she is now. I've been through this enough in my life to know that I'm idealizing my W when she's not around; that's when I feel the worst. Put me in a room with her and she's usually driving me insane in five minutes and I remember why I don't live there any more.

She says things like, "I want you to do what's best for you." But she doesn't mean it... does she? Is she looking for me to put a silver bullet in this relationship so she doesn't have to? Or is she just trying to trick me and make me think it would be my idea to come home?

rain

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 11:11am
I think that you know her better than anyone. You know she is weak right now and lonely.

She is expecting you to do what you always did through out your relationship. Give in and give her the quick fix she needs to make her feel better. Don't do it ! You have to stand firm . You know she will use you if you let her. You have worked hard to move on and she is still stuck in the past. Her dream of how things really were. You know that it takes years to grow apart as far as you are now . These things just don't happen overnight. You were ready for a new beginning or you wouldn't have looked for one. I am stuck right now in limbo . My MM has told his W everything. He has not called me. He told me to just let him get through this ! What am I suppose to do so I don't lose him forever? I want you to tell me ... Is it possible for him to get through one day without me entering his mind ? He still owes me money. I am sure his wife brings me up to hurt him everyday. Do you think he has just forgotten about me ? I know I have pushed him into not calling because I carry on like a hurt puppy dog when he does. I think I have wrecked everything. I am a mess. Help ! What can I do to fix it?
Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 11:24am
i just wanted to offer you some support as you go through this. your situation is alot different then mine but i can still sympathize. My MM even though he has decided to stay has been through alot of ups and downs with his W. i don't know why they can't just listen when the H tries to tell them they are unhappy. It sure would help if they just did their magical changes then instead of when the guy is half out the door (or already out the door in your case). i think it's perfectly normal to feel some guilt.......even those of us who leave spouses without an A involved still feel guilty. It just means you are a human and you dno't like to hurt people you love or once loved. It's normal! The only other thought that came to mind when i was reading your post was maybe in your case the divorce is like a band-aid....it hurts more to just get it done, but looking back, you will see it's better then the slowly peel it off method. Also in your case, i think your W has some serious soul searching to do, and she won't until she "hits bottom" (emotionally) and she won't hit bottom until you are as far out of the picture as you plan on being. Hope that made sense.

i know it's hard, hugs,

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 11:27am


Rain,

(((HUGS)))

Okay, all of this is only my personal opinion. But I've read so many of your posts and this is what I see.

She's not trying to trick you. She's sincere, scared, confused, lonely and frustrated. She's hoping against hope. And if you go back, she'll be as good as gold until she regains a sense of security plus one day. :(

I know that you're trying to be nice and maybe even to retain your friendship, but you're actually promoting false hope in your W and unnecessary anxiety in OW, if you have no intention of going back. Although it seems cruel, I believe it would actually be kinder to just cut those ties now. She can't begin to heal until she accepts that it's over. Be courteous, be civil, but don't go out with her. Don't spend your spare time trying to soothe her. A divorce is like surgery. It's better to cut quickly, completely and once than to take a little bit more each day. All it does is gives her the feeling that if she just can "show" you enough change within herself, she can change your mind.

Can she?

(And if your posts make me ask that question, trust me, both women in your life are asking the same....)

As always, please feel free to take my advice and act on it or use it for comic relief. Either way, we care about you. Let us know what we can do and keep us posted.

Cazrida

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 11:32am
Rain,

As much as I like you otherwise I had to post this. Sorry for being blunt but my comments are in the light of the fact that your W doesn’t know about your affair or that you are currently with OW and if that is not correct, ignore my post.

I believe that you are really being DISRESPECTFUL to your W in the sense that you are have not told her that you are already with somebody else and had she known she wouldn't be making a fool out of herself making the sexual overtures towards you. Come on you are planning to divorce her…you are living with another woman …doesn’t she need to know now that you are with somebody else? How long do you plan to keep this info secret? Your W will have a much easier path to closure (and so would you) and maintaining her self-respect if you tell her all this. Don’t let her shred her dignity to pieces. I hope you are not secretly enjoying her neediness by letting her not know since that would be a very sick approach.

On another note, you said that your W makes 3x more than you. You also say that she is not good at making friends. Well some people are good at one thing and not at another (your W is good at carving out a good career and not having good friends along the way so who cares) and it doesn’t make anybody less than a human being.

The biggest favor that you can bestow on your wife at this stage is to be honest with her. It’s high time.

Again, if your W already knows about your affair and OW ignore the post and give me a virtual smack on the head.

PG


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 11:59am
Rain,

The best thing to do it not to take over her problems as yours, even if you initiated the separation. Once she sees that you are feeling guilty she might try every ruse in the book to win you back. I think you need to let her be - find her own answers, solutions and friends. She might grow wiser after a while.

Juliet

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 12:00pm
Rain

I need to agree with PG on this one. First of all why were you with her at a fair?? Does OW know you went? I would have been outraged and ready to kick you to the curb. You have to move quickly and decisivly and not pretend to be something you're not. You've made it this far so obviously you are sure of what you are doing ... right?? OW deserves your full attention now and W deserves a clean break. You keep throwing her little tidbits that make her think there is hope...where there is none. Do youreself and those you love a favor and stay the course and stop taking a step back into your marriage if that is what you want to leave

dd

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 12:12pm
I am finding it hard to understand your (& PG's) way of thinking? Why does Rain need to tell his wife if OW is not the main reason he is getting out of the marriage?? How is it relevant to the situation with his wife? Also, do you recomend this "telling wife the truth" even if he had not moved in with OW??? I am confused....lol


Edited 6/1/2004 12:17 pm ET ET by julietsfate
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 1:40pm
Well said Cazrida. I was just pondering this the other day. I have made it quite clear to my W that I am not coming back from day one. I sometimes feel bad about hurting her, but I think it is better to hurt her now and allow her to move on with her life than to string her along when I have no intention of being with her. It isn't easy for me to be so strong and having children makes it even more difficult. I'm never mean, but I am firm and clear. I think I owe her that.

So my advice to you Rain, is to stop idealizing a person who you already know isn't someone you want to spend your life with. You've taken so many steps already, but you need to make as clean of a break as you can. I know there is guilt and I know there is regret, but you need to be strong. You owe that to your W, yourself and your OW. You've made a decision, now move forward with it. I know it isn't easy, but it is what you must do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 1:44pm
Juliet,

I don't think he needs to tell his W, but he certainly does need to stop stringing her along. I know it seems he is being nice, but what he is really doing is stretching out the pain. At some point, one person has to stand up and just cut off all contact other than what needs to be done to work out the details of the divorce. Pity won't help his W begin to build her life again. Neither would knowledge of the A. The only thing that will do that is Rain forcing her to stand on her own two feet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 3:59pm
Well said Cazrida! I agree. Rain - I know you are trying hard not to hurt your W but if you really have no intention of being with her again then you need to let her go. Let her start the grieving process, the self analysis and the other steps she'll need to take to close this chapter in her life and open a new one.

Good luck to you!

Peace

GB2

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