Dealing with the self guilt.
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| Fri, 05-07-2004 - 3:08am |
Been a long while since I posted, but maybe some of you remember me. I try to get around occassionally, but not often enough! I see there are some new faces, and new CL (congrats nry!) and also that gurl 50 is gone, hope you had a party???
my LDEMR is going fine, going through a loop at the moment, and hard to believe that we are still here after the "honeymoon" period, two years now! I know that since the year I have found this board, certain subjects are discussed and rediscusssed, so here it goes again.
I, as well as MM, are having difficult problems, both of us, with the pain that our presence causes in the life of the other, directly meaning the spouses. As good as we both are about dedicating our energy to our marriages simutanely, there is always a glitch here and there.
How do you keep the guilt of harming the others life, under control? I feel so guilty, because until I walked in his marriage was full of sunshine and happiness. Do not ask me why I am still here if he was so happy before, because those are questions he can not answer for me. I feel such pain, when he is feeling pain, when things are not right now if his DW gets demanding.
We see each other sometimes, but mainly our relationship is "on-line" Thank God, because to be with in daily driving distance, it would be even harder sometimes.
What I am trying to say, is knowing that you are harming the MM by giving him more hassles in his personal reality, that if you were not there, he would not have, HOW do you deal with the guilt that you feel by hurting him, even if it is indirectly.
I know, makes no sense, but need to solve this, because it often hurts us as a couple.
Mitzy.

I do drop in often, but there is just never enough time for everything. I did take the time to read a few discussions and there was some good advice given by Red. What is wrong with us making each other's worlds just a little brighter?
MM and I decided long ago, with deep turmoil and almost hatred towards the decision, that our physical reality of daily life, would only happen if God wanted it. Neither of us are prepared to destroy the happy lives that we built, which are not as some think. The chances of this happening by the way, are almost zero, as time is against us in every way.
It is just difficult, because sometimes, his wife accuses him of not spending enough time with her, quality time that is. It hurts me, because I know that sometimes, once in a great while, he is chatting with me, when he could be at her side having great sex, or other quality time. And that he just has a hard time with it all... as I do too.
You are right, I learned long ago, that we have our time, our place, and the rest does not belong to me in any way (hard understanding this reality 1 and 2 as someone wrote). Yes, we think of each other during this away time, and find comfort knowing the other is thinking. I have passed the panic stage of no contact periods, after all, no contact is better than being dead.
I guess what my real question was/is, is how do you have this close connection, this relationship with another, in my case MM, and not feel guilt when he feels pain that he is non-intentionally causing to his spouse, knowing before you walked in the door, all was fine? When he hurts, I hurt, when he laughs, I laugh, and when he is happy, I am happy. It is a closeness, that I have rarely felt...
Anyways, nice to be back around... although never really gone, but it has been a spell, because lots of new faces, and old ones gone, or lurking as I often do.
Mitzy