deedee, re happy marriages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
deedee, re happy marriages
5
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 10:24am
Hi deedee:

read your post in response to the end-point question thread and at first your statement re: "there has to be something wrong with a marriage in which there is an affair" got my hackles up a tiny bit (I like to say I have a happy marriage, as does my OM). But then I thought about it carefully.....

I guess it's hard for a marriage to be perfect. No person can meet all the other person's needs. In my case I married a very good man (not a totally faithful man, but a good, loving husband) and we parent well together and treat each other respectfully and have an A-1 amazing sex life. But I guess what is missing is what you praise in your marriage, i.e., comfortableness.

I was 100% faithful to my H until last summer. For 15 years, I never laid eyes on another man. But he constantly redialed every unknown number, went through my computer, went through my garbage, and asked me constant questions about MY fidelity. I chalked it up to HIS history of infidelity. I tried to be understanding. But in the end it pissed me off. It added a ricidulous layer of suspicion to our marriage. I was really annoyed to never have his trust. It reduced and still reduces the fun we have together. I have no other friends besides him because he is so jealous. So, now I have an OM. I think it was almost inevitable. With the OM, I just have fun and feel relaxed and I enjoy his lack of jealousy and possessiveness. I don't have to edit everything I say.

So I guess my marriage has its problems too. Maybe I just don't like to look them in the eye. And in my MM's case, there must also be some level of marital dissatisfaction. He says his wife does not take the time to know him. That's hard fro me to understand, because my H reads my garbage...he takes TOO MUCH time to know me...

Anyway, dee, you made me think...:)

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 10:38am
,


Edited 6/24/2004 8:54 am ET ET by deedee5678
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 10:50am
I firmly believe there HAS to be a problem somewhere in the M if one partner is having an A. I know in mine what's wrong. And with MM, he always would say he had a nice family, wife etc. but she's just not interested in sex for quite a few years now. But that is a BIG problem I believe. I told him, even if the W is not that interested she could still accommodate him if she really wanted to, but she won't.

There is definitely something wrong there. I really believe that if you love the person you would try to make them happy, even if it meant having sex when you're not particularly in the mood (BTDT). With me and H, its a different story, I am not turned on by him when he's been drinking (which is everyday). If only he would stop, I think I would get the attraction back with him.

But I don't think I would ever have an A if I was in a "happy" marriage. Why would you, if the person with you loves you, pays attention to you and you are the light of their life?

Dusty
xxxx
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 11:12am
dusty

Seems we all have our problems. My husband does love me, pays attention to me, and I believe I am the light of his life. No matter how hard I try I have not been able to feel that same feeling back. Have I wasted 20years of BOTH of our lives? I dont' know. I know I would never have an affair if I did feel those feelings for him. Dont' get me wrong, he has behaved in such a way during our marriage that has made me lose respect for him. He hasn't ever cheated but he has been somewhat emotionally abusive and controlling. He has never been someone I could have a serious adult conversation with without him getting defensive. I have done everything in this marriage, from paying bills, doing the taxes, disciplining the kids, to buying (negotiating as well) and selling our homes. I have felt like a single parent for so many years so I guess I would find someone taking care of ME to be refreshing. He has even come to me twice and said he didn't think he wanted to be married. Now he has appoligized for the way he has treated me in the past, for reasons I won't devulge here he has not been able to really "Bond" with anyone. He doesn't even have any close friends he could just call up on the phone. So I haven't been crazy or anything, I have reaccted to my environment. I am not making excuses it's just that it takes many things to make someone like me go outstide my marriage. I just don't know if his turn around is just in time, or just too late.

deedee

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 11:15am
I totally agree with you, dustyrose. In my case, my DH isn't very affectionate anymore. He's more interested on the TV, his computer, video games, whatever, just not me. I sit next to him and caress him, kiss him, and he just doesn't respond. Our sex life isn't what it used to be, and I feel it's because I'm not really turned on by him anymore. He's still a very attractive man, but he doesn't care for himself the way he used to. He has let himself go a little. I don't love him any less just because he hasn't shaved or cut his hair, or because he's not wearing deodorant or cologne, or his clothes are older than our oldest kid, but it would be so nice if he cared for himself more, tried to look sexy for me, make me want him again. We're like the Odd Couple.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 11:22am
My H is also somewhat controlling, and definitely emotionally detached from me. He only gets all warm and fuzzy sometimes when he's been drinking, which makes me wonder if he feels like that all the time. This is my 2nd M. First time around, I would have never thought of cheating. But #1 H cheated on me. I was devastated at the time.

I don't want to hurt H #2, if only he would try with me to work on things. But he is not willing to see therapist or anything with me. I know seeing MM was only like a band-aid solution, but it was working for me at the time. And I miss him.

Dusty
xxxx