Depressed, what do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Depressed, what do I do?
12
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 10:30am
Well,

I post very little here but I do read all of your posts everyday and get very much out of them.

I'm so unhappy, I feel depressed and cry all the time. I think I'm in love with my OM. Here's my situation.

I've lived a hard life with H. Married at 16. I caught him in an A about 3 years ago with his x girlfriend before me. It was awful, I was in so much love with him. But then besides that he has abused me verbally and physically (don't know why I put up with it-and I do cruise the DV board as well). Well I met OM 5 years ago although I didn't know he was into me. Well our A started about 4 months ago and I feel like we have both fell in love. I feel like I would never have started an A, if H had treated me right.

Anyways, back in January I told my H that I wanted our M to be over because I was tired of his ways. He'd punched me about two weeks before and then through a rampage in the kitchen breaking things a few days after that wo that's what triggered me to tell him this.

I see that OM treats me like a queen and that feels so good. He's calm, courtious, loving, and so on ......

Well H says don't leave me, cries, the whole bit and what do I do? I stay but give him and ultimatum. If he lays one more hand on me or throws another fit, I leave. Well, we went out of town for Spring Break and he verbally abuses me and tells me if I act a certain way he's going to beat the sh@# out of me. Well, I'm still there. He just asked me to go lunch with him yesterday and gave me flowers. I don't get it. I know I should be posting this on the DV board as well but somehow you guys feel more familiar to me.

Well anyways, I'm in the middle. I scared to leave H although he's awful to me sometimes but great most of the time. Yet OM is always great to me. What do I do? I cry all the time and want to sleep, these are signs of depression. I'm not happy in my M at all but yet I feel sorry for this fool that hurts me. And there's someone out there (OM) waiting for me. Although, I'm not sure how far he wants to go either. Help, help, help! I need advise desperately.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 11:18am
hi confused -- honey GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE NOW!! sorry to be so blunt, but the next time you piss H off, he's liable to kill you, especially since he knows you want out. go to a shelter, a relative's house, a friend's place, a motel if you have the $$, but get out now. you are confused because your H is a maniac and OM is treating you nicely. what do you want? peace and quiet and a safe place to live should be your priorities right now. a R with OM will come in time, but right now, you must take care of yourself and get out of your M!! please, please, please think of this advice. if you can, act on it. get help from anyone you trust to get someplace safe, away from H and don't accept his pleas, excuses, flowers, promises. they will not last and he will really hurt or kill you. i know from experience.

pull yourself together and act now! good luck and god's speed confused.

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 11:36am
Wow, you put tears in my eyes. I really truly know that that's what I have to do but I'm so scared. What if he does change and I didn't give him the opportunity? I've read much on DV and studies show that less than 1% change and that's only with intense therapy.

What if I'm just overreacting? Then my mother's advise has me confused as well. She told me last night, he's a good guy. Then she said but if he hits you again, then you know what to do. Don't stay.

Well, why do I have to wait for him to hit me again in order to leave. How do I prepare myself to leave, mentally? And my children.

You say that you give me this advise from experience, tell me your story, maybe that will help me. Please, please, please.

Sometimes I just think I should get my kids and go without explaining anything to him. I know that will tear him apart though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 11:50am
hi confused -- my story involves not just my experience but my mother and other women friends i've counseled. abuse started during the early years of my marriage (a long time ago) and continued in times of stress. after the black eye, broken arm, concussion, i decided that's it, i'm outta here, took the kids and hid at a friend's house. i had to get a restraining order which of course he ignored and followed me all the time, tried to see me at work, in the parking lot, etc. finally i had my brothers confront him and threaten his life. drastic i know, but it worked. he left me alone and the divorce went through and i was free. lots and lots more to the story and xH promised all the same stuff - i'll change, i love you, you and i belong together, what about the kids, blah, blah, blah.... don't believe it. even that 1% who actually stop being abusers are alot of work. once you lose that lovin' feeling, especially with physical, emotional, sexually abuse occurring, it's almost impossible to get back to anything resembling love, or even like.

confused, cut your losses honey and get out and start a new life for you and the kids free of threats, insecurity, hurt and anger. it will be difficult, but it's doable. just do it!! now!!!

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 11:51am
GET THE H-LL OUT!

Physical abuse is the one thing that nobody, ever, has to tolerate or by involved in otherwise!

Think of your own safety. Go to a shelter, something!

GET OUT NOW!

If I was being abused, my decisions would be made - no question.

Did I say - GET OUT NOW!

Be safe, and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 12:01pm
These ladies are right. Regardless of what happens between you and OM, YOU MUST LEAVE. There's no way you should be putting up with abuse. And the apologizing and gift-giving are typical for the abuser.

Please leave asap and seek counselling. And no matter how hard H begs, cries or whatever, you must leave, this type of behavior will not end unless you insist that HE also seek counselling for his problem. And tell him, THEN and ONLY THEN, will you even consider trying to salvage your R with him.

Good luck to you honey, and be safe!!

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 12:29pm
I thank all of you for your great advise. Because the love and trust I once had for him is totally gone. I don't even want him to get near me. And down deep in my heart I know he'll physically abuse me again. He's already verbally abused me again after telling him that I didn't like that.

My next step is just to leave with my kids. But I'm so miserably comfortable that it's hard to leave. I pray everyday to give me the strength and courage to leave because although I want to believe that he'll change, I know he won't. His dad is abusive and so he learned this behaviour through him and now I see that kind of behaviour in my son.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers and thanks for being here. Your replies are wonderful!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 12:49pm
confused, being comfortable is the least of your worries here. yes it is nice to have all the bells and whistles (nice house, car, money, etc.) but what good is it, if you are a prisoner to it and risk physical pain and possibly worse!! once you leave and retain a divorce attorney, he/she will get all the comforts back for you. you are the abused victim with children, so you come out ahead in the separation/divorce. in fact, in most states, once it's proven that you are in physical danger, H will have to leave the home and you get residence and support and he gets to foot the bills for a period of time. in my state, it's 3 years! so a little discomfort now will keep you and the kids safe and ensure you are around in the future to enjoy a happy and healthy lifetime.

be get the courage you need to leave and be safe. let us know what you decide and how you're doing.

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 4:25pm
If you do not want to leave for you leave for your kids. You just mentioned a very critical thing your son is seeing that and he thinks it is OK. Make the example for your son that it is not OK.

Your kids should not see that, you should not have to deal with that. No man should ever hit a woman especially someone he cares about.

You really need to go. Please do it now before the beatings get worse. You never know just how far an abusive person can go.

PLEASE GO NOW, It's time. Mother does not know bst in this situation.

Please Go Now!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 4:56pm
I have little to add beyond one more voice to the chorus...

Go, and go as soon as possible. Base on what you've told us, you are absolutely right in this, and anyone who says different is either not your friend or afraid to examine their own choices. Either way, your safety and that of your children is number one.

I won't recommend playing hard ball with your H because I honestly think it creates still more problems and provokes the hornets' nest further. However, I think you should call a women's shelter TODAY and ask if they have a recommendation for or can assist with legal counsel. You have a tremendous number of legal rights as a battered spouse and protective parent, but you need to be careful and informed before you exercise them.

Good luck, and know that we're all praying for you and sending out warm energy in hopes that you'll find the strength to resolve your situation.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 10:48pm
Gather the courage to see above and beyond your situation. You will be MUCH better off. No woman should EVER have to put up with ANY physical violence. NEVER.

Never.

Never.

Never.

That is the one thing that you need firm in your life. Once it happens, there's NO negotiation.

Find a shelter, find SUPPORTIVE friends...there are people out there to HELP you, honey.

Take care of yourself and your kids.

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